Welcome To The Screwed Up World Of Michael Louis Calvillo Must Be Destroyed! (Round 2…)

Posted in Books, News on September 8, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

The sophomore slump ain’t got nothing on me. My second book, AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT, was a critical and commercial success. It won three Black Quill Awards, a very cool Darkscribe hosted best-of the year prize. I took home Best Small Press Chill (Reader’s Choice) – Woot! Woot! – and two more for Best Cover and Best Layout.

It’s a beautiful book all round, from Peter Mihaichuk’s eerie, striking, apple-in-the-mouth cover, to Cesar Puch’s slick layout and design work with those carving knife and fork icons between section breaks.

 Bad Moon Books did an incredible job on the edit too. There are few to no typos. As writers and editors, typos are impossible. You bash on fifty, five more pop up in their place. It’s like mental whack-a-mole. It makes you kind of delirious hunting them down.

Three, maybe four, sets of eyes usually does the job. With FATE, I gave it probably ten passes in four or five months of rewrites. Then Super Liz, Bad Moon’s beating heart, did her thing, and then Cesar joined in, and then super-cool reader-collector-friend, Jamie La Chance gave it a pass, and then head honcho, Roy, took a discerning look. By the time the book went to press it was well-tuned and ready to rumble.

 


(This might be my favorite cover of all, but it’s a tough call – some of my other covers are just as killer...)

When I wrote I WILL RISE (read all about it in Round 1), I was big into Chuck Palahnuik, Amy Hempel, and Raymond Carver. Chuck P is big time with movie options and best-selling mass market success (but you all know this). Hempel is a literary darling (if you don’t know, now you know). Carver wrote heart-breaking stuff that found its way into prestigious publications like The New Yorker (bow to the king) and widely read literary anthologies. I wanted to take these literary leanings and throw them into a badass book about one man’s journey to literally destroy the world. I cranked up the juice and wrote in a fever-dream-beat vernacular. I wanted to write pulp lit. But with my next book I didn’t want to do the same thing, I wasn’t trying to establish a stylistic voice so I could keep doing it over and over again (how boring), I wanted to do something completely different.

So I did.

 


(You’ve READ this right? Not seen, but read. Right?)

Though I WILL RISE was written in a searing, self-exploratory, first-person, its narrator is a foolish, foolish liar. The fiction was pure fiction-fiction-fiction. FATE, while narrated by an omniscient, objective overseer, is much more personal. There are painful bits of truth behind the characters actions and words. Where I WILL RISE is an anarchistic comic book (hail, hail), AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT is a think-piece on death, dying, and co-dependence.

Important people went and died on me in sudden, tragic ways. I was also interested in opiates – not drugs specifically, but all sorts of things in our lives that hop us up in the same possessive sense. Food. TV. Buying stuff. Love. ENTER YOUR NEUROSIS HERE.

Crap!

Hold up!

Here we are,  four hundred+ words into a post about a book about cannibalism and I have yet to mention the “C” word.

Yes, the hook here, Loyal Reader, is that our hero, a serial murderer, is also a gourmet chef who uses his artistry in the kitchen to prepare exquisite meat dishes. He’s also a very nice, very screwed up, very guilty guy. I wrote him as endearing, clumsy, lovelorn, and always fretting over those he’s killed and obsessing over the rippling loss his actions have upon his victim’s families. It worked perfectly. Readers seemed to really like my man, Montgomery, the reluctant cannibal. A particularly astute critic said she enjoyed the book so much, that she wanted to grab folks on the street and make them read it (thanks a bunch CW ;-)).

 

(Read like you eat. Words are sumptuous)

I also like the book’s other protagonist, the twenty-two year old junkie, Ashley. She’s colder and almost as screwed up Montgomery, but she isn’t murderous or anything. She’s pretty down to earth. She’s just lost and frustrated with life. Just like me when I was a twenty-two year old burnout.

Her boyfriend Henry is the story’s every-man. He lives like most of us do – equal parts awed and dismayed and delighted by life’s hectic twists and turns. He trucks along and does the best he can. In the end, he gets a bit of a raw deal (NO SPOILERS – I promise), but…

Aw, damn! You gotta read the book for more details on all that…

Then there’s the death. Death, death, death, and more death. It drips from every page. Some note the book is darkly humorous. And I agree, but… The dreary death stuff suffocates the mirth. You half-smile at this turn of phrase or that, or maybe a character’s life philosophy gets you thinking, but there’s always that growing death spiral to spin out of control and suck you down.

Coffins, and trunks, and bathtubs, and operating theaters, and freezers, and refrigerators, and forty-gallon barrels of sulfuric acid populate the back (and for) ground. The book is filled to bursting with claustrophobic little pockets of dread. Pictures of dead folks in picture frames, and cardboard presentation boards with deceased love ones taped up in a morbid display of arts and crafts, creep me out. I get the chills just thinking about all of it. I smell funeral homes. I feel freshly dug soil beneath my feet. Ewww.

 


(Loss hurts. Badly. Art helps.)

 

It’s not all death and doom (only about ninety-three percent). Love finds its way in (as always). At the heart of the story my leading foursome love their significant others with every fiber of their beings, and their significant others love them back even harder. Love is a dominating beast. It also presents the only shot anybody has at passing life’s tragic tests. It represents hope (however bleak).

Which brings us to the end of the line. I can’t tell you what happens because I don’t want to spoil anything if you haven’t given the book a shot. My analysis has been carefully written to exclude anything of importance to the enjoyment of the story. But the end? The end is a bit of a hot button. While FATE received nothing but positive reviews (a few of which even sparkle), I read a few, uncertain remarks in regards to the finale. Let me just say I went for something unconventional and uncomfortable. It reminds me of (or rather, I was highly influenced by) Neil LaBute’s 1998 film, YOUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS. I believe FATE achieves a similar tone.

So read it, okay?

Loyal Reader, you have to promise me you will eventually (be it today or ten years from now) snag a digital copy and READ IT (hard copies are out there, but they’re expensive – the digital book? It’s only $3.99 over at Crossroads Press. A paperback will see the life of day somewhere down the line)! If you even kind of, sort of, like my blog, I think you will love the book.

 


(In the flesh! The hardcover edition of FATE!) 

Full disclosure here. One of my favorite authors of all-time told me he couldn’t get into it. He had a hang up about some slow-moving action sequences and my story building technique. That’s cool (BTW – I still really, really dig this author – personally and professionally), to each his own. But then, AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT is not an action-piece! It’s not a standard thriller! There are zero car chases (though there is a car-tailing scene), zero drinking detectives, zero fist fights and zero gun fights. It’s about death (and love, and the carnal joys of a nice, tender cut of delicious yumminess).

At the time of this writing I have five books on the market. I am super-proud of all of them for a myriad of different reasons. With AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT, I went for uncomfortable and as it’s author, its dark theme still raises a dread-sick-lump in the back of my throat. Mission accomplished.

If you try it, be sure to hit me up and let me know what you’re thinking (good or bad – I prefer adulation, but can take the abuse).

 

Stay tuned for Round 3 – a break down of BLOOD & GRISTLE coming soon!


(Dani Serra’s Illio for the story, Forever & A Day, from BLOOD & GRISTLE. An explanation of it and the 20 other interiors soon…)

A Little Night Music

Posted in Books, General, Music, Raves on September 7, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Coolio! I finished a short today and sent it off to an editor for consideration. This was an invite gig, so long as my story works for this particular anthology, I’m golden. The trifle (about 4000 words) is entitled, The Sad, Not-So-Sad, Ballad of Goat-Head Jean, Ambivalent, Devil Queen. I know, I know, it’s looong. Maybe to a fault? I think it’s interesting. We’ll see.

Short stories are so HARD (check a recent rant on them here). I sit there and churn the little suckers out, moving things, trying to find away to give these wild stories some levity to counter the pitch-black horror and violence. As of late, I have been having fun playing The Narrator. I get to interject and intrude here and there. I like the style. I like how I can frame absurdist bits with a bit of knowing humor. Then I like to drench the whole thing with buckets of vile blood. Fun!

I have to begin editing another short for another anthology. This one isn’t an invite, so I have to submit to the slush pile and hope I make the cut. This story is particularly good (if I don’t say so myself ;-). I wrote it for an invite antho that caved (I was really looking forward to it too – the editor and publisher are top shelf). I gotta give it  a coat of paint and send it off by the end of this week.

Unfortunately, this project only accepts snail mail submissions!

I actually have to print the manuscript out and send it via the US Post!

Why am I yelling?

Calm down, okay? Okay. Anyway, I am so used to doing the e-mail thing. We usually don’t print anything on paper until the ARCs, and then the final book comes out. Oh well. I dig the old school approach and I really, really like this publisher. It would be an honor. Why so cryptic, using terms like publisher and editor rather than name drop? I don’t want to jinx things here. I’ll spill when the time is right – upon acceptance or denial – and don’t worry, I’ll name names so you know what’s what and who’s who.

In any case, my cool sister was nice enough to give me a Rolling Stone’s book (a special edition of the magazine) about the Beatles and the production of all of their albums. It’s an awesome read. I love learning about the technical secrets behind the creation of each track. The maga-book (?) also has some nice stills, sidebar pieces by popular musicians about their feelings on this album or that, and a nice breakdown of each song and how it was recorded.


(Beatles, like cockaroaches, will never die. They will outlive us all and last forever and ever.)

I feel in love with the Beatles when I was about twenty. Some of you discovered them earlier, some of you might have yet to have a Beatles phase. But you will. Trust me. So long as you’re human and of this earth, if you don’t love the Beatles, you will. Just listen and learn, Loyal Reader. Bow to the master of rock, R&B, and pop.

The early albums are jangly, rocking gems. The later stuff got a bit deeper. Most of their lyrics are wonderful, introspective bits of pop perfection. Some of them are actually pretty dark. I even used the line – What do you see when you turn out the light / I can’t tell you but I know it’s mine – as the closing for one of my stories. It concludes the tale of a man who is forced to eat his way out of a pit of dead bodies (Consumed, from HORROR LIBRARY Vol.3 and my collection, BLOOD & GRISTLE). Cutting Block Press (the publishers behind the Horror Library series) couldn’t print it due to contractual reasons, but I think it remained intact in BLOOD & GRISTLE (hmmm, I’ll have to check that).


(Freaky cover, huh? I never showed this one to my mama. Too scary!!!)

Anyway, those Beatles were masters of melody, craft, the hook, and some damned ingenious major and minor chord shifts. They jam out on the greatest, blistering rockers, and haunt your mind with the greatest, melancholic slow burners. They mined that minor scale and tapped into pure emotion. Plenty have done it before (the Beatles had to learn from someone) and plenty more after (all trained by the Beatles), but in my humble (esteemed, expert, conceited) opinion they stand at Number One.

Here is one of my favorite Beatles bits. This one is a Lennon original and its melody does something indescribably special to my brain.

If I fell in love with you / would you promise to be true / and help meeee / understand
’cause I’ve been in love before / and I found that love was more / than just holding hands

Well, Loyal Reader, that did it. Now, If I Fell is stuck on repeat in my head. Why not give it a listen and get stuck too…

Turns Out, Colds Are Good For Me?

Posted in General, Movies, News on September 6, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Maybe. Nothing is conclusive (is it ever?), but I was digging around on the world wide web and I came across a few interesting articles. My throat has been a little scratchy and I wanted to see if I have anything to worry about what with the cancer. I fully expected doom and gloom. Amazingly, the first few hits on Google deal with the cold virus as a potential cancer killer. It seems that the people who work on these things have been working on it for some time.

They postulate that the cold virus attacks cancer cells and replicates within them until all that remains are cold viruses. If this works, the cold virus could be altered to prevent side effects – science can even make the little bugger side effect free – and a simple inoculation could go to work on those pesky cancer cells. Killer. Sign me up.


(Ohhh pretty… Oh, wait… That’s cancer! Yuck!)

Unfortunately, Big Medicine is all about Big Money. So as long as there are $$$s to be made treating disease, that disease will thrive. Best believe.

Here’s the info summed up nicely in a 2004, Ladies Home Journal article.

Here it is a little more scientific-like from a newsreport that posted last year.

All of this stuff actually bores me to death, but since I got the illin’ illness I gotta pay attention here and there. Oh, and I’m definitely gonna check out the latest cancer-movie, 50/50 (written by an actual cancer survivor). Will it suck? Probably. Dramedy’s are tough to pull off. The balance is usually tipped one way or the other and things just feel wrong. Still, I’ll go.

I’m definitely going to watch BUCKY LARSON first. Those commercial’s with Adam Sandler’s buddies are awesome. Nick Swardson is pretty great too.

Play around with the BUCKY LARSON YouTube channel and watch a few clips.

Hey look! Here’s one now…

Wheels Within Wheels

Posted in General, Music, Raves, Television on September 5, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

WHEEL OF FORTUNE has always been one of the dumbest game shows out there. You spin a giant, colorful wheel for a dollar amount and then guess, guess, guess, until the word-puzzle before you comes clear. That’s it. Just by being alive, just be being sentient and possessing the appropriate senses, we know the basics. It seems like something our cave-dwelling ancestors made up. I picture grunting cavemen chalking up rock walls, buying vowels.


(
Um…I can buy a vowel can’t I?)

I don’t know how, but over the many, many, many years (thirty-six and going strong) of its seemingly infinite run, it’s become a cultural touchstone. EVERYBODY knows what WHEEL OF FORTUNE is and EVERYBODY knows how it’s played.

Pat Sajack and Vanna White have the best jobs ever. And they’ve been doing them forever. And if they are as smart as I think they are (for sticking with it all of these years), they’ll ride the Wheel right into the grave. (Note: I must add that they are both extremely likable personalities. Whereas most talk show hosts are interchangeable – I actually think Pat and Vanna bring something to the show.)


(You know it’s rigged.)

Okay, okay, this post isn’t actually about Wheel. That’s how it begins, and that’s how it’ll continue for another paragraph or so, but don’t worry, Loyal Reader, we will move on to something worthwhile. The thing I wanted to extract from this Wheel discussion is big $$$. Out of all the game shows, I have the most respect for how Wheel handles paying their contestants. All three players, win or lose, get to take home the money they earned by shouting out random letters. If you earn a respectable 16,000 bucks, but the Autistic Savant to your left racks up 25,000 in cash and trips, you still get to keep your cash. Rainman moves on to the final round where he or she could take home more cash, or more trips, or a car, but you still get to keep your sixteen large. How cool is that?

I’ve seen complete losers – the wheel brutalizing them with the thorny LOSE A TURN, or the money-sucking beast, BANKRUPT – walk away with five grand! Five grand for guessing, poorly! Where do I sign up? It was way cool doing the BIG BROTHER live taping, but something tells me it’s much, much harder to become one of the three, daily, Wheel contestants. If you know somebody who knows somebody, hook a brother up! And don’t worry – I won’t be wasting anybody’s time buying any stupid vowels. There’s no way I’m wasting money and giving up precious bits of the puzzle to my fellow competitors. I’ll leave the vowel-buying to the cocksure idiots to my right or left. Recognize!

What a world, Loyal Reader!

Anyhow, this looong Labor day weekend has been really, really nice. I got to visit with family (my niece and twin nephews are too cute for words), hang with my wife (always nice), and do some serious sleeping in. Michelle and I even hit Target and grabbed some new music. Last haul’s discs have been wearing out our CD changer and we needed to change things up a bit.


(Oh my, what blingy teeth you have!)

MY MORNING JACKET (Circuital), ARCADE FIRE (Funeral), RADIOHEAD (The King of Limbs), and BAD MEETS EVIL (Hell: The Sequel) have made lasting impressions and will definitely be back. Each album has a number of songs that worked their way under my skin. Circuital’s The Day is Coming and Wonderful, Funeral’s Crown Of Love (which sounds exactly like a Bright Eyes song, The King of Limb’s entire second half, from track five’s Lotus Flower, to track eight’s Separator, and Hell: The Sequel’s Living Proof, keep wafting through my mind. Check this hook from Living Proof:
When them bottles stop poppin’ / and them dollars start stopping
Do what you did to get it and don’t stop
I made a promise to my momma / I’mma out live her
How can I be a quitter when haters don’t stop?
I’m living proof nigga / it’s pretty safe to say
God giveth and God taketh away
It’s the Worldwide American way / I’m living proof nigga

Awesome, huh? Sorry about the expletives (I  struck those suckers as not to offend). No harm meant. The flow is just sooo tight (you gotta hear it to appreciate it). I’ll try to tack a version of it at the end of this post.

The new stuff – Watch The ThroneKANYE WEST and JAY-Z‘s recent collaboration (Kanye is at the top of his game and Jay-Z rarely disappoints – I have high hopes for this one), Turtleneck & Chain by THE LONELY ISLAND (Andy Sandberg and co.), and Tha Carter IV by best rapper alive LIL’ WAYNE – promises more audio gold. I’ve only listened to a little of Tha Carter. So far, so good, but Wayne has a whole lot to live up to. Surpassing Tha Carter III is an impossible feat. That album was one of those rare birds. It’s a stunna from beginning to end. It reminds me of Dre’s The Chronic, Dogg’s Doggystyle, Biggie’s Life After Death, and Wyclef’s The Carnival – seminal albums that rock a house party from track one on.


(Bow Wow Wow Yippi Yo Yippy Yay, the sounds of tha Dogg bring you to another day…)

Still, it took me a number of listens to get the genius of Tha Carter III, so I’m not writing the new disc off just yet. These songs will surely infiltrate my psychosis. The question remains? Will every track work its way in? Here’s to hope, Loyal Reader.

I’ll keep you posted. If I hear greatness, you’ll definitely hear about it.

Well, there you go. A little Wheel, a little new music, Labor Day fun! Now, back to work! I’ve got minds to mold and stories to edit. It’s September, sir… and madams! Deadlines are approaching! Here’s to productivity!

Here it is! The most exciting, compelling song out there at the moment…

Welcome To The Screwed Up World Of Michael Louis Calvillo Must Be Destroyed! (Round 1…)

Posted in Books on September 4, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

I think I’ll use today’s post to begin highlighting some of my works while at the same time explaining myself. Let’s put the blog to work and see if I can’t get one of you to buy some books. I aim to entertain, Loyal Reader. But since I’m an author and not a musician, or a filmmaker, it takes a commitment on your part to get what I’m trying to say. You can’t quickly watch me, or bob your head to the beat (which feels as good as any of the small pleasures afforded us human beings). To truly appreciate what I have going on here, you have to…engage.


(This your brain. You only have one. Feed it well!)

Which sucks.

I know, I know. In this day and age – we are all SO BUSY!!! This reading thing takes time. As a writer, it’s even worse. When reading for enjoyment I keep thinking that I should be writing (as you non-writers keep thinking there are other things that need to be done). I feel far more productive with an 80,000 word manuscript in my lap than another author’s work playing out behind my eyes. But, as everybody on the face of the Earth surely knows – to write, and to write well, you have to read. You have to. There is no other choice. You have to study your own craft by studying someone else’s literary rhythms. Reading and writing – for us writers, they’re not mutually exclusive.

So then, without further fanfare, here is a little bit on one of my creations.

Read at your own risk!

Let the weirdness begin!


(Rock it, Calvillo!)
(Thanks, Kanye! I’ll do my very best!
)

Welcome to the screwed up world of Michael Louis Calvillo Must Be Destroyed! My mission statement goes something like this: MLC has been put on this Earth to accomplish a specific number of feats. The first of them – to love, to live, to self actualize – to continue to process wisdom – are running smoothly. So far, so good. I am currently on track with my spiritual and emotional ascension. The next feats – philosophy, entertainment, stimulation – are presently in progress and well-represented in my existing body of work. When I write I try to freak folks out, but, at the same time, I also want them to come away from my stuff with something to mull over. I’m not content with writing standard thrillers. Plot and forward momentum are as important as anything else, but then, so is a good, strong theme. Like anything else in life, it’s all about balance, baby.


(Oh how I love it when these suckers tip in my favor.)

What else? Hmmm. You’re not likely to find car chases or detective work in my stuff. I usually favor the bad guy. Things can get…ethereal. Writing fiction, I never forget that anything can happen and oftentimes, anything will.

Where to begin?

How about at the beginning?

I WILL RISE, my first published novel (my second written novel), nabbed itself a Bram Stoker Award nomination. I didn’t win one of those fabulous haunted houses, but the exposure really helped me to establish myself within the horror writing community. The book is currently out of print (I plan on selling it to a new publisher soon and creating a second, definitive edition). You can find it on Amazon for about forty-bucks (+) which is crazy because it’s only a trade paperback and the original price of $16.95 is printed right there on the back cover! I guess since there are a finite number of physical copies of this particular edition (first edition, first printing) they are worth a bit more. If I manage to build a bigger name for myself in the future, this batch of books will accrue an even greater value.


(My least favorite of all my covers. I can’t wait to see a new one as done by a professional…)

In any case, I love I WILL RISE. Pardon my conceit, but hot damn! I wrote the little sucker and I am extremely proud of how things turned out. It is by far my weirdest novel. It’s uncompromising. It’s polarizing (I can think of at least three authors who have told me that they didn’t like it!). It’s unique. If you can give yourself over to the funky, stylized ramblings, and get with the rhythmic flow of the punky prose, you’re bound to have a good time with anti-hero Charles Baxter and his devastating touch.

The book is about a thirty-three year old loser who hates the world and for the first forty pages that’s basically what he does. The novel has been attacked for taking too long to get moving, but if you pay the right amount of attention, you’ll see that every few pages, from #1 on, there are bits and pieces, an aside here, a dream there, that are super crucial to the overall end-game. The plot works on about five different levels (supporting characters have their own perspectives whether it’s spoon-fed to you or not) and the stuff I dole out as the voice of Charles Baxter isn’t always the stuff you should believe. I had a lot of fun writing as an unreliable narrator. It’s irksome that some folks seem to be too literal to vibe along with it.

     
(Early I WILL RISE promotional materials.)

In my humble opinion, I WILL RISE works so well because of the very things that certain reviewers slammed. You want a trippy adventure about an undead slacker who is tasked with destroying the world (yet another job he sucks at no matter how much he tries to convince you otherwise)? Then give I WILL RISE a shot. Psychic talk show hosts, and their dead wives, and five-year old telepathic geniuses, and the bitter blind, and lethal samurai swords, and wriggly worms, and undead Hollywood, all thank you for your time and effort.

Oh, and feel free to e-mail with your pressing questions. I’d be happy to clue you in on pieces of the puzzle that aren’t so easily apparent.

Okay, Loyal Reader, stay tuned. We will discuss more of my work in another post.

There’s Nothing To Be Afraid Of In DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK…

Posted in Movies, Rants on September 3, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

It’s only been a few weeks, but there’s already a legitimate contender to challenge CONAN for Worst Movie of the Year. I was actually looking forward to the Guillermo Del Toro produced, Troy Nixey directed DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK. The original version of the film (1973’s TV movie, DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK) was a few years before my time, but it seems to have struck a resonant chord amongst its many advocates. Going in pretty cold, my expectations for this new film were nil, but I am a huge fan of most of Del Toro’s output and am always impressed with his team of art directors, so I figured the movie would at least look good.

 


(There…I just saved you eleven bucks. The monster design is the only cool thing about the movie.)

Well, it’s not ugly… There are some cool tracking shots of the scary, old mansion at the center of the action, and the diminutive terrors living beneath the house – goblin-like little monstrosities with high-pitched growls and scratchy, whispery voices – are freaky enough – I wouldn’t want to run into a pack of the scrabbling beasts in the dark or light. Too bad the film over-exposes them and wastes their creepy potential. Something broken in the way the movie has been constructed sucks the scares right out of it. Suspense builds to nothing. Scenes meander (some exchanges between bad actresses, Katie Holmes, and the film’s lead, ten-year-old, Bailee Madison, are down-right painful). Interesting ideas are squandered.


(Not sure if it’s PC to point out how bad this child actor is – Still, I think she really sucks. Grow-up and learn how to emote, kid!)

 

The evil ghoulies have a neat mythology, but the script only touches on bits about their primeval origins. Further exploring their ties to the natural world, old gods, and the dark magic that used to exist before man went and got all civilized, giving us more fairy tale aspects and playing up the fantasy in dark fantasy, would have definitely strengthened the film. As it stands, we see way too much of the savage creatures and hear too little about their nefarious designs.

I’m not the type of reviewer to bore you with summary or ruin the movie dissecting spoilers. If you want either you’re only a few Google searches away. Let me just say, I recommend you save your money. The acting here is sub par at best. The narrative is way sloppy (and poorly realized). Worst of all, the movie commits the most serious of cinematic, cardinal sins – it’s boring!

 


(I’ll show you how to party down!)

If you want to watch a lyrical, creepy, dark fantasy, check out Del Toro’s masterpiece, PAN’S LABYRINTH. Or, if you want to be scared, and maybe even a little shocked (by a beautifully plotted, third-act twist), give the Del Toro produced, THE ORPHANAGE, a look. If you want crazy, goblin action and wild, monster mayhem, go for Joe Dante’s GREMLINS.

 


(Me too!)

As much as it pains me to say it, Loyal Reader, DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK is a real dud. It has some great, dark elements. That none of them manage to come together is a real shame.

Live Jive!

Posted in General, News, Raves, Television on September 2, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

I am turning into my father (aren’t we all). For my birthday (last month – August 9th), my sister hooked us up with some tickets to a live taping of BIG BROTHER. We watch the show religiously (three times a week!) and love every second. We’ve been watching since season 2. We might be fan enough to be called Superfans! How dorky is that?

Still, I’m growing more and more curmudgeonly in my old age. I don’t like being directed. I don’t enjoy watching TV with a large group of chattering cows. I’d rather be kicking it in my over-stuffed recliner, fast-forwarding through breaks, pausing for the restroom, as opposed to sitting straight-backed, waiting to cheer and clap like a good monkey as the show comes in and out of promo packages and Julie Chen teasers.

 


(I do what I want! Don’t make me use this thing!)

If you don’t watch BIG BROTHER, here’s how it works. A group of diverse strangers, psychologically screened and selected for maximum drama, enter a house rigged with tons of cameras and mics. They are cut off from the outside world – no TV, or books, or entertaining distractions to fight the boredom – and then pitted against one another in a battle of wills while the cameras roll and roll. Each week they compete in competitions for power (and prizes) and they strategize, voting each other out in an effort to be the last contestant standing. It’s great psycho-traumatic fun. The BB formula – guinea pigs in a fishbowl – is Reality TV at its very finest.

Watching from the studio audience was an interesting experience. I still prefer my couch and remote, but I’m glad I got to see how it all goes down. The show runs like a well-oiled machine. Production assistants run to and fro, positioning this, moving that, setting up shot after shot while the stage manager warms the audience and sets up applause cues.

 


(A little blurry, but there we are! I’m the guy in the center rocking the beard. My lovely wife, Michelle, is to my left, my awesome sister and her awesome husband are to my right.)

 

Julie Chen is lots of fun to watch. Like the finely tuned live broadcast whirring and whizzing around her, she is the consummate professional. It’s a trip following her as she hits her marks and reads from teleprompters like the expertly programmed Chen-Bot she is. Man, oh man, technology doesn’t get much better. Androids like Mrs. Chen represent the very finest in modern-day cybernetics. Her husband, Mr. CBS himself (Les Moonves), must have some deep connections in the replicant black market.

As the make-up lady prepped Julie between takes, brushing her nose here, powdering here cheeks there, Mrs. Chen moved her head and swung her hair just like a real woman! I might have even believed she was of the flesh, but I caught the steady glow of a tell-tale Neural Pulse Inhibitor at the base of her hairline.

 


(More human than human?)

 

The live show ingeniously jumps from Julie doing her thing, to pre-recorded packages, to live banter with the house guests via a video feed. It’s impressive how many cameras and mics are going on at once, flip-flopping, hitting their marks, building a cohesive show through an intricate series of synchronized attacks. I can’t imagine how nerve-racking it must have been during the show’s infancy. Already in its 13th season, every little thing runs smooth, smooth, smooth.

Okay, now that most of the technical details are out of the way, we can talk about the stuff we really want to talk about – screen time!

You know that’s the only thing that really matters here. Sitting there in the studio audience, we’re constantly aware of the swooping, swinging cameras, and the Chen Bot 3000’s placement within each scene. There were several times where she was actually standing directly in front of me (we had front row seats, yep!) and I purposefully leaned to my left to get my mug in the shot. If you watch it back, half of my face, sometimes my entire face,  gets lots of screen time during Julie’s interview with evicted houseguest, Shelley (suck it, Shelley! Good riddance, you back-stabbing traitor!). Most of the time I am trying not to laugh while trying not to look too ridiculously obvious.

 

(Please stop lip-reading from the prompter. You have thirty seconds to comply.)

It’s funny because in the beginning of the shoot, the stage manager, instructs the audience in the ways of studio etiquette. The best one is when he tells us not to read the words on the teleprompter along with Julie. The anarchist in me wanted to lip read sooo bad! How cool would it be to make The Soup as the whacked out studio audience member who sits there and dumbly lips along? A Joel McHale quip / barb in your honor? Priceless.

Michelle and I dared each other to behave badly and make some sort of spectacle of ourselves, but we both chickened out. What can I say? We’re too damn respectful for our own good. Growing up sucks.

All-in-all, I ‘d recommend the experience. If you get a chance to watch one of your favorite shows in a live, studio audience type situation, clear your calendar and go for it. You won’t be able to enjoy your program in the same way you do at home – no bathroom breaks or rolling back the DVR to catch something you missed – but your eyes will be able to take in the whole picture warts and all.

 

Watching Thursday’s Big Brother On Thursday In…The…Studio…Audience!

Posted in General, News, Television on September 1, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Yay! Just got back from watching a live taping of CBS’ Machiavellian, drama-fest, BIG BROTHER. We live about an hour a way from CBS Studios and we had a nice Italian dinner afterward, so, needless to say, I’m pooped. It’s been a long, exciting day. Can’t blog for long. But, then, I can’t not blog. I am a tenacious, little sucker. A promise is a promise.

Must… Stick… To… My… Decree… 365 blogs in 365 days… Will… Not… Fail…


(No, BIG BROTHER isn’t really draconian. Still, this image is mighty striking don’t you think?)

So then, you’ll get my full report tomorrow, Loyal Reader. I’m gonna go ahead and cut out early so I can spend some time with my lovely family (my mom, and grandma, and my sister, and my brother-in-law, and my too-cute niece, and my equally cute nephews, are all over for a visit) before crashing out. I promise you a heady, substantial blog worth your while on the morrow, so please, please, please come back and read, read, read.

In the meantime, how about I share some killer British rap?

What, what, what?

I know, I know, this is totally random, but I gotta give you something for stopping by. I think you might like this. It’s a few years old, but it still rocks.

Small (Press) Giants

Posted in Books on August 31, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

So, you wanna be an author? More specifically, a horror author? Cool. I can relate. I can dish. There is wisdom to be imparted here. Hopefully the next 1264 words help…

In any case, let’s start this sucker off properly – with the tipping of my hat, and a knowing nod of my head, I wish you good luck. The road ahead is rocky, and dark, and populated with its fair share of frustrating frustration. It ain’t easy, Loyal Reader, but if you know how to put a sentence together and have a head full of gruesome stories, small press glory awaits!

  
(These novels by Jeff Strand are some of the best horror has to offer!)

When I decided I wanted to be an author I had some serious delusions of grandeur. I had no idea how anything worked. I figured once I got a novel written, and edited, I was all set. All I had to do was print it out, and send it off to one of the major, New York publishers, and the money would start rolling in. This was way back in 2000, 2001, and e-mail submissions (a saving grace for anxious folks like myself) weren’t an option. If you wanted to take a crack at it, you had to write that ever-daunting cover letter and then print either your entire manuscript, or the first three chapters (the general standard), and then send them all off via the US Post.

And then you’d wait…

And wait…

And…

Wait.

Hold on a sec.

Let me back up a bit.

I’m hammering this out as I go and my brain likes to get ahead of itself. While we are waiting for that response from big New York (anywhere from three to twenty-four months) let’s talk logistics.

First, you gotta write the book. I’m at the point where that really has become the easy part. As a career novelist, I’m happy to report that after I wrote my first two novels, the process just got easier and easier. I enjoy the whole ordeal from the first word to the last. Let me stress that this is Super Important. If you’ve written that first novel and every second of it was like pulling teeth, and then you went on to work on a second, and maybe even a third, and things have yet to ease up…

This novelist thing probably isn’t for you. The pay (we’ll get to that) doesn’t justify the headache. If you want to do this, you have to enjoy it. You have to have a bit of that inner nerd rumbling around your heart and the four-eyed geek has to get excited about all of this dry stuff. There has to be an intrinsic need to do it.

Things like moving commas, and finding rhythm, and reading and rewriting the same passage hundreds upon hundreds of times, has to hold appeal. I teach high school English by day and though I am dealing with mallable kids who are still growing into adults, I see the frustration writing instills in some. The majority of these kids, I love ’em to death, but they will never ever, ever be authors. When they hear I’m an author, a few of them always come to me and say they want to write too. They share their stuff with me. They are not great. Then, there are others, who, at sixteen, seventeen, are as good as the pros. There has to be a bit of natural talent to succeed.


(Bram Stoker Award winner, Benjamin Kane Ethridge’s wild dark fantasy demonstrates some of the best writing out there!)

It boggles my mind, that some adults, some sane, seemingly together adults, want to be authors but can’t write a lick. I’ve met them through the small press horror boards, or Facebook, or at conventions, and I’ve agreed to read their stuff, and…well…it just blows me away. It’s kind of embarrassing. And this isn’t a personal opinion thing. This is a broken fundamentals thing. This is true delusion pure and simple.

Do your author friends a favor. If they suck, not story-wise or character development-wise, that stuff is all subjective, but on a fundamental grammatic level? Tell them so. I know it’s horrible to be mean and crush dreams, but it has to be done (not that I’ve ever been able to do it).

Anyways, if you love writing, and you knock out that first novel, and you look back at all the blood, sweat, and tears, and you still can’t wait to get going again, no hesitation, no fear…then you’re in! You pass! Okay, let’s go!

 
(Following JOHNNY GRUESOME, Gregory Lamberson has two, pulpy, fun series going at once! This author is working it!)

Sending out that first manuscript is rough. Expect rejections. Lots of them. And lots more. But don’t give up. This part of the process happens to almost every author (there are exceptions). When you finally get a bite and the publisher actually follows through and brings your work to print – pat yourself on the back, you are officially a published author. Awesome. Except… Well… Step back and take a look at the details of your publishing contract and the quality of the end product. Are you one of those that got so excited that a publisher, any publisher, wanted to buy your book, so you jumped head first before evaluating the validity of said publisher’s standards? It happens all too often (especially in the small press horror community).

I know what I am talking about because that is exactly how I got my start. No offense to Lachesis Publishing (the nice folks who took on my debut, I WILL RISE), but their micro-business tactics and ugly as sin art direction are not the way to go. I didn’t know any of this. I figured a publisher is a publisher and I was all set. Lachesis did as promised, but the end product was near embarrassing. I stand by the book (it’ll get another printing with a bigger publisher soon enough), but the POD quality, the layout, and my own cover art (and I am NO artist – they just figured they didn’t have to pay extra if they asked me to provide the art and I was eager enough to help out) reeked of the small press.

Don’t get me wrong. Small Press can be a beautiful thing, but the army of micro-publishers out there are uglying up the literary landscape by releasing sub-standard work that brings everyone else down. In my book there are maybe…I don’t know…five…six…maybe seven, excellent small press publishers that do incredible, professional work.

It’s my ultimate goal to work with major publishing houses and to get my work featured on prominent endcaps in bookstores (however long they may last). Once I’ve secured a review in Entertainment Weekly, I’ll be a happy camper, until then I’ll keep publishing with small press giants and demand that my work is well represented via top notch production values.

And so should you. If this horror writing thing is your thing and the major houses aren’t ready to take a chance on your work (this horror stuff tends to be edgy and dangerous, presenting a monetary risk), don’t settle. Please. I made that mistake early on, but have since figured out how things go down. I’m still not earning the professional rates (I believe my art deserves), but the dedication, and the willingness to spring for striking cover art, and the craftsmanship put into each of my recent hard cover limited releases, makes it all worthwhile. My readers can expect nothing less than the highest of quality and my books on my bookshelf (I know, I know, conceited) look damn sexy.


(John Little does some emotionally affecting magic and his writing is crystal sharp.)

In summary. Write. Enjoy writing. Be unique. Be strong. Be discerning. Don’t settle. Accept rejection gracefully and remember, so long as your stuff is well-written, and well thought out, somebody is bound to “Get it” and give you a shot.

Somehow none of this feels like enough. I can remember the frustration I felt in trying to get that first break. I wish I could do more to help other than offer up rambling, disjointed blog posts. Then again, you are my competition and if you succeed I will automatically loathe you.

Kidding, kidding. Once you’re in – you’ll see – we are all one, big, happy, disgruntled family of starving artists. Which reminds me… Here’s one more super valuable piece of advice. Be sure to attend horror conventions and mingle (same goes for mystery, thriller, romance and literary writers – find an appropriate convention and GO!). Published or not, don’t be shy about discussing your ambitions. You run into someone like me and I’m likely to introduce you to one of my benevolent publishers. Sometimes that’s just how things work.

See you tomorrow, Loyal Reader. Until then, write on!

Devil Inside

Posted in Books, General, News, Rants, Television on August 30, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

What’s up with the Illuminati? I don’t know much about it, but I’m a big fan of Conspiracy Theory – I think it’s fun, fun, coo-coo stuff. A few years ago a kid in one of my classes (name withheld to protect the innocent miscreant) asked me about it. The conversation went something like this…

Me
So, Odysseus can get away with all this cheating becaus-

Student
You heard of the Illuminati?

Me
Um… We’re talking about The Odyssey at the moment, (name withheld). Anyway, Odysseus-

Student
(with more feeling)
No, C. The Illumanati. It’s crazzzzzzy.

Me
Okay. I’ll bite. What you got?

Student
They’re scary.
(bugs his eyes)
Real scary. It’s like the devil and stuff.

Me
What is it? What do they do?

Student
No, it’s scary.
(bugs his eyes again)

Me
Yeah…
(looks over shoulder to be sure nothing there’s nothing bug-eyed worthy to worry about)
But what is it? I don’t even know what this thing is. I’ve heard of it.

Student
Yeah, Jay-Z’s in it. He does this…
(makes Illuminati symbol with hands – opposing fore-fingers and thumbs touch to form the outline of a diamond)

Me
I’ve seen that.
(makes the symbol back)

Student
(bugs out eyes and drops his hands)

Me
(bugs eyes out and reinforces the diamond symbol by pressing fingers together harder.)

And so it went. After about fifteen minutes of going in circles I come to understand that The Illuminati are bad, bad people. They are all famous or rich or both, and it is their goal to destroy this country, encamping a large majority of the population and then taking things over. They want to run a devil nation, a modern-day Sodom & Gomorrah. Hmmm. Interesting.


(Trippy…)

After class, I jumped on the Internet to straighten things out. I love me some Wikipedia. As my man Michael Scott said, “Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.”

  
(It is kind of scary.)

Wikipedia reallly isn’t so bad. I usually find stuff that at least sounds true. So then, the illusive Illuminati. Here is what Wikipedia reports about The Illuminati and their nefarious, modern-day intentions:

  • The establishment of a One World Government with a unified church and monetary system.
  • Further advancement of ideas through mind control.
  • Encouragement of the use of drugs and pornography.
  • Suppression of all scientific advancement unless they considered it acceptable to their aims.
  • Causing the death of 3 billion people by 2050, through wars and starvation
  • Creation of mass unemployment
  • Fracturing of the nuclear family by encouraging teenagers to rebel
  • Use and promotion of rock music to facilitate this rebellion which include rock gangsters such as the Rolling Stones.

(Illuminati, Wikipedia 2011)

That’s pretty insane. I don’t know if I believe that celebrities or rich folks are secretly trying to corrupt us from the inside out. I suppose it’s possible. I’m sure there are little fringe groups of gun-nuts here and there that ascribe to a few of those intentions. But the popular media? Big celebrities and even, maybe, baby ones? Maybe even, Small Press Horror Writers? (He presses his fingers together harder and makes bug eyes then he blogs about it to spread the word…). Hmmm? I wonder if the “That’s for babies” Cheerios kid (or now that I think about it, GM – they manufacture those golden Os) is one of their agents of evil.

Good night brothers and sisters of The Legion of Loyal Readership. We will reconvene tomorrow.

Wait! Before you go take the time to consider…

   
  
  
(Uh-Oh! I think we might be in trouble here…)