August | 2011 | Michael Louis Calvillo Must Be Destroyed

Archive for August, 2011

Short Stories Suck (The Life Right Out Of Me)

Posted in Books on August 11, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

I’m all about writing novels. Short stories are wonderful when they work – nothing has more power than a concise, well-paced, powerful short. Take someone like Amy Hempel or John Updike or Raymond Carver. They write short fiction that makes me whimper. I marvel at technique and word choice. Theme resonates like a sharply, plucked guitar string. I feel almost more human when one of these stories gets things just right. Emotions rage. Literature can be affecting, even life changing. Yeah, short stories can be that powerful. As a reader I am intoxicated, but as a writer? Forget it. I feel about two inches tall.

(Jedi Masters)

Still, I try.

I’m currently struggling through four of the unruly beasts. Then I have to write two more and clean up another two that I have waiting for a final coat of paint. It’s definitely a love-hate thing. Sometimes I’m satisfied with what I come up with. I surprise myself with what comes out. On occassion. a line will really speak to me and I’ll think, damn, I wrote that? But then other times I’m just staring at a blank screen trying to come up with a story worthy enough to be written.

Writing, Loyal Reader, is a lot like painting. You get your initial sketch out and then you layer plot and theme and shadow and then you move this comma or that, you nitpick, you can’t let it go, you keep shifting and manipulating and bending things until they’re are just right.

(I want to write just like this)

Lately I’ve being dealing with a rampaging apeman, Satanic boyfriends sacrificing their girls to the beast, a shapeshifter trying to find love in a hotel for freaks, and Hispanic death matches for cash and prizes. These of course come from the aformentioned stories I’m slaving away on. Hopefully they will all find their shape and hit the highs and lows that I envision for them (and you). Then I can get back to novel writing until another project comes down the turnpike and runs me over.

I complain, but I love it.

My brain hurts, yet in the end I’ve managed to sculpt myself a nice piece of art. Chances are it’ll sell, and then everybody gets to read it, and the world turns a little faster, and then POOF! I am legion. Hail, hail, Loyal Reader. See you tomorrow.

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Dream School

Posted in Raves on August 10, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

I envision no attitude. Can you even imagine it? Oh, Loyal Reader, especially those old enough to understand, can you possibly fathom a world where teenagers are polite, respectful, and eager for wisdom. They need some of that wonder drug from the ape movie. Although, now that I think about it, a burst in intelligence wouldn’t necessarily set them straight. There are tons of intelligent idiots walking the earth. Just because you’re smart doesn’t mean you’re humble, so no gas, no magic serum. It might help, but then it might not, it might even make things worse. It’s not worth the risk. If only a giant hand would drop down from the heavens and smack one of them every time they were rude. Ah, to dream…

(Perchance to dream…)

Okay, okay, today wasn’t so bad. The kids were actually pretty good. My job is super weird (unless you teach, then it’s completely normal). I stand in front of thirty-six adolescent aliens and try to direct our energies so that the class moves along smoothly and nobody has a freak out. I hang with kids all day long. They’re mostly unstable. It’s draining and I am dead tired, my dogs are barking, I plan on falling asleep around 10:30PM (which is horrible – I am a Night Person – I like to stay up late – I hate to get up early) and then waking up at 5:45AM. Then doing it all over again tomorrow.

As rough as talking all day long is on the human psyche and physical body (cancer gets me down a bit), I love every second. As rude as teens can be, they can be equally sweet. They’re charming, little, almost-adults trying to find their way and grow into personalities that are still way too big for their spongy brains. Throughout the year I get to know about 150 fourteen year olds. They are all so different. Some kids are dynamic as all get out. Others are shy. Some are cocky, some are strong, a few are sullen. Some of them blow me away with the stuff they say. Getting to know them is a blast.

(I like the whole teacher / apple thing. Apples are delicious.)

Good night, Loyal Reader. Here’s to tomorrow, wherein Mr. Calvillo will begin intense instruction and get back to work capturing imaginations (and get extra tired in doing so).

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Apes Of Wrath

Posted in Books, General, Movies, News, Raves on August 9, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

First off, RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES rocks! It’s dumb as a box of rocks, but it moves swift, has heart, and the CGI looks wonderful. Not much else to say here. If you’ve seen the previews you’ve pretty much seen the movie. Also, the title kind of says it all.

Regardless, the film is fun and definitely worth a look (those sharply animated apes are awesome to behold – same for the carnage in their last act rampage).

(Revolution is no barrel of monkeys!)

What else?

Well, Loyal Reader, it just happens to be my name day! Yep! I’m thirty-seven years young (though I don’t feel a day over twenty-two). My lovely family spoiled me with new books (Jay-Z’s DECODED and Chuck Klosterman’s THE VISIBLE MAN), and ice cream cake, and dinner (PF Chang’s) and that ape movie. Awesome.

Talk about feeling special. Not only did my wife and daughter spoil me rotten, my Facebook friends came out in droves with birthday wishes. Pretty cool, huh? Life is good.

I really, really want to comment on each post, but I’ve gotten over two hundred sentiments and after personally thanking half of them, well, unless I want to spend ALL NIGHT responding, I had no choice but to let it go. I’ll definitely be sending out a mass thank you message (which I intend to do as soon as I’m finished here). Thank you, thank you, thank you Facebookers! I appreciate you taking the time to stop by my wall.

(Yikes! How cool is that?)

Well, tomorrow is officially the first day of school. The kids will be out en mass. I’m excited, and a little nervous, and even though it’s my birthday, I need to blow out these candles and turn in early so I’m well rested for the big day. This party animal is getting too old. But that’s A-okay. Being thirty-something rules!

Nighty-night!

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School Daze

Posted in General, News, Raves on August 8, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Back to the grind, Loyal Reader. Except, lucky, lucky, lucky Me, my job is anything but a grind. Teaching high school English is way too much fun. True, it can be frustrating. Kids – my primary clients – are often times certifiable. They can really work you over. Working with a pack of crazies (who like to gang up on you in their illogical arguments) can be dangerous. You have stay one step ahead. Jedi skills help. Mind tricks, reverse psychology, stone cold stares (that’s a fun one), feigning madness, cultivating and shaping unease – the list goes on and on. The tactics are endless. The key is to employ them while holding on to your sanity and not letting teen idiocy get to you. It’s all about having fun with it. Wisdom bests raw youth every time. Oh, and remember, you are in control.

Which absolutely rules.

When are we ever in control?

Your classroom. Your rules. Your spin on the curriculum. It’s mighty empowering.

(I work right here.)

Anyways, today, my fellow teachers and the staff of my high school returned from summer vacation for the first workday of the school year. The kids don’t show up until Wednesday, so we have morning meetings and then we get the rest of the day to prepare our classrooms for the impending onslaught of smelly teens. So then, after a little red tape it’s off to our rooms (or, should your room be all ready to go, it’s off to wherever you desire – control, baby – yep!).

Look, I’ve worked retail, and waited tables, and then after college I dove head first into a business marketing career, and I’ve gotta say, compared to what I do now, these jobs sucked big time. Meeting up with a crew of teachers after two months of restful vacation feels good. It’s just like back in the day when we were kids re-convening for the first day of school. Hugs and handshakes abound. Sure, we all wish we had another month to sleep in and live each day as if it were a Saturday, but hell! We’ve all just had two months off. Two months!

Working marketing or retail, I was lucky if I got two weeks vacation time. And worse, while away, the work continued to pile up. It’s nice how we all go away and then come back and everything just sort of resets. It’s the same with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Spring breaks. We complain, but alas, we jest. The majority of us (there are a few burn outs in every bunch) know how lucky we are. We appreciate the time off and are anxious to be back. Most of us actually miss the kids and look forward to guiding them through the year.

Quick break! Check out some inspirational teacher talk from a poetry slam champ…

Jealous? Of course you are, but don’t fret. Did I mention we have to get up at the butt crack of dawn? Or how about having a bad day? Nothing makes a crappy day worse than obnoxious hordes of teenagers getting on your nerves.

Pros and cons aside, walking those high school hallways always feels a bit surreal. An odd nostalgia tugs at the heartstrings.

It’s weird spending my youth on one side of the fence and living my adulthood on the other. Knowing what I know, seeing how things work on the other side of the curtain, I can’t help but to smile. Man, I was sooo stupid as a teen! The small army of teachers, administrators, principals, and custodians, and lunch ladies, running the institution are regular folks that cuss, and slack, and goof off just like the kids they’re trying to whip into shape. Some are cool. Some are dorks. Some are good. Some are evil.

(Control, good sir, control.)

Not that the students seem to care. Sometimes it feels like they don’t see us as people. We’re Authority Figures. Automatons. Shells. Self absorption (the most evil of all teenage shortcomings) strips us of our humanity. This is a bit much for some (statistical evidence suggests that most teachers move on to something else – be it administration or a different field all together – within four years time). They freak out and forget that kids are kids. They forget to take a deep breath, flex their thick skin, embrace patience, and draw understanding from deep within. Successful teachers need limitless amounts of intestinal fortitude.

I love this song, Loyal Reader. All hail mid 80s Van Halen!

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Blog Star

Posted in General, Movies, News, Rants, Television on August 7, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Perez Hilton, slide your big butt over…MLC is in the house!

(no offense, Mr. Hilton, I just thought that was a funny opener.)

A news agency (of sorts – visit thecomicscomic.com and see for yourself) pulled a quote from my blog review of the Katt Williams show at the Ontario, Ca, Improv on Friday night (Claws Out). This isn’t cause for too much excitement, but as a struggling writer it’s nice to see my words in print wherever they may be.

Big ups to The Comic’s Comic for recognizing good stuff when they see it! 😉

(True that.)

That’s not much of a blog now is it?

I know, I know, but it’s Sunday and I’ve been working hard on a promotional Michael Louis Calvillo Must Be Destroyed! magnet (available at a horror writer’s convention near you), and I’m ready to shut off my brain for some BIG BROTHER, and then a little CURB.

365 posts.

Nonstop.

I shall prevail.

Should you doubt me, never fear. There’s big stuff on the horizon. More on my WORM series (The WORM Deconstructed Part I, Part II). FINAL DESTINATION 5, RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, and CONAN are on my movie radar. Oh, and I’m getting back to work and I’ll have some war stories soon enough.

365 posts.

Stay with me, things are bound to get good.

Until tomorrow, Loyal Reader.

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Claws Out

Posted in News, Rants, Raves on August 6, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Saw the Katt man last night…

Whoa! I’m not sure what the hell was going on.

The Man came out dressed in rodeo-militant-raver wear complete with spike studded captain’s hat and green lights attached to the front bill. A bull’s head skeleton, those old western kind, adorned his mic stand. And when he spoke, it was as if his spirit had been through the meat-grinder. He was beat down, Loyal Reader.

There were funny bits, sure, there were smart-psycho genius funny jokes, but his morose cadence and Presence with a capital ‘P’ were lethargic at best. The otherwise hyper, motormouth was pausing between bits while the crowd fell into awkward silences. One Chicano man freaked out after about an hour of the odd, scatological weirdness. He was so irritated he threw up his arms and screamed, “THIS SHOW SUCKS!” on his way out the door.

Williams instantly came to life, cussing out the heckler, baiting him, threatening to drop kick him right there on the stage. The place felt alive for a few electric minutes, but then Katt went into more of that slow drawl, drawing out stranger and stranger bits. Punch lines came at odd intervals. More people got up and left (this happened at a clip of about one or two couples every fifteen to twenty minutes).

(A picture is worth a thousand words.)

My party was getting antsy (and we’re generally a pretty patient bunch). But the vibe in the room never improved. It soured and that was that. We ended up leaving after about two hours, frustrated that we didn’t get what we thought we were going to. There were some brilliant bits sprinkled throughout the set. Katt Williams, as nutso as he seems, is still an endearing figure. Throughout the set he kept referencing his wealth and then bringing up crap like how Dave Chappelle walked away from 50 million because the Devil Media Outlet he worked for was only giving him 10% of five hundred million dollars. Because he walked away, the Media Outlet made it look like he was smoking crack. They asked the public, how can you walk away from 50 million dollars! They insinuated that you’d have to be on crack to pass on 50 million bucks!

Nobody really understood the financial chaos going on. Nobody listened to the details, they just figured Dave went crazy. The Media Outlet was screwing him over. All of this paired with the onset of mega-fame? Fuggedaboutit. The poor dude just needed to get away. This is all fine and good and interesting even, I’m glad Katt cleared it up, but the material wasn’t necessarily funny. It made me feel like Katt was the one in need of a relaxing getaway.

(Avoid the sanitarium at all costs! Stay sane!)

The comic delivered his material with such a quiet scorn that everything felt sharp and kind of uneasy. He kept putting himself down, shaking his head and letting us know how unfunny he was. He reasoned that if Dave Chappelle was Number One, and Dave Chappelle doesn’t even work, then why should Katt? If the funniest guy in the world wasn’t functioning, why should Katt? I understand what he was trying to say, but it still seems kind of illogical. You’re you, not Chappelle! You don’t have to share his pain. Besides who cares how much you empathize with Chappelle (who I love just as much)? I want some fun jokes, dammit!

(Uncomfortable comedy)

The jokes came, but they came implanted deep inside confessional grenades that kept exploding in routines about his “over-structured” childhood as a Jehovah’s Witness or Conspiracy Theorist paranoia about Muslims, and celebrity assassinations, and Bible stories. The man even attacked evolution, claiming it didn’t exist because the dinosaurs never adapted. Hmmm. Can anyone say cataclysm? There are some things you just can’t adapt to.

The off night resulted in some interesting moments. I still think Katt is an incredible comedian, deserving of all the money, and awards, and honors, he has earned (and can’t seem to stop talking about), but he seems to be going through some burnt out phase where touring is wearing him down. Maybe he was just tired. I think it goes deeper. I think Celebrity is making him sick. Money is losing its luster. His life is probably ready to evolve into a new phase (believe that).

I have faith Katt will get his mind right. He’s super smart. Set pieces on The Rodeo and Muddin’ and White People and Prison and Life in General, were as deep and inspired as they were funny. His rant on cancer was killer (I suppose I’m a little biased here). He’s definitely one of the special ones, I just think he ‘s in dire need of a rest. As rich as he boasts to be he can afford it. So please, Mr. Katt Williams, fly away. Lounge on a tropical beach. Love your blessed life. Speed talk your way back into our good graces!

A path to glory…

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The Last Hurrah…

Posted in General, Rants, Raves on August 5, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

So it begins. Tonight kicks off the last weekend before school starts and I go back to working the day job. Ordinarily, it wouldn’t be much of a big deal. It happens every year. Teaching has its perks – we help kids, enjoy nice holiday breaks, get off work early (2:30pm, oh yeah!), and then, of course, the Big Kahuna, we get two looong months of summer vacation. Except this year I’ve been off work since last December.

That’s right, I haven’t earned an honest day’s pay (other than from my writing) for almost nine months.

I don’t like to get into it on my blog (or much anywhere else for that matter), but I’ve had some health problems (it’s cancer – if you absolutely need to know the details you can message me personally and I’ll bore you to death with grim crap) and my doctor wouldn’t let me get back in the classroom.

(Staying home is no party.)

Fortunately (after a bit of begging and pleading), I’ve been given the green light. But now, the closer I get, the more I doubt and love my decision to return to work. Staying home is no picnic. It wears on you faster than you might imagine. Sleeping in every single day may sound like a beautiful dream, but when the world continues on without you, you start to miss the little things. Getting up and being somewhere because you have to be, because your livelihood, and the livelihood of your family is dependent upon it, is a powerful, gratifying thing. It kicks sloth’s lazy ass up and down the street.

I’ve been feeling pretty damned useless sleeping in till noon, then surfing the web, then playing video games, while my family gets up, and gets ready, and gets out there, to do what’s required of them. It’s nice to be required.

Still, as excited as I am to become a requirement again, I’m not looking forward to the return of alarm clocks. Though necessary, especially when I need to be up and ready by six in the morning, I loathe their insidious beeping, annoying squawking, soul destroying buzz. I’m definitely gonna miss waking naturally. I’m gonna miss falling back to sleep for as long as I want.

(Die! Die! Die!)

But alas, time marches on, diseases let up (thank the heavens), kids grow into high schoolers, teachers get back at it, and the world goes round and round.

Well then, I’m ready to enjoy the weekend. My wife and I (plus good friends) are off to see Katt Williams (My Favorite Little Pimp) and eek every drop of fun out of our last few days that we can. I hope you do the same. ’till tomorrow, Loyal Reader.

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The Real Reason The Internet Was Invented

Posted in Raves on August 4, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Forget fruitful Wikipedia searches and trading sensitive emails. Here’s one of the real reasons the Internet was invented…

So tell me?

Am I wrong?

Of course not. Okay then, be sure to visit those freaky, freakazoid perverts over at rathergood.com for more cheeky awesomeness (check out my fave, Gay Bar).

Good night for now, Loyal Reader. It’s late and I’m ready to power down. System shut down commencing in 3, 2, 1.

(Weirdness abounds...)

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FREE BOOKS ARE BETTER THAN ALMOST ANY OTHER THING IN THE WORLD! – MLC’s Free Book Contest

Posted in Books, General, News on August 3, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Nothing beats free books. I don’t know what it is, but I love them! A few years back, my wife and I spent a chunk of money on a trip to check out BEA (Book Expo America) – we didn’t have to fly, but we got a hotel room, and meals, and paid for our BEA registrations, but in the end I was happy as a clam lugging home armful upon armful of free books.

Beautiful, free, hardcover books!

We surely paid more than the cost of the free books for the overall experience, the weekend was far from a wash, but something about my shiny, new novels kept me smiling every time I’d recap for friends. “Man, my arms were so sore from all those free books!” Wonderful.

Anyway, today’s your lucky day, Loyal Reader! I’m gonna give away a couple of signed, PC (publisher’s copies) edition hardcovers of DEATH & DESIRE IN THE AGE OF WOMEN!

Now, they’re not exactly free, they’re the prizes in my first ever, hopefully annual, Free Books are Better than Almost Any Other Thing in the World Contest. Should this sort of thing get you fired up, all you need to do is post a review of any thing you have read by me on Amazon, or Facebook, or Goodreads, or Horror-Mall, or anywhere else with decent traffic that accepts reviews. The book is worth $55 bucks, I’ll pick up the shipping, and even throw in some Michael Louis Calvillo Must Be Destroyed swag, while packing the winner’s prize for the mail.

(Bloodletting did one heck of a job on the production – The finished book is very pretty)

So whadda you say?

Just send me a link to your review and you will automatically be put into a random drawing for the book(s). I’m still small potatoes as an author (the reason these reviews mean so much) and chances are the contest won’t be super crowded, so your odds of winning are pretty good. If I love, love, love your entry, but it is not one of the winning, random draws, I might find it in my heart to send you some sort of freebie for your efforts (I have some PC editions of other work lying around here). Blow me away and I’ll be generous.

Oh, and if you aren’t thrilled with my stuff, that’s okay, your opinion is your opinion, lukewarm to bad reviews also qualify (though they have the potential to hurt my feelings).

Send all entries to mlcalvillo@yahoo.com. Deadline is October 30th, 2011. Winners will be announced on Halloween and prizes will be sent immediately thereafter. Please feel free to repost this and get the word out, I’d really appreciate any and all help.

All right then, good luck!

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Watching Sunday’s BIG BROTHER On Tuesday!

Posted in Rants, Raves, Television on August 2, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

The damn DVR is nearing capacity! It’s not happy at 83 percent and neither am I. But then I’m tired and would rather get to bed early with a book to ease me off to dreamland (the wife agrees).

But, if we don’t watch Sunday’s BIG BROTHER (that definitive BB post is coming soon…) by tonight, we won’t be ready for tomorrow’s (or Thursday’s) telecast. We will never get back on track!

(And I’m watching BIG BROTHER!)

This is surely the stupidest problem in the world. Right?

Except you gotta believe me when I exclaim, “I love me some BIG BROTHER!!!”

It reminds me of Shakespeare’s corpse strewn RICHARD III with all of its Machiavellian motives and backstabbing drama. Okay, okay, as promised, more on the great BB later…

For now, I gotta play catch-up (HELL’S KITCHEN, MASTERCHEF, and even an episode of the usual, immediate watch, CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM, are impatiently waiting their turn in the digital queue).

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