Michael Louis Calvillo Must Be Destroyed

What’s up with the Illuminati? I don’t know much about it, but I’m a big fan of Conspiracy Theory - I think it’s fun, fun, coo-coo stuff. A few years ago a kid in one of my classes (name withheld to protect the innocent miscreant) asked me about it. The conversation went something like this…

Me
So, Odysseus can get away with all this cheating becaus-

Student
You heard of the Illuminati?

Me
Um… We’re talking about The Odyssey at the moment, (name withheld). Anyway, Odysseus-

Student
(with more feeling)
No, C. The Illumanati. It’s crazzzzzzy.

Me
Okay. I’ll bite. What you got?

Student
They’re scary.
(bugs his eyes)
Real scary. It’s like the devil and stuff.

Me
What is it? What do they do?

Student
No, it’s scary.
(bugs his eyes again)

Me
Yeah…
(looks over shoulder to be sure nothing there’s nothing bug-eyed worthy to worry about)
But what is it? I don’t even know what this thing is. I’ve heard of it.

Student
Yeah, Jay-Z’s in it. He does this…
(makes Illuminati symbol with hands – opposing fore-fingers and thumbs touch to form the outline of a diamond)

Me
I’ve seen that.
(makes the symbol back)

Student
(bugs out eyes and drops his hands)

Me
(bugs eyes out and reinforces the diamond symbol by pressing fingers together harder.)

And so it went. After about fifteen minutes of going in circles I come to understand that The Illuminati are bad, bad people. They are all famous or rich or both, and it is their goal to destroy this country, encamping a large majority of the population and then taking things over. They want to run a devil nation, a modern-day Sodom & Gomorrah. Hmmm. Interesting.

(Trippy…)

After class, I jumped on the Internet to straighten things out. I love me some Wikipedia. As my man Michael Scott said, “Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.”

  
(It is kind of scary.)

Wikipedia reallly isn’t so bad. I usually find stuff that at least sounds true. So then, the illusive Illuminati. Here is what Wikipedia reports about The Illuminati and their nefarious, modern-day intentions:

• The establishment of a One World Government with a unified church and monetary system.
• Further advancement of ideas through mind control.
• Encouragement of the use of drugs and pornography.
• Suppression of all scientific advancement unless they considered it acceptable to their aims.
• Causing the death of 3 billion people by 2050, through wars and starvation
• Creation of mass unemployment
• Fracturing of the nuclear family by encouraging teenagers to rebel
• Use and promotion of rock music to facilitate this rebellion which include rock gangsters such as the Rolling Stones.

(Illuminati, Wikipedia 2011)

That’s pretty insane. I don’t know if I believe that celebrities or rich folks are secretly trying to corrupt us from the inside out. I suppose it’s possible. I’m sure there are little fringe groups of gun-nuts here and there that ascribe to a few of those intentions. But the popular media? Big celebrities and even, maybe, baby ones? Maybe even, Small Press Horror Writers? (He presses his fingers together harder and makes bug eyes then he blogs about it to spread the word…). Hmmm? I wonder if the “That’s for babies” Cheerios kid (or now that I think about it, GM – they manufacture those golden Os) is one of their agents of evil.

Good night brothers and sisters of The Legion of Loyal Readership. We will reconvene tomorrow.

Wait! Before you go take the time to consider…

   
  
  
(Uh-Oh! I think we might be in trouble here…)

This entry was posted on August 30, 2011 at 7:45 pm and is filed under Books, General, News, Rants, Television . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.