It’s Getting Hot In Here

Living in Southern California, about ninety minutes inland from the coast, things get hot. While those poor folks in the East are braving hurricane Irene’s wrath, we are melting here in good, old Lake Elsinore. Luckily, I work in an air-conditioned classroom and I only feel the heat on my way home from work (school lets out at 2:30 – the walk to the car is almost unbearable), but, my oh my, the little I have to tolerate is still too much.

(I feel ya, my man.)

The heat is so bad, school activites like PE and sports have been cancelled. Last night we were hit with a rolling blackout and lost power for about twenty minutes. Fall cannot get here soon enough!

Look at us, Loyal Reader! Talking about the weather like old people with nothing left to talk about.

Hmmm… This blogging everyday certainly is a challenge… Alas, I aim to please! Did you know that in addition to husbanding, fathering, teaching, writing, gaming, guitaring, and, well, blogging, I also rap?

I do it for my students to crack them up, but, not to inflate my already over-inflated ego, I’m damn good. Years and years of listening to the masters (Snoop, Eminem, Lil Wayne, etc…) has paid off. After a nice, rousing rhyme, my students cheer wildly and my head fills to bursting.

Wanna read one?

Bear in mind I have to keep it clean (I’m writing these things for the kiddies). Get me on a mic at a house party (with my adult friends) and things are bound to get profane. Another time, another place.

Anyway, reading these rhymes are not nearly as fun as watching a sweaty, wheezing, 37 year old, bearded man try to affect hipness. The beats I flow over help tremendously (a few of which I actully put together myself in ACID and FRUITY LOOPS – the rest are stolen from the army of free rap beat sites proliferating the web). Here’s the one I did today.

Check the beat I use right here.

Here’s that silly rhyme (with some outdated references). It’s called…



MC can’t wrap like an elf with no hands
MC can’t rap but he thinks he can
MC can’t wrap like a film over budget
MC can’t rap but he loves it, he does it

I roll fly words off my tongue / out my lungs / my brain puffs up / bee stung / number one / trying to convict but the juries always hung / some think I lose / but I reach the highest rung.

MC can’t wrap like an elf with no hands
MC can’t rap but he thinks he can
MC can’t wrap like a film over budget
MC can’t rap but he loves it, he does it

Like Weezy / I cheezy / rhymes like dynamite blow up the hizzy / is MC the bomb? / for sheeezy / look all you want / you’ll never see me / I’m a lover not a fighter / a lion not a tiger / okay maybe a tiger as drawn by H.R. Giger / thoughts erupting like a volcanic geyser / I’m rich / a miser / keep my bank all the wiser / I’m the worst white rapper / hairy not dapper / an Italian-Mexican disaster / on the grind to get it faster / hard like plaster / unhappily ever after.

MC can’t wrap like an elf with no hands
MC can’t rap but he thinks he can
MC can’t wrap like a film over budget
MC can’t rap but he loves it, he does it

MC can’t wrap like a beast with all thumbs
MC can’t rap but he’s number one
MC can’t wrap he lacks precision
MC can’t rap, his rhymes crash like collisions

MC can’t wrap his beats are wack
MC can’t rap but his metaphors slack
MC can’t wrap he don’t know how
MC can’t rap but watch me now…

Like Wayne you’ll need a ladder that goes on forever / plus an air hose and some rope and a super long tether / you’ll need a spaceship and a time rip and some really nice weather / to get to me if you can get it together / I’m a blowtorch, burning out the ozone / oh no / unknown / I’m flyer than a no fly zone / got more stupid lines / more stupid rhymes / not enough time / smashing up your funny bone / in pieces on the floor / begging me for more / name’s MC the rap super store / off to war / call of duty 4 / this gaming is a chore / when I’m kicking down doors / but I got no friends / the fun it must end / my mind it must bend / no skills to defend / I wish I had four arms so I could co-op it myself / wish I had twenty fingers and infinte health / the rap beast creep like an infinite dream / an ocean of visions / MC the king / MC the tyrant / MC the specter / MC blow the lid off your rap detector!

Well? Whadda you think?

Obviously I have way too much time on my hands (not really – it takes me about an hour to knock one of these things out). I currently have fifty-six complete rhymes. I perform one each Friday during the last five minutes of class. Each year I add a few new ones to my ever-growing arsenal. As long as my students dig it, I’ll keep at it. I let them film me with their camera phones so I wouldn’t be surprised if I pop up on YouTube as Rapping Teacher or something (there are lots of them, but I am definitely the best – holla!).


(My idols.)

Fun, fun, fun.

Ever since I was a wee lad, I’ve been into the idea of performance. It’s kind of cool having a captive audience of goofy teens. I can act a fool and get my groove on whenever the mood strikes.

Stay cool, Loyal Reader. This heat can’t last forever…



Speaking of performance…Here I am reading my story LIGHTNING APEMAN OF THE NEW HOLLYWOOD at WHC in Brighton, England. Yes, I’m hyper and fast and trying to squeeze 6000 words into 20 minutes of reading time. FYI, the video is in several parts.


2 Responses to “It’s Getting Hot In Here”

  1. Jonathan Sanchez Says:

    Haha, I seen that rap on friday >:D

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