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Claws Out

Posted in News, Rants, Raves on August 6, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Saw the Katt man last night…

Whoa! I’m not sure what the hell was going on.

The Man came out dressed in rodeo-militant-raver wear complete with spike studded captain’s hat and green lights attached to the front bill. A bull’s head skeleton, those old western kind, adorned his mic stand. And when he spoke, it was as if his spirit had been through the meat-grinder. He was beat down, Loyal Reader.

There were funny bits, sure, there were smart-psycho genius funny jokes, but his morose cadence and Presence with a capital ‘P’ were lethargic at best. The otherwise hyper, motormouth was pausing between bits while the crowd fell into awkward silences. One Chicano man freaked out after about an hour of the odd, scatological weirdness. He was so irritated he threw up his arms and screamed, “THIS SHOW SUCKS!” on his way out the door.

Williams instantly came to life, cussing out the heckler, baiting him, threatening to drop kick him right there on the stage. The place felt alive for a few electric minutes, but then Katt went into more of that slow drawl, drawing out stranger and stranger bits. Punch lines came at odd intervals. More people got up and left (this happened at a clip of about one or two couples every fifteen to twenty minutes).

(A picture is worth a thousand words.)

My party was getting antsy (and we’re generally a pretty patient bunch). But the vibe in the room never improved. It soured and that was that. We ended up leaving after about two hours, frustrated that we didn’t get what we thought we were going to. There were some brilliant bits sprinkled throughout the set. Katt Williams, as nutso as he seems, is still an endearing figure. Throughout the set he kept referencing his wealth and then bringing up crap like how Dave Chappelle walked away from 50 million because the Devil Media Outlet he worked for was only giving him 10% of five hundred million dollars. Because he walked away, the Media Outlet made it look like he was smoking crack. They asked the public, how can you walk away from 50 million dollars! They insinuated that you’d have to be on crack to pass on 50 million bucks!

Nobody really understood the financial chaos going on. Nobody listened to the details, they just figured Dave went crazy. The Media Outlet was screwing him over. All of this paired with the onset of mega-fame? Fuggedaboutit. The poor dude just needed to get away. This is all fine and good and interesting even, I’m glad Katt cleared it up, but the material wasn’t necessarily funny. It made me feel like Katt was the one in need of a relaxing getaway.

(Avoid the sanitarium at all costs! Stay sane!)

The comic delivered his material with such a quiet scorn that everything felt sharp and kind of uneasy. He kept putting himself down, shaking his head and letting us know how unfunny he was. He reasoned that if Dave Chappelle was Number One, and Dave Chappelle doesn’t even work, then why should Katt? If the funniest guy in the world wasn’t functioning, why should Katt? I understand what he was trying to say, but it still seems kind of illogical. You’re you, not Chappelle! You don’t have to share his pain. Besides who cares how much you empathize with Chappelle (who I love just as much)? I want some fun jokes, dammit!

(Uncomfortable comedy)

The jokes came, but they came implanted deep inside confessional grenades that kept exploding in routines about his “over-structured” childhood as a Jehovah’s Witness or Conspiracy Theorist paranoia about Muslims, and celebrity assassinations, and Bible stories. The man even attacked evolution, claiming it didn’t exist because the dinosaurs never adapted. Hmmm. Can anyone say cataclysm? There are some things you just can’t adapt to.

The off night resulted in some interesting moments. I still think Katt is an incredible comedian, deserving of all the money, and awards, and honors, he has earned (and can’t seem to stop talking about), but he seems to be going through some burnt out phase where touring is wearing him down. Maybe he was just tired. I think it goes deeper. I think Celebrity is making him sick. Money is losing its luster. His life is probably ready to evolve into a new phase (believe that).

I have faith Katt will get his mind right. He’s super smart. Set pieces on The Rodeo and Muddin’ and White People and Prison and Life in General, were as deep and inspired as they were funny. His rant on cancer was killer (I suppose I’m a little biased here). He’s definitely one of the special ones, I just think he ‘s in dire need of a rest. As rich as he boasts to be he can afford it. So please, Mr. Katt Williams, fly away. Lounge on a tropical beach. Love your blessed life. Speed talk your way back into our good graces!

A path to glory…

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The Last Hurrah…

Posted in General, Rants, Raves on August 5, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

So it begins. Tonight kicks off the last weekend before school starts and I go back to working the day job. Ordinarily, it wouldn’t be much of a big deal. It happens every year. Teaching has its perks – we help kids, enjoy nice holiday breaks, get off work early (2:30pm, oh yeah!), and then, of course, the Big Kahuna, we get two looong months of summer vacation. Except this year I’ve been off work since last December.

That’s right, I haven’t earned an honest day’s pay (other than from my writing) for almost nine months.

I don’t like to get into it on my blog (or much anywhere else for that matter), but I’ve had some health problems (it’s cancer – if you absolutely need to know the details you can message me personally and I’ll bore you to death with grim crap) and my doctor wouldn’t let me get back in the classroom.

(Staying home is no party.)

Fortunately (after a bit of begging and pleading), I’ve been given the green light. But now, the closer I get, the more I doubt and love my decision to return to work. Staying home is no picnic. It wears on you faster than you might imagine. Sleeping in every single day may sound like a beautiful dream, but when the world continues on without you, you start to miss the little things. Getting up and being somewhere because you have to be, because your livelihood, and the livelihood of your family is dependent upon it, is a powerful, gratifying thing. It kicks sloth’s lazy ass up and down the street.

I’ve been feeling pretty damned useless sleeping in till noon, then surfing the web, then playing video games, while my family gets up, and gets ready, and gets out there, to do what’s required of them. It’s nice to be required.

Still, as excited as I am to become a requirement again, I’m not looking forward to the return of alarm clocks. Though necessary, especially when I need to be up and ready by six in the morning, I loathe their insidious beeping, annoying squawking, soul destroying buzz. I’m definitely gonna miss waking naturally. I’m gonna miss falling back to sleep for as long as I want.

(Die! Die! Die!)

But alas, time marches on, diseases let up (thank the heavens), kids grow into high schoolers, teachers get back at it, and the world goes round and round.

Well then, I’m ready to enjoy the weekend. My wife and I (plus good friends) are off to see Katt Williams (My Favorite Little Pimp) and eek every drop of fun out of our last few days that we can. I hope you do the same. ’till tomorrow, Loyal Reader.

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The Real Reason The Internet Was Invented

Posted in Raves on August 4, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Forget fruitful Wikipedia searches and trading sensitive emails. Here’s one of the real reasons the Internet was invented…

So tell me?

Am I wrong?

Of course not. Okay then, be sure to visit those freaky, freakazoid perverts over at rathergood.com for more cheeky awesomeness (check out my fave, Gay Bar).

Good night for now, Loyal Reader. It’s late and I’m ready to power down. System shut down commencing in 3, 2, 1.

(Weirdness abounds...)

Watching Sunday’s BIG BROTHER On Tuesday!

Posted in Rants, Raves, Television on August 2, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

The damn DVR is nearing capacity! It’s not happy at 83 percent and neither am I. But then I’m tired and would rather get to bed early with a book to ease me off to dreamland (the wife agrees).

But, if we don’t watch Sunday’s BIG BROTHER (that definitive BB post is coming soon…) by tonight, we won’t be ready for tomorrow’s (or Thursday’s) telecast. We will never get back on track!

(And I’m watching BIG BROTHER!)

This is surely the stupidest problem in the world. Right?

Except you gotta believe me when I exclaim, “I love me some BIG BROTHER!!!”

It reminds me of Shakespeare’s corpse strewn RICHARD III with all of its Machiavellian motives and backstabbing drama. Okay, okay, as promised, more on the great BB later…

For now, I gotta play catch-up (HELL’S KITCHEN, MASTERCHEF, and even an episode of the usual, immediate watch, CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM, are impatiently waiting their turn in the digital queue).

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…But The Keys Were Already In The Ignition?!!!

Posted in Rants, Raves, Television on August 1, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

OMG!

Look at that – this wacky, sad show actually has me screaming like a school girl. But trust me, Loyal Reader, it really is that good. Well…for now. I’m sure it’ll lose its luster faster than a thug trying to ditch the cops down a dark alleyway, but at the moment it’s my new passion.

(Oh yeah, it’s real. Why aren’t you watching?)

A student of mine (much like the perps in the show) told me about it last year. For some reason, the concept refused to stick. Bait Car. I mean, I got it, I get it. Bait Car. Simple. But all of the parameters didn’t line up. It didn’t make much sense. Leave a car in an economically stressed neighborhood and wait for someone to steal it. Once they do the devious deed, the cops swoop in and justice is served. But why would a thief choose this particular car to steal? Isn’t this some form of entrapment?

I asked my student a few questions, but, like all teenagers he babbled round and round and the only clarification I got on how the show actually worked was…well…that self explanatory title.

“It’s Bait Car, Mr. Calvillo.”

“Yeah, but why do they steal the car? How do they set it up?”

“They just steal it. It’s Bait Car.”

I promptly forgot about it and went on with life. Fast forward to a couple of days ago. I was surfing through a batch of severely neglected channels (cable is completely ridiculous, Loyal Reader – we get like thousands of channels – thousands!) and stumbled upon TRU TV and their original program, BAIT CAR.

(I have yet to see a warning sign on the show.)

OMG! (again). BAIT CAR is just what it sounds like. The cops leave a car in a bad neighborhood and thugs do indeed steal it. The details I was looking for are unimportant – it’s all about the moment of truth when the perp is busted and hauled away – but here’s how things work anyway.

The police rig a plain Jane car with hidden cameras, microphones, and some sort of On-Star / Lo-Jack type tracking device that allows the law to disable the car and lock its doors at will.

Undercover officers then leave the car alongside a curb and even stage a mock domestic dispute before departing in another vehicle should any would be thieves be around to witness their impromptu bit of street theater. Here’s where my brain kept hiccuping on concept. I mean, why steal this particular car? All my student had to say was, “Oh, they leave the driver’s side window half down and the keys dangling in the ignition.” Duh.

Now here is where I start to feel all kinds of bad. These ghetto neighborhoods are filled with bored, aimless, young men who have nothing better to do than hang out on the streets and get into trouble. It’s a HUGE societal problem, one that raises question about race, and equality, and social class, and even makes me believe conspiracy theorists when they accuse the CIA of introducing crack-cocaine into non-white, minority (at the time) neighborhoods. Alas, this is an argument for another post. Same with that pesky issue of entrapment. It doesn’t seem entirely fair. Still, stealing is stealing and…

Anyway, back to the joys of the show…

Ignoring those pangs of Big Picture morality, Bait Car becomes crazy entertaining. In some episodes, the car is literally overrun with packs of young thugs. They crowd round the car and holler for the lucky fool in the front seat to, “Pop the trunk!” Meanwhile, an Undercover hides within covert view of the car and gets it all on videotape.

We see one, then two, then three, interested parties pace around the bait car, then all of sudden ten strong rush in and try to steal what they can. “Yo, pop the trunk, yo!”

The trunk never pops. In time, one brave soul ignores the red flags, starts the car up, and attempts to hide it in an alley (“Park it in the alley!” is the second most used request after, “Pop the trunk!”). Once in motion, the police monitor the car’s movements until they feel it’s the right time to move in.

And this is where the sick magic happens. The hapless criminal and his equally hapless accomplices are stuck in an inoperable car with doors that refuse to open. Score one for technology. Johnny Law has his day. Finito.

But you’ve already seen plenty of episodes of COPS and this sounds just like COPS, so why bother watching?

I’m not exactly sure what makes BAIT CAR any better, but I’ve been learning that petty criminals and / or the type of thug that actually moves into steal bait cars (plenty of seasoned criminals walk on by, warning their friends, simply muttering, “Bait car, yo.”) are of the Three Stooges, Jack-Ass, Mr. Bean variety. They’re pratfall stupid, brazen, and goofily earnest in their bumbling naivety. They’re lovable thieves (if there is such a thing) who stutter and stammer that they are only moving the car for a friend or are doing some sort of civil duty by driving the car somewhere safe. They fast talk. They plead innocence. They cry. Lots of them are baby-faced kids between the ages of thirteen and twenty-three. Some of them probably don’t even belong in jail (yet they probably do).

(Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’.)

Oh Bait Car, I don’t know how you manage to make car thieves seem so sad and sympathetic, but I like that you do. COPS is way too ugly for my tastes. Entrapping desperate, hopeless criminals makes them seem a whole lot less dangerous. Looks like I prefer my True Crime Reality Television with a splash of humility.

There are a bunch of videos on Bait Cars (Tru TV’s – which I can’t get to work on wordpress – and other tidbits / news items from millions of sources). Search ’em out if you demand some instant gratification…

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In The Mood For Cheese

Posted in General, Movies, Rants, Raves on August 1, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

CRAZY STUPID LOVE is just that. It’s Crazy because it features unbelievable characters doing unbelievable things. It’s Stupid because coincidence, chance, and an extreme suspension of disbelief are required to follow many of the major plot points. Yet, it’s worth watching thanks to good, old Love.

A romantic comedy such as this really only needs to do two things to succeed. It needs to make us laugh (hence the comedy part of the equation) and it needs to raise a few flutters of aw-shucksy warmth. As crazy, stupid, earnest, as the film may be, it still does exactly what it sets out to do.

(This man will save your otherwise ridiculous film)

Mood probably has something to do with it. Sitting there with my bestest girl, holding hands, happy to be out of the house for an airy bit of fluff made things all the more pleasant. I”m forgiving a whole lot here, Loyal Reader.

Well hey, Steve Carell and his toothy charisma help. His dead-on timing makes the whole production go down a lot easier than had he not been the lead. There’s lots of screwy, situational comedy – unfortunately the twists and turns are as pedestrian and ho-hum as your typical television sitcom – but then, there are sweet moments, and genuinely funny bits, and I found myself smiling more than not.

Sometimes cheese satisfies in a way substance can’t.

I Want My Art TV

Posted in General, Raves, Television on July 30, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Thirty years ago when I was a culturally sophisticated six year old, MTV was born. My little, peanut of a brain was already forming criticisms and running an internal ticker that beeped along kind of like my own pre-version of THE SOUP long before the idea of TALK SOUP actually became THE SOUP. I’d watch sharply cut video after sharply cut video (they used to show lots and lots of music videos back in the day) and form long-lasting opinions about artists based upon looks and mannerisms alone. Suddenly, Image and Vision became an extremely important part of the package.

(I’m soooo sophisticated!)

Those poor, hairy, ugly bands that scored huge hits in the seventies were instantly irrelevant. Though murderous for the unwashed masses with stars in their eyes, this shift in popular media was / is a good thing and a bad thing. Ugly artists have to work all that much harder (which makes sense – they probably should work harder to make up for their lack of sex appeal). Pretty, but talentless confections keep registering as embarassing blips on our cultural barometer (making excellent fodder for MTV / VH1’s I LOVE THE 70s, or 80s, or – insert decade here – trash talking shows). No worries, though. Some of the pretty ones may not deserve the success, but the lasting stuff will stick whether you look like Lyle Lovett (what was Julia thinking?) or Will Smith (who is so likeable he can mug his way through any video and make it worth watching). So then, our musical landscape may have shifted, except what we have lost in primal, raw, unshaved talent, we’ve gained in the advancement of the visual arts.

(One of thousands of MTV logo art installations used over the years)

MTV, God love ’em, has been pushing visual artistry since day one. I love their promo packages, odd commercials, and mini bits of the avant garde. Everybody gives them credit (and then derides them) for bringing technique like fast-cutting to films and television (which again is a good thing and a bad thing), but they’ve given us much, much more than hyper-kinetic camera work. The wide berth of interesting projects from cutting edge animation, to sketch comedy, to reality TV, all intercut with clever, sometimes alienating (depending on age and taste I suppose), but always eye-catching pop art, has shaped the way we look at our world and live our lives. We have become MTV and in return MTV has become us.

Tuning into today’s MTV as opposed to say…1986’s MTV is quite a bit different. You more likely to catch an episode of SIXTEEN & PREGNANT than see the latest video hits, but that dedication to art remains. The title credits tilt askew, or the underground, lo-fi, ultra-hip garage artist laying down the pulsing soundtrack behind the dust-ups and love-ins on their reality productions, hum along to to the beat of their own, futuro-art drummer. The between-show-stuff that seems head scratchingly weird or too strange will probably continue to feel odd in the distant future, but the unnerving abnormality doesn’t date itself. It’s too kooky to age. That’s art, Loyal Reader, take it or leave it.

(Changing the world. Heck, Beavis taught me how to dance!)

VH1Classic (best channel ever) is running thirty years worth of MTV nostalgia all weekend long and I can’t pull myself away (and I suggest you tune in). They’re running extended clips and full shows from REMOTE CONTROL (an episode featuring a younger, punkier RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS as contestants no less) to the ever unimpressed DARIA, to memorable performances from the network’s annual Music Awards. I watched an old segment of THE MAXX, some of George Plympton’s trippy facial animations, FASHIONABLY LOUD with Kid Rock and runway models doing their thing during spring break, Jimmy Fallon opening an MTV Music Awards with a medley of spot on musical impressions, and Chris Rock telling another MTV Music Award’s audience to “Get to church!” after watching Marilyn Manson perform The Beautiful People (in a thong – which is sooo not pretty).

See for yourself…

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My Favorite Little Pimp

Posted in Books, Movies, Raves, Television on July 29, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Katt Williams first surfaced upon my radar in the Ice Cube penned FRIDAY AFTER NEXT (2002). I had zero expectations for the film. The first movie is an urban classic, the second falls closer to the exact opposite of a classic (and we’ll leave it at that), the third installment steps it up considerablely, destroying round two’s inept brand of so-dumb-it’s-still-dumb-comedy and even nearing the original’s crass sublimity.

(An almost classic)

FRIDAY AFTER NEXT, takes place during the Christmas holiday, features a crack head Santa (who breaks in and takes presents from homes), and excels thanks to a trio of supporting performances that elevate the source material into something pretty Great. It gives the Great Mike Epps room to shine as Day-Day (his earnest dedication to his position as a “Top Flight” strip mall security guard is side splittingly funny), gives the equally Great Terry Crews some scene-stealing prison bitch moments, and gives Katt Williams a Great role as a pint-size clothing store owner who acts like a pimp (John Witherspoon is Great as well, but…well, I could go on and on…).

(The man in action)

Williams’ character, Money Mike, thinks he owns the world and isn’t afraid to talk trash while every one around him dismisses his put upon menace due to his stature. Many jokes are made at the expense of his height. But like our friend The Honey Badger – he don’t give a crap. He struts around like a man twice his size and talks in a rapid fire, nasally, southern drawl that gets me laughing before he puts out a complete sentence. The film character is served his (unfair, I say) comeuppance (off screen) courtesy of the muscle bound Crews (SEMI-SPOILER: who Money Mike ends up leading around with a pair of vice grips firmly fastened to bigger man’s junk). No matter, whereas FRIDAY AFTER NEXT’s Money Mike is a cagey little motormouth, Katt Williams the comic rips it up. Mostly.

I’ve watched a number of his stand-up specials, AMERICAN HUSTLE: THE MOVIE (2007), IT’S PIMPIN’ PIMPIN’ (2009), and they’re entertaining, but the stand out of his prolific output is definitely THE PIMP CHRONICLES Pt.1 (2006). From bling (a piece on a Chrysler 300 vs. a Phantom is awesome), to haters, to Michael Jackson (pre-death), Williams is on fire. Lucky me, my wife learned that Williams is playing at a nearby improve, so I’ll get to catch his show live in a few weeks. Here’s to hoping he outdoes himself.

Here’s the first fifteen minutes of THE PIMP CHRONICLES. Get through the Snoop intro and the stand up comedy kicks in…

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Booyakasha!

Posted in Raves, Television on July 28, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Respek, Loyal Reader. Not much time for a propa blog, I be dip snapping with me main man, ALI G.

(Da man’ll wetcha if you don’t watch ya mouf! Respek!)

If you have no idea what I’m blabbering about (a dip snap is when you shake your hand and snap your fingers as they fly downward), Ali G is the alter ego of BORAT himself, Sacha Baron Cohen. Cohen started acting a fool with his hip-hop, air head back in 1998. He conquered English television, had a hit run on HBO, and then hit big with BORAT (and the equally funny, envelope pushing BRUNO).

I love all three characters and think Cohen’s portrayal of singing Italian (actually, English) con-man, Pirelli, in Tim Burton’s version of SWEENEY TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET, is pretty damn impressive. So far, the man can do no wrong – but, in my opinion nothing compares with da top dog, Ali G. He’s not as provocative as Borat or Bruno, but his naive earnestness and crude gutter-slang sensibility get great (truthful) reactions from his unaware subjects (victims).

I read somewhere that Cohen is going to play Freddie Mercury in an upcoming biopic on the singer. Sounds good to me. Still, I could go for another season of DA ALI G SHOW.

Big up Yaself and peep this…

5 Comments »

Why TOSH.0 Deserves Your Undivided Attention…

Posted in Raves, Television on July 27, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll hurl…

Welcome to bone crushing, side splitting, head spinning reality TV.

TOSH.O has quickly become one of my favorite programs. During last night’s episode, my wife and I were literally doubled over, tears of laughter pouring down our cheeks. Now, I appreciate a good television comedy – THE OFFICE, THE KING OF QUEENS, ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT – when those TV quality jokes land just right I laugh a little, but man, oh man, the Internet is one messed up place. You want laughs? Viral videos slay anything even the smartest of TV shows (30 ROCK and its, speedy, absurdist wit included) has to offer.

Daniel Tosh and his intrepid team of diggers mine the web for the funniest, strangest, vilest clips known to man. A lot of it is worth a snicker. You throw enough crap against a wall and some of it is bound to stick. It’s the AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS school of comedy. And just like AFV, when Tosh and company hit paydirt, the laughs come on so strong, they hurt. The comedy becomes something sublime.

(One sick monkey)