Dark Paradise

I wasn’t going to post anything today despite the significant nature of April 30th. However, I have received so many nice messages from friends and family that I decided maybe I should… (I hope it’s not in bad taste posting here on Michael’s blog site.)

I wanted to treat today just like any other ordinary day. Well, like one of the “new” ordinary days. I wanted to say to myself that today is not any different than yesterday. Oh, but it is because yesterday was Deja’s 18th birthday and that was pretty darned special. I thought maybe today could be just like the day before Deja’s birthday and well that was Sunday and that day was somewhat eventful too. The day before that? Deja’s birthday dinner. I reviewed my days like a flipbook and I realized just how busy I have kept myself. Most importantly, I realized just how special and wonderful my life still is. I have the most amazing friends and family. I’ve made a lot of beautiful memories this year.

I’ve become stronger with each passing day and each new experience. There was a time I couldn’t tear myself out of bed. I wanted to sleep all the time. Dream of the life I loved so much. Sleep until I woke up next to my love once again.

This is what dreams are made of

This is what dreams are made of

Some of you know that I broke my first bone this year. My wrist. My right wrist. Uh, I’m right handed. If I were to break a bone why a bone I relied on so much? I felt so incapacitated. Seriously, I can’t believe how much I took having my dominant hand for granted. Aside from that, it was so painful too! But, what was frustrating to me was the constriction and unsanitary nature of the ugly cast they put me in! I hated it! In fact, I pulled my hand out of the cast prematurely. I just couldn’t handle it. I understood how dogs must feel in those stupid “cones of shame!” Well, it turned out that my wrist healed anyways. My doctor took the final xray , lightly scolded me, and sent me on my merry way never to meet again (hopefully). After I removed my cast, everyone warned me that broken bones never really heal completely. It’ll always feel a little different. That is so true. I tried moving something just the other day and was quickly reminded of that break. Just trying to do a hurried mundane daily routine and there I was slapped with pain all over again. Life makes some interesting physical analogies for those of us who are too thickheaded to get her more subtle parallels.

6:00 a.m., April 30th, 2013, I looked at Michael’s picture next to my bed and decided “Time for work.” Last week, I toyed with the idea of staying home today. I even debated last night whether or not I could really get through the day at work. But then, I realized we scheduled a “Lancers for Life” meeting and there was no way I would cancel on these kids who have dedicated themselves in the service of others. I am so thankful for the meaningful distractions in my life.

There are tons of pictures in our home of Michael. We even have a digital rotating frame. Michael and me. Michael and Deja. Michael and friends. Michael and family. Michael and our pets. Michael, Deja and me. I see them every day and you would think that it would be hard. It’s really not. I sit and stare at that frame daily. This morning I walked into a building that Michael and I used to walk into together every day. That’s okay too. I’ve been in that building a ton of times this year. But something about putting the key in the door this morning and twisting it in whatever weird way shook a heartache in me that stabbed for a quick terrible second. My heart doesn’t feel like the gushy matter it’s supposed to be, I sometimes suspect it’s more of a fractured skeletal material.

My days and nights won’t be the same without the love of my life. I don’t pretend that it ever can be close. I guess I’m coming to terms that it’s just “different” now. And, even in its “different” state, it’s still pretty good. There’s still so much to be thankful for. Thank you to my dear friends and family who have been there for us this past year.

In closing, if you ever want to know what a heartbroken widow feels like, listen to this song… It’s been playing in my head all year.

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2 Responses to “Dark Paradise”

  1. The key here is that you filed the entry under “Love” despite the pain. *hugs*

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