August | 2011 | Michael Louis Calvillo Must Be Destroyed

Archive for August, 2011

Death Tube

Posted in General, News, Rants on August 21, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Tomorrow, I get to take the day off work, but it’s no cause for celebration because instead of lounging about and enjoying my freedom, I have to go to the hospital and get an MRI done for an upcoming orthopedic appointment. This cancer stuff has messed up my right hip pretty badly (currently, I walk around with crutches) and I am hoping to get things fixed up so I can move it, move it.

Now, there are plenty of imaging methods at the modern doctor’s disposal. I’ve had CT scans, and PET scans, and good, old, localized X-rays. Each of these aforementioned techniques are effective and (mostly) non-evasive and I don’t really mind a single one. Sometimes when I get a CT scan, they have to inject me with iodine and that’s kind of uncomfortable, but the machine itself, with its large circular, tire-like cavity, and open, scanning aperture, is completely non-threatening. You simply lay down as that tire-style crescent hovers, zaps you, then retreats. No harm, no foul. The doctors get a good look at my gooey insides and I am left virtually unshaken.

(No, it’s not Star Wars, it’s a nice, open CT scanner.)

The blasted MRI (which stands for Magnetic Resonance Imaging) is a totally different story. The technology powering the hulking beast is pushing forty years and given the compact, future skills of the CT, I feel it’s high time they retire the ancient behemoth.

The thing is, lots of working doctors prefer MRI images to CTs or PET scans, because they know how to read them. They’ve been doing it for years and the garbled pictures (which look like garbage to the civilian eye) make sense to them. They know what to look for. New tech (or, rather, new tech for an old doctor stuck in their ways) is always confusing, but with a little effort often proves superior.

So it goes with imaging technology. I’ve met tons of doctors since the cancer hit and lots of them are old dogs not interested in new tricks. They’d rather send me to an infernal machine that (literally) takes up a whole building and requires fifteen to twenty minutes to process an image as opposed to the fast, efficient machines running the latest technology.

(This is a little newer than the MRI machines I’m accustomed to, but it’s still damned claustrophobic up in those glowing lights.)

That the MRI machine truly occupies an entire building doesn’t bug me. It’s kind of kitschy in an old, 70s, super-computer way. It’s the coffin like confinement that gets my goat. I’m generally good with all of this uncomfortable hospital crap. IVs, blood work, needles, jabs, draws, etc… I’m cool. I grin and bear it and move on. We do what we must to survive. The MRI on the other hand, freaks me out like no other. Despite the machine’s crazy size, its single entry point barely accommodates a lone, sliding table and the nervous human strapped to it. Talk about claustrophobia. They squeeze you in place and you are immediately surrounded on all sides by gargantuan, hissing, buzzing panels of plastic.

I have to close my eyes and take deep grounding breaths to keep it together. Before you begin they ask you questions about metal (since the machine operates off of a huge magnet, it’s capable of ripping metal augments from your body!) and basic things like, “Are you claustrophobic?” I made a point to answer, “Yes,” hoping they’d drug me or something, but then they don’t do a thing about it! They quickly check a little box, and raise their eyebrows, and usher you on in to the constricting death tube.

Hello?

Why even ask if you aren’t going to do something to help?

I even bugged the tech and asked as much. He shrugged and told me to breathe in and breathe out. Thanks, pal. Appreciate the advice.

(Brain scan!)

Oh well, I suppose it’s best to just not think about. Twenty, thirty minutes, arms tightly by my side, legs straight, feet stiff, mind on the verge of a freak out…

I hate it, but whatever. I can handle it.

See you, tomorrow, Loyal Reader.

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Hail Crom, It’s Conan The Bore-barian In 3D!

Posted in Movies, Rants on August 21, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Ugh. I gotta get another movie in me stat (my wife and I are thinking HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN on Netflix). We just got back from Marcus Nispel’s CONAN THE BARBARIAN and man, I think its 28% Tomatometer score is way too high. This film was freaking painful. I was actually sitting there aching, waiting for Conan to dispatch the idiot bad guys and bring on those consolatory closing credits.

(Will the real barbarian please stand up!)

Where to begin? How about with some artistic integrity! I want movies that try. I root for those. They get a 28% on the Tomatometer and I give them a chance. They usually win me over. There’s usually something worthwhile buried within the uneven filmmaking. Even summer’s lazy RomComs, Steve Carell’s stupid CRAZY, STUPID LOVE, or the Timberlake / Kunis unsexy, sex epic, FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS (FWB if you roll like that), show more ambition. And that’s saying a lot considering that each of those movies don’t even have swords, or sorcery, or mountains of skulls to boost their cool quotient. By Crom, movies with swords, sorcery, and mountains of skulls, should be superior to CSL or FWB, on general principle. These are strange times, Loyal Reader. I mean, how can they screw up something as cool as CONAN?

How is it that a pair of pedestrian, summer comedies have more bite and flavor than the big Cimmerian and his bone crushing sword technique?

I feel faint. My world feels off center. I’m not only disappointed in the film – I’m ticked off. Conan is one of the coolest intellectual properties ever conceived. With minimal effort, this should have been a fun B movie. Instead, horrible writing, inane, ho-hum villains, ugly cinematography, and shoddy direction destroy the project from the inside out.

(Hey ladies! Look, it’s Conan as a beach bum in his off-season! By Crom, what have we done?)

Jason Moma glowers on cue, but the poor guy is given nothing but a single, mono-syllabic sentence here and there. He looks the part, but the Conan I so enjoy reading about, the muscled, mischievous thief with charm, smarts and a sense of humor is nowhere to be found. Even worse, the baddies, an evil father and his almost, more evil daughter (Stephen Lang, who kicked mucho butt as AVATAR’S military psycho bad guy, Rose McGowan, who is never really good in any thing), have absolutely no edge. Their characters were made to chew scenery. I expected some hammy, over-acting. That’s what’s so awesome about sword and sorcery epics – the crazy villains. These wet blankets growl and giggle and affect nefarious malignancy (I suppose), but they never inspire fear or disgust or delicious, villanous glee. They suck the life right out of an already lifeless endeavor.

Lastly, though I could go on and on about how much this movie sucks, I have no idea what director Nispel was thinking. He did a nice job with THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE (2003) remake. In making that movie (an impossible feat considering the original is one of the finest horror films ever made), Nispel built suspense and fostered a nice, consistent, fog of dread. CONAN isn’t a horror movie, but it’s the type of thing that screams for atmosphere. Nispel seemed like the guy to do it justice, but his new film is so poorly made and so…well…toneless, I can’t believe it was made by the same guy.

There are several action scenes where Conan fights some threat or another while his primary target, a captain, or chief thug, or whatever, watches on growling and drooling and cheering. Nispel cuts from Conan swinging his sword at some tentacled monstrosity to the chief bad guy’s reaction shot (more of that growling, drooling, or cheering) and then back. And then he does it again, and again, and again. It’s so ridiculous (and so surprisingly amateurish) that I rolled my eyes, and shook my head, and lost complete faith.

(Great poster. Terrible movie.)

Alas, it’s over. I’m home. My senses are safe. The debacle is behind me. I need to watch the original CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982) or maybe even the so bad, it’s good, CONAN THE DESTROYER (1984), to wash the putrid taste out of my mouth. Better yet, I need to sit down with some Robert E. Howard and read away the pain. Come on movie folk! We need a Hyborian world worthy of our imaginations.

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Bellamy Brings It!

Posted in General, Raves on August 20, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Almost missed a day, Loyal Reader, but fear not, I’m back at the hizzy and am typing this blog up quick before hitting the hay. It’s 1:42 in the AM and I gotta get to bed.

Michelle let the Improv know how terrible Katt Williams was a few weeks back and they hooked us up with eight tickets to tonight’s Billy Bellamy show. We brought along some of the same friends we saw Williams with and a few new ones. My expectations were…well…nil. I’ve seen Bellamy for years as an MTV VJ and as a hosting type on various projects. He does a workman-like job, bringing enough charm and swagger to his MCing. I was mildly interested.

(Surprise! I’m funny!)

Turns out Bellamy and opener, J. Reid, are super funny stand-ups. Bits on life, love, and an awesome piece about an angry killer whale in captivity resonated well with the receptive crowd. That whale joke really is something. Bellamy bent his arms to form fins as he held his head high, snarled at his Sea World trainers, and wagged his tail in a hilarious strut up and down the rather small Improv stage. The comedy veered from absurdist to sublime (my table had a few bouts of doubling over), but it was always relatable and quite well-paced. Neither comedian over stayed their welcome, each performing nicely timed sets that got the crowd rolling, kept them smiling, and then set them loose upon the real world at a decent time (unlike the William’s debacle which dragged on to a painful, 2AM, end time).

(Me too!)

So then, thumbs up Bill and J. You guys tore it up. Your acts are diamond sharp and every bit as glitzy as blingy ice. I laughed loudly often and I’m happy to spread the word.

They’re playing the Ontario Improv for the rest of this weekend and as good as the show is, I don’t think they’ve managed to sell out a single night (which is a travesty – come on folks, support your local comedy club). The 10:00PM show we caught was well attended, but nowhere near capacity. There were way too many empty booths and tables round about the back of the venue. It’s a shame.

If you’ve got nothing going and you are close enough, order up some cheap tickets and check it out. Laughing can take you somewhere else. It eeks the best from life, physically gooses you with ticklish energy, and dazzles up the old brain with streaks of cheery color. It feels mighty good. Comedy shows are always like funny therapy. The comics revel in painful truths. They’re upbeat, but usually hide a dark underbelly of insecurity. The thing is, these guys walked the line perfectly, whereas I fear poor, old Katt Willians has fallen head first into the very same personal hell that most comedians perform to keep those pesky demons of self worth at bay.

Still, I had a blast ;-)!

Pleasant dreams, Loyal Reader.

Here’s Bellamy in action a number of years back. Not too shabby, but he’s been honing that set over the years and his new stuff is really on point.

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Art Of The Soul

Posted in Books on August 18, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

One of my favorite parts about being an author is opening an e-mail and laying my eyes on new artwork for an upcoming publication. So far, working in the small press, I’ve been very lucky to have worked with excellent artists with awe inspiring skills. I’ve seen some horrible covers (no offense, horrible covers) and some horrible titling (no offense horrible titling) and if I was presented with one as my new release, I wouldn’t know what to say? I wouldn’t want to offend any body.

Again, I’ve been lucky. My first book kind of sucked. Not the book, I’m proud of that unruly bad boy (I WILL RISE). It’s first novel raw and has it’s angry young man energy. Not to toot my own horn, but I think it rocks. If you haven’t read it, I recommend it ;-). Still, the cover art stunk. I was the artist and Loyal Reader, let me tell you, I am not an artist. All I did was scan my hand into the computer and then photoshopped it into a weird, hole-in-the-hand, decaying planet – cancer – heart thing. I don’t hate it, but it’s amateruish compared to the artwork done by true artists.

(Kid’s stuff.)

Peter Mihaichuk did my second novel. Bad Moon Books had a much better budget than the micropress that handled my first book. AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT is a gruesome work. It’s truly scary. By day, Peter is an art director on various Canadian television projects. His dark art is top notch. His freaky photoshop manipulated pieces are striking and often times unsettling. Check out his work, you’ll be impressed.

(I love this.)

Daniele Serra really brought it. He did a gorgeous cover and twenty-one killer interiors in his distinctive, beautiful style. Bad Moon was even more generous with their art budget this time around and really went the distance to help produce a great looking book. As a trade paperback, BLOOD & GRISTLE is a well-priced art book with a collection of screwed up stories courtesy of moi.

(Bellissimo!)

The novella BLEED FOR YOU sold pretty well in print and digitally, due in part to Delirium Book’s work ethic and an incredible art piece by Zach McCain. I’ve never actually traded emails or spoken with Zach. Delirium gave him instruction and he came up with art that is highly evocative of my story. The work just fits. After you read the book, take a look at the cover and you can’t help but thinking, perfect, just perfect.

(McCain nailed it.)

My latest work, Bloodletting Book’s DEATH & DESIRE IN THE AGE OF WOMEN, has the coolest cover to date (IMHO). Alexy McVey tore it up. We discussed a number of concepts, one including naked, writhing devil women worshiping a giant worm. The idea somehow morphed and took on a bit of Christian iconography with a slimy worm, a gnarly tree, and an Eve in the Garden of Eden feel stemmed from the bits and pieces of religious allusion that weaves in and out of the narrative. McVey pulled off a mature work of classic beauty. Like with many of the works above, prints of the paintings are available and reasonably priced. Search them out.

(The next level.)

I have more superb covers coming out on the horizon including two from the awesome Frank Walls (stellar work for 7BRAINS and BIRDBOX. I wish I could share what I’ve seen, but we’ve got to wait just a little bit longer.

Well, see you tomorrow. Friday! Yay! Night, Loyal Reader.

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The Rise And Fall Of Michael Louis Calvillo

Posted in General, Rants on August 17, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Yes, Loyal Reader, I am being dramatic. The title of this post says it all. I don’t know what’s eating me, but I’m in a rare mood. Everything is all good. I’ve actually figured out the meaning of life (which is simple: to be in love), but still, I’m frustrated.

I hate talking about personal stuff on a blog or my Facebook, but I’m working hard at this 365 day personal goal and I suppose I can’t type that many diary entries without getting too close. Still, I don’t have enough faith in this public forum to go on about certain things that are off limits for humility’s sake (anything deeper than movies, books, music, writing, nice and safe sentiments, will be kept private and sure between me and my wife and my family). Still, if it’s all the same to you, I feel like venting…

(I almost trust you. Almost)

…about chemotherapy!

(Yikes! That’s one acerbic cartoon!)

Again, I don’t like to get too intimate, but, well, I have ~~cancer~~. I’ve talked about it super briefly in the past, but I’ve never really broken it down. I’ve done it plenty of times in real conversation. Friends and family and sometimes even strangers have asked questions about the disease and I’ve talked myself blue about fusing bones, and aching muscles, and the multitude of suckiness that goes along with the whole process. I’m not shy or withdrawn about it. Writing about it seems kind of weird though. It makes it more permanent and somehow more real than it is when we yell or mumble or whisper about it.

So then, a quick health lesson. Chemotherapy is a treatment for cancer that has done wonders for mortality rates. But, it’s a freaking bear on the system. I’m lucky because I’m 37 and young and strong as steel. Anyway, cancer demon cells feast on healthy cells and destroy tissue and muscles and even bone. Chemo is basically poison that’s pumped into the body to kill cancerous cells. It works, killing the cells, and keeping progression at bay. If it works really well, it’ll wipe out the cancer and bring about remission. The thing is, in addition to destroying the malignant cells, it bombards the body with a slew of negative side effects.

(Microbiology looks a lot like outer space)

Sometimes everything tingles, sometimes everything hurts, sometimes I get so tired I can’t hold my head up, sometimes I stay in bed until three or four in the afternoon (when not working). The actual procedure, plugging an IV into a port (that was installed surgically – it looks funky and weird beneath my skin) as if I were a character in a David Cronenberg film, lasts about six hours. The nurses tranfuse the chemo in three separate cycles. At the end of the day they plug a little box into my port. It continues pumping the chemo for the next two days then I go back to the hospital and they unhook the pump.

After chemo, my wife bravely injects me with a drug called Neupogen by stabbing the backs of my arms with a pre-loaded syringe. Cringe. Worse, the drug really squeezes the hurt out of my muscles and bones. I feel sore kind of like the way I’d feel after spending a full day at the beach boogie boarding in rough waters. It’s no fun. I usually have to endure five to seven days of shots depending on what the doctor orders.

(No matter how many times they stick me, I’ll never get used to needles.)

A week and half later, I have to get blood work done to make sure I am good for more chemo. If all is well, I go through the process over again. If my platelets are low, I get another week off then I go back and try again.

So that’s that, Loyal Reader. I hope you found my break down somewhat enlightening. Share the info with someone who doesn’t know what chemotherapy is all about.

I feel better. Less…anxious. I’d like to think I’m Superman strong, but there are times when I feel about two feet tall (no offense little people). Then, there are times when I feel like the hardest mofo on the planet. I guess I’m balanced. This writing thing helps keep the scales from tipping.

Maybe something a little more cheery tomorrow?

Good night and good luck.

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Mini-Game Madness

Posted in General, News, Raves on August 16, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

I like video games. Yeah, I’m old. Yeah, I should probably be doing other things with my time. Shoot me, I still love ’em.

My favorite type of games – deep, complex, long, action-adventure type stuff with RPG elements that usually utilize every single one of the standard gaming controller’s thirteen buttons – are draining. I play a lot less than I used to. Those over long adventures seem to take me a good six months to a year to finish as opposed to the two to three weeks it used to take me.

Lately, I’ve even been cheesing out and leaving games half done instead of beating them and moving on. It used to be one of my unspoken rules – always master the game you are working on before taking on a different title.

(This is my rifle, there are many like it, but this one is mine…)

I get a bit OCD about these things. I factor cost, and time spent playing, and trade-in values. I used to take advantage of Gamestop’s used game policy. You can return any used title you purchase within seven days and trade it for another title of equal or lesser value (so long as you keep the receipt). In my heyday, I could knock a game out in six to seven days and then return it for something else. That’s two games – if I pushed it – maybe three or four games for the price of one. Most Gamestop cashiers don’t care, but every once in a while a hardcase insinuates that they know what I am doing and that their return policy is not meant to be abused in such a fashion. Whatever. Anyway, I don’t geek out and play for a couple hours each day like I used to. I haven’t abused Gamestop in quite a while.

Which brings me to these damn mini-games. I scoffed at them in the past, thinking games designed for cellphones and iPads weren’t REAL games. Or, rather, they weren’t the type of games I’d ever consider playing. They’re too simple. They’re for monkeys and people who don’t really care for video games.

Well smack-a-baby, Loyal reader, I was wrong, wrong, wrong. These little gems, well the two I’ve been playing for the past few days – Angry Birds and Army of Darkness Defense – have been perfect for my lifestyle. Just because they’re simple doesn’t mean they are substandard. That they cost under five bucks (Angry Birds is $4.99, Army of Darkness Defense is free) rules.

(Simple. Addictive. It’s the new crack!)

The next time you see me dismissively blowing something off before I’ve even given it a chance please punch me in the arm. I’m hard headed and opinionated and sometimes I think my stuff doesn’t stink. But then, sometimes I am the stupidest idiot on the planet. These wonderful, little games have made a fool of me, but I am all the wiser. I get it now. Humbled, I eat my stubborn words and wonder how I got along all these years without a touchscreen slingshot or catapult. Oh, technology, I love you so!

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12 Seconds

Posted in Raves on August 15, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Loyal Reader, I am a happy man. I have found personal peace and deep, calming contentment at my core. I am rich. I am in love and sometimes even feel Tom Cruise crazy – like I want to jump on couches and scream my beloved’s name at the top of my lungs. My love is a wild ogre.

Today the beast feasts with us as my wife, Michelle, and I celebrate our 12th anniversary (wherein twelve years feels like 12 seconds).

All of that Romantic talk above? It’s all her. My girl has made me what I am today. She has taken care of me through rough times and we’ve enjoyed one another’s company throughout the good ones. I owe her everything and am super proud to call her my wife.

(From my heart beep to yours.)

We decided not to buy each other presents this year. Instead we are going to put the dough toward a tropical vacation sometime in the near future. Still, I gotta do a little something. So, these robots are just for you, Mrs. Calvillo. Happy Anniversary, to my lovely girl!

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Babyland!

Posted in General, Raves on August 14, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

My niece and nephews are crazy cute babies. The eldest, my niece, is a few days shy of three years old. Her twin brothers, one, my godson, the other, my wife’s godson, are just over one year old. Independently, they drive you batty with their cuteness. As a group they are cuddly chaos.

Forgive me, Loyal Reader, for this ultra-short post, but family is visiting from out of town and my time is limited. We’ll regroup tomorrow…

Here’s my godson. Try not to melt…

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Beware Those Angry Birds!

Posted in Books, General, Movies, Raves on August 13, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

It’s my new obsession! Holy crap, Loyal Reader, have you played this thing? It’s ridiculously fun. The object is to kill the egg stealing pigs by dive bombing kamikaze birds into their forts of wood, glass, rock, and the occasional TNT box. You sick your birds on the pigs by launching them in a touch-sensitive slingshot. Just put some pressure, pull, angle, then fire!

(Weapons of Mass Destruction)

That’s all there is to it. I didn’t expect the simple mechanic to hook me the way it did. I played for over an hour and plan on playing some more sometime soon. It’s my new Tetris. Go figure. I see ANGRY BIRDS T-shirts at school. It’s gotten that big. If you haven’t already, take a minute to give it a shot. It’s a must have for your iPad (or phone).

Also, FINAL DESTINATION 5 3D was a blast. It was damn expensive ($14.50 each), but it was worth it. The movie won’t work on DVD or cable – it’s standard entry fare with the same plot and the same unknowns acting the best they can with the material they’re given. The 3D enlivens the schlock factor. A schlock movie like FD5 or PIRANHA 3D deserves schlock 3D. It makes the movie more fun than it is.

Ranking them, FD5 comes in third, behind FD2 and the original film, but before FD4 and the godawful FD3 (the rollercoaster scene should have been much, much cooler). Nice direction and creative death sequences make FD5 3D worth checking out.

(I LOVE schlock! Yum! Yum!)

Also, if they make an FD6, I’m there. I think the series still has legs. They can do a few more, hire interesting directors, tweak the plot a bit, keep them short and zippy, make them entertaining. From bird slingshots to death’s due, we’re a pretty easy audience.

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Movie Night!

Posted in Movies, News on August 12, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Oh, FINAL DESTINATION 5 3D, how I hope you’ll be good. I think I’ve been disappointed by all of your brothers except for that oddball, FINAL DESTINATION 2. That particular volume has the best sense of humor of the bunch. The black comedy worked in heightening the absurdity of those over the top deaths and some clever sequences paid off with actual scares that actually provoked giddy, nervous laughs rather than yawns. The script was TV terrible, yes, but a few of the set pieces were superb. Things got suspenseful. Ingenious coincidence piled one blunder atop another until…BOOM! Someone died horribly. Muuhhhaaaahhaaaa!

(How can something that looks like this not be cool?)

So then, I’m off to see you, FD5 3D. If you suck, I am going to tattle to my Blog. More than one person reads it and I might even cost you somewhere in the vicinity of fifty bucks worth of admissions ;-).

Alas, I have hope. The Tomatometer is at 55%. That’s pretty good for a horror movie (avoid 20% and under). I know this much, it’s gonna be tons better than GLEE 3D (which looks much more painful than the screaming woman getting her eyeball attacked by some frenzied machine in the FD5 3D trailer).

Well, Loyal Reader, my family and I are off to the movies!

This is by far the coolest sequence of any of the Final Destination movies…