Michael Louis Calvillo Must Be Destroyed

7BRAINS!

Posted in Books, News on September 18, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

At long last…It’s here! The Official Big Announcement: I can finally tell you a bit about 7BRAINS! Burning Effigy Press, 7BRAINS’ publisher, made things Official right here.

(Oh yeah! I wonder what it tastes like?)

The cover, by Frank Walls (one of the BEST dark artists out there), is gooey, goopy gross! It fits the demented narrative beautifully. And I can assure you the story and its layouts are prisitine. Burning Effigy gave the book a couple of deep, deep edits. Everything reads beautifully. We crushed a billion typos and then a billion more.

We’re bound to find something in the end product, but our initial defense led an intense, pre-emptive strike and we obliterated most of them. Things read like butter. Oh yeah.

Here’s to Burning Effigy’s thorough work. They take the editorial side of things seriously. Recent works look equally impressive. Click the links to check the art for Nate Southard’s THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE, Maria Alexander’s AT LOUCHE END, and Tobin Elliot’s VANISHING HOPE. Cool, huh?

Okay then, 7BRAINS. check out the cover copy for a breakdown:

Humanity is on the cusp of a New Evolution. Yep! Pure Emotion has curdled and given way to empty solutions, a gilded edge of bling-bling exteriors masking Rampant Corruption, Souring Evil, and Internal Pollution.

Our hero, Malcolm, the reluctant man with a reluctant plan, purpose fluttering in his chest from zero to a million miles an hour in seconds flat, holds the keys to the kingdom of light. All he has to do is eat seven lovely brains and set things right. He’s got a hacksaw, and a hammer, and a set of determined, pearly whites. Can he usher in hope before the imminent descent of everlasting night?

Now hold on. You can’t order it just yet. It won’t go live live, until it goes on sale officially, officially at Killercon 3, September 22nd, 2011. When it does go live it will be an inexpensive chapbook. It will be significantly cheaper than hardcover limiteds like DEATH & DESIRE IN THE AGE OF WOMEN or AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT. You could definitely afford more than one if that’s the route you’re going down ;-).

The first copies will be sold at Killercon 3 and then once I get back I’ll bang the drum a bit and try to sell some books via Facebook and WordPress. It’ll be lots of fun launching it. If you pick up a copy, a quick review, posted mostly anywhere on the Internet, will make you eligible to win a $55 copy of DEATH & DESIRE IN THE AGE OF WOMEN. Just send me a link and you’re in (warning: deadline: October 31st, 2011).

Anyway, as alluded to above, 7 BRAINS is a novella about one man’s descent into madness as he reluctantly tries to usher in a New Evolution, an ambivalent, primordial force that will annhilate our current state of being and propel our souls into an uncertain future.

Magic like this doesn’t just happen over night, Loyal Reader. Our hero must accomplish a number of tasks to bring upon this instant evolution. In a nutshell, he has to eat 7 special Brains to align the Fates and get time spinning.

I think the effort came out very interesting. Heck, you may very well love it! But then, you’ll never know unless you follow me and keep on the alert for the all-important Official, Official Big Announcement.

Whew, I tell you, I am in awe of the process. Whenever a new book comes out I get nervous and excited! I can’t wait to see what y’all think…

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Metal With Melody

Posted in General, Music, News, Raves, Television on September 17, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

My latest obsession is VH1 Classic’s THAT METAL SHOW, in which three, New Yorker Metal Head Journalists and comedians, host a Metal talk show and banter about hard rock trivia. I like the show’s shaggy approach. The hosts are likable guys.

I get about eighty percent of what they’re talking about. I’ve always been a music buff. I like reading Rock Star biographies and books about rock culture. There are some bands I’ve only read about, but haven’t heard. I’m not so familiar with lots of the older Metal – Deep Purple, Saxon, Iron Maiden (though I loved all of their rock-horror Evil Eddie-the-head art), and even Judas Priest (though Breaking the Law managed to work its way into popular culture thanks to Beavis & Butthead). I’m good with Black Sabbath and AC/DC. Same with most of the hair Metal 80s stuff. Same with some of the subgenre stuff – industrial rock, death Metal.

(Ed The Head – Iconic Metal art.)

I don’t dig most of the atonal thrash stuff. Some guitar riffs really stand out, but musically things are focused on being heavy and the vocals suffer. Grunts and growls suffice. Melody is either accidental or perpetrated by true artistry, but not necessary. Most Metal heads don’t care. They lock into a heavy groove and rawk it. I understand, but thanks to those Beatles, the bar has been set. Some Metal just falls short.

Michelle and I have been to a number of hardcore concerts over the years, from when were young romantics in black up until just a couple of years ago. We’ve seen everything from Gwar to Marilyn Manson to Korn. We even saw Blue Oyster Cult (at a fair ground no less).

(Gwar – The Scumdogs of The Universe sound as good as they look!)

At some of these concerts (when we were young), we got pretty physical – shoved up against the stage, chaos erupting behind us in an explosion of mosh pits and leaning masses. Sweat mingles. Bruises develop. It was an exhilarating time, Loyal Reader.

We don’t go to live music much as of late. The last few shows we caught were mellow affairs. Martini bar type settings with table seating and say…I don’t know…someone like Matthew Sweet (we saw him in San Francisco at The Boom-Boom Room) rocking to the politely drinking room of thirty-something hipsters. A very different vibe, huh?

I prefer the grit and grime of a relentless punk show, but I’m too old for that stuff. Those bruises don’t heal so fast. I can’t shake off an accidental boot to the head like I used to.

But we have THAT METAL SHOW. We can relive our fiery youths through spirited conversation with the rockers who helped make it all possible. It’s interesting, it fuels my pop trivia fire. It’s cathartic.

Eddie Trunk, Jim Florentine, and Don Jamieson, are well-versed in the ways of Metal. Their inner fourteen-year-olds are strong. More importantly, they can carry a show. They make Metal sing.

I’m gonna watch tonight’s new episode right now…

Here’s Steven Adler on an earlier episode…

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…And The Meek Shall Inherit The Earth (At Least During The Holiday Shopping Season)

Posted in General, News on September 16, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

So here I am blogging. Great. Just fine. Oh, Senor Calvillo, what have you gotten yourself into with this daily blog thingee? I am TIRED, Loyal Reader.

We worked all day (when I say we, I mean myself, my wifey and my daughter) at school and then right after we drove about thirty minutes to meet my mama, and nana, and auntie, for a nice dinner visit. Then we drove back, we stopped by Gamestop on the way and picked up a copy of GOD OF WAR: ORIGINS COLLECTION.

(If you see these eyes, you’re already dead.)

So here I am blogging when I’d rather be:

A.) Hacking up beasties with Kratos‘ badass blades.
B.) Sleeping.
C.) Vegging out.

Oh well. Great. Just fine.

Don’t get me wrong, Loyal Reader. I LOVE blogging for you. But it’s been one of those days, you know?

Okay then, GOD OF WAR: ORIGINS COLLECTION. Cool, huh? I hope.

I’m a little leery, but then I did read a bunch of Metacritic reviews and things actually sound pretty good. My apprehensions stem from the fact that the two games on the disc (two games for 40 bucks made it all the easier to jump in) are ported over from Sony’s handheld PSP.

GOD OF WAR 3 was so beautifully epic, with jaw dropping backgrounds and awe-inspiring graphics. But GOW 3 was built for the PS3, a system with zillions of times more processing power than that of the paltry PSP.

(Oh yeah! It’s on like Donkey Kong!)

Can a PSP port work on the significantly advanced PS3?

The critics think so. They say the HD upgrade and a number of minor gameplay tweaks (on the PSP, dodge was mapped to the right bumper – on the PS3, it’s been re-mapped to the right analog stick just like the GOW console games) make a wonderful difference. They say if you’re a GOW fan it’s a must own.

I LOVE GOW (hence the ownership).

There’s nothing like ripping the wings off of demented harpies or disemboweling a raging minotaur. As far as action games go, GOW is the pinnacle. Except I am a little nervous for the ORIGINS COLLECTION because I am so not about moving backwards…

I tried it with HALO. I played HALO 3, really dug it, then went out and picked up HALO 2, a game designed for the original XBOX, but playable on the XBOX 360. Ugh. The game was ugly as sin. It was a clunky mess. I internally promised myself to never move backward again. Gaming (for me anyhow) is all about impressive graphics and super smooth control. Screw that retro crap. I want the future and I want it now. The better a system pulls it off, the more interested I am.

(Gobble, gobble, gobble.)

So then, I’m going to sign off and pop this disc in and see what’s what.

The rest of this year, once GEARS OF WAR 3 drops next week, all the way up through Christmas, is game CRAZY.

Stellar, triple A titles are coming out every week. There are actually too many games to take stock of (unless I want to write, and write, and write – tonight, I haven’t the energy). A few biggies that come to mind are the OBLIVION sequel, SKYRIM, Id‘s RAGE, and the latest UNCHARTED game, UNCHARTED 3: DRAKE’S DECEPTION (which continues the best action-adventure movie series never made – seriously, these games destroy the best of Hollywood’s big-budget action movies in terms of sheer excitement and exhilaration).

Here’s to a holiday season teeming with mindless, digital diversions.

See you tomorrow? Until then, why not rock out with some geek USA, live from Germany!

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Hey Look! I’m An E-book! (Get With It, Humanoids!)

Posted in Books, General, News, Raves on September 15, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

You know, Loyal Reader, I’ve published five books. Five! And when each release came out I did a real strong promotional push. I posted all over social media and banged my drum as loud as I could.

I still have swag from each release – postcards, Hershey Nugget chocolates with tiny book covers printed on them, magnets, and I still bring them to every convention. And then at the conventions I read, and smile, and meet interesting folks, and (hopefully) sell some books (and buy some books too).

In all this time of promo-ing this or that, I have never once posted about or blogged about my e-books.

Stupid.

I feel like I’m late to the party.

($3.99 are you out of your mind? Heck no! This sucker only costs $3.99!)

Three of my releases have e-editions in addition to their hardcover or trade paperback counterparts. I’ve known that they’ve been there, hanging out in cyberspace, waiting for a buyer, but since I don’t like reading on the computer as much as I enjoy holding a real book, I haven’t placed much attention upon, or even bothered pushing the digital stuff.

My publishers are too busy publishing to do much promotion. The e-book markets post them there for you to click upon and download, but they don’t do much to promote individual releases either. I want to get the word out there, but I don’t want to pay for any of this. A BLOG and a Facebook page are all I need. I hope. But then, I have you, Loyal Reader, and you’ll help in spreading the good word. Right?

Enter the iPad. My wife and daughter brought me one for Father’s day last. I love it. There are some interesting games (ARMY OF DARKNESS DEFENSE is free and it rocks!). Some cool work apps – like Microsoft Word and such. And then, after a few months of playing with it, I finally stumbled upon online comics and e-books.

(Sexy.)

They look so slick on the iPad’s beautiful screen. And they’re cheap! My e-bookshelf currently contains books by Weston Ochse and lots of free classics – The Odyssey, a complete Poe anthology, The Art Of War.

Just yesterday, the little bulb went off in my head. It signified an awakening.

Holy crap!

I have e-books that can look this good! And they do look good. They look great in the bright iPad light. The cover and interior art is in place. You get the whole book experience for a fraction of the cost. My e-books are budget, baby. You can get BLOOD & GRISTLE, AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT, and BLEED FOR YOU, for as low as $2.99! You can also grab a short story I wrote called THERE’S NO PLACE IN A SLEEPING WORLD FOR A WAKEFUL MAN for only 2 bucks!

(I’m only $4.99! Yes!)

I think the iPad has really pushed this e-reading to the next level. Screw the Kindle. It’s archaic architecture is nowhere near as exquisite as iPad’s iBooks. Your computer bookshelf is a beautiful thing. The book covers pop all vibrant and artsy. I can actually touch one of my covers and dive into this digital age.

I still prefer books, but my eyes have finally been opened. I was leery and sort of quietly waiting for my rights to revert so I could work out a better digital contract and then push the books and hope to turn a profit after conventions and promotion, but the future is now. It’s time to mobilize.

So then, if you like the cut of my jibe (yep!), and you feel me on this digital book thing, then why not grab your iPad and spend twelve bucks on three of my works. I guarantee you’ll find them interesting. Will you love them and memorize cool, flashy paragraphs of smooth talking prose? Will you get lost? Will you give into the dark? Will you ride the snake? Ride the snake, ride the snake to the lake, the ancient lake, baby. The snake is long, seven miles. Ride the snake…he’s old, and his skin is cold...(thanks, Jim).

($2.99 for twenty stories and accompanying art.)

Anyway follow the appropriate links (click on either the book covers or hyperlinked print) and let’s see what we can do in sales.

Okay, Loyal Reader, I appreciate your loving support. I promise to write you a masterpiece one of these days. Deal ?

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The Great Reality TV Experiment

Posted in Books, Raves, Television on September 14, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Ah! TVs! And Kevin James! Some lazy posts lately. Let’s get back to the writing stuff!

Or, how about reading stuff?

Teaching gives me the opportunity to reread and re-teach some of the classics. Right now, I’m in my third week of laying down a solid foundation from upon which to teach Homer’s epic poem, The Odyssey. We don’t read the whole Odyssey. The entire book is almost six hundred pages of ancient Greek verse. We read excerpts from a few of the The Odyssey’s many books. About a hundred and twenty pages worth. Not a bad sampling. Then we watch the movie and write essays about all of it.

(Giddyup!)

I love The Odyssey. I even love the word. The way it sounds. The way it rolls off the tongue. And I love Odysseus, the epic’s all-too human hero (you see, he’s got flaws and stuff – that what makes him a true hero, his humility, his humanity). The Gods are JEALOUS of the man’s vigor. His love for life. His obscene thought that he was equal or better than the Gods got them all riled up. How dare the vain man boast that he is better than an immortal?

Spicing things up, interfering with human triumph (and loss), the Gods use Odysseus as their own reality TV show experiment, pitting him against monsters, and ferocious oceans, and wily, seductresses. He engages in a ten-year struggle to escape the war-time horrors of Troy and make his way home to his beloved wife, Penelope. Worse, but awesome for drama, Penelope is besieged by 12o suitors, all eager to marry her and seize Odysseus’ kingdom of Ithaca. They eat her food and drink her wine, in excess, taking advantage of the laws of the land which demanded a widowed queen must be wed and giving the suitors the right to lounge about until she chooses one to take her long-missing husband’s place.

(Odysseus and his bow get mighty bloody. Best. Ending. Ever!)

That reads like a mighty fine movie pitch, doesn’t it? Why hasn’t some Hollywood producer gotten behind a big-budget screen version? We watch a version from the Sy-fy Channel. Simply titled, THE ODYSSEY, it’s a nineties production starring Armand Assante (who is fabulous) and a host of other Greeks. Eric Roberts chews it up as one of the evil suitors. The CGI is nineties bad, but the acting is lively and when the production uses real SFX in conjunction with the clunky CGI, they sometimes pull off stylized charm. It makes the movie fun.

We all know the whole book is better than the movie thing and it definitely applies here. The Odyssey is a masterpiece for a reason. It’s not only old and historical, it’s fun and pulpy. Odysseus is a charismatic dude. The action is fierce. Romantic interludes are sexy. It’s a great read.

The text is a joy to teach. I love the front-loading, where we study Chaos and Gaia and the Titans and the Olympians. I love transporting a crew of kids back four thousand years and reading interesting poetry about monsters and Odysseus’ cunning. I can’t believe I get paid to do it.

(In the beginning…there was Chaos!)

Tonight is a very important TV night. Survivor starts while Big Brother and America’s Got Talent comes to an end. That’s way too much TV! I like to get to sleep as early as I can (10ish), but this lineup is compromising my chances of getting a long night’s sleep.

We are gonna start at 8 and see how long we can go. If Michelle or I go down early, we’ll have to catch up on our DVR tomorrow, except tomorrow, the endings of AGT and BB may be revealed in class (some kids watch the shows). We have to decide which to watch tonight.

Till tomorrow, Loyal Reader! Survivor is calling…

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Yay! New TV Day!

Posted in General, News, Television on September 13, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

We’re replacing our beast of a bedroom TV for a sleek, thin, new model. The old beast is a 37″ Toshiba HDTV that came out before HDMI cables became the HD standard. The set gets HD through component cables. I’m the type to not really quibble over a so-slight-you-almost-can’t-see-it difference between a component fed picture as opposed to a HDMI powered set. I notice with my video game consoles, but cable TV looks good either way.

Still, the beast has a giant, heavy-as-hell tube and the TV takes at least three strong men to lug it from its cradle atop a chest of drawers. The density factor has had us eyeing a new bedroom TV for some time.

(Go ahead, lift me. I dare you. I’ll break your back, humanoid!)

Our living room set isn’t too far from a replacement and we’ve been considering a large set (60″ or greater) for our home theater. I can’t wait to jump on this purchase (probably around Christmas). The new, large, LED LCD and plasma sets come equipped with Wi-Fi and an array of built-in apps. Their pictures are unreal. Sharp. Sexy. Sharp. Drool.

And you know what? TVs are frigging cheap! Our home theater set (another Toshiba, this one a 62″ HDTV DLP) cost like 4,000 bucks five years ago. New TVs of the same ilk (with phenomenally advanced tech running the show) are 1,500 dollars or less. Crazy. I can spend 2,000 dollars for a 70″ with all the bells and whistles. Not bad at all.

Considering how often our TVs get used, and then considering that we keep them for an average of five years, that’s a pretty great deal.

(The latest member of our happy, little family.)

Even cooler, COSTCO (the only place you should buy big-ticket items), offers a two-year standard warranty beyond the included, one year clause. For 99 bucks you can by three more years, giving your shiny new idiot box, five years of protection!

Technology is ridiculous. I love it when microchips swing things in our favor.

(Look at you, you sexy beast!)

In any case, our new bedroom TV is a 46″ Magnavox LCD HDTV. We got a super deal. It’s nice and thin, with a bright, sharp picture. Sundays in bed, watching cable, playing with my iPad, lazing about, are going to be even more awesome.

Night, Loyal Reader!

Robo coolness!

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Lie To Me

Posted in Raves, Television on September 12, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Oh Doug! You will never be too fat! Fill up at Eddie’s U Fry It. Eat that whole bag of Doritos. Don’t pull a Jonah Hill and attack weight loss. You have to be fat. It’s part of who you are. You can suck in the gut, or wear a girdle for your film work, but, as THE KING OF QUEENS (syndicated and playing everywhere on a TV near you), you must be a big boy! It don’t work without it. It’s out of character.

Right?

(Meatball sub, please?)

I mean, look, your character, Doug Heffernan (even that name is fat!), lies continuously. It’s funny. I laugh my butt off – still – all the time – and I’ve seen every episode at least twice (probably). Lots of episodes revolve around Doug lying to his wife Carrie, or his friend Deacon, or his father-in-law Arthur, or his cousin Danny, or even fat, geek, whipping boy, Patton Oswald (super stupid compared to the actual Patton Oswald’s stand-up material).

Doug Heffernan has no qualms about lying whatsoever. He will stare you dead-in-the-eye and tell you what you want to hear (no matter how untrue) until he gets his way. So it goes with food and being fat. The man has a greedy, gluttonous hunger that spills into all facets of his life.

It’s kind of sick when you think about it, but it’s a sitcom and Doug is also a sweet lug who always means well. Watch and see how easy it is to forgive his base ugliness. He loves his wife and often lies to protect his friends (no matter the idiot consequences). But…

Did you know that Doug Heffernan attended a wedding and took one of those disposable cameras and took a picture of his junk? Ouch. Seriously. He even put a little top hat on it.

When the pictures were developed and passed around a post-wedding send off soire, everybody freaked out. Doug blamed it on his cousin Danny. The scapegoat appears in pictures before and after the offending organ was captured on film. He was drunk. Oh, and he happened to once date the new bride. He was visibly broken up over it.

(Doug? I love the guy!)

Doug knew all of this, but instead of coming clean he twisted the knife and rode his cousin into the ground. Evil, sir, evil. Horrible, sir.

At long last, guilt eating him, he admits his faux pas, and then in frustrated grunts and ape-man groans he tries to pretend that what he did was fine. Carrie raises her eyebrows. Doug insists that Danny will be cool. So long as the lie sticks all is well. Things fall apart (of course), but everyone forgives Doug, because Doug Heffernan is an unstoppable beast. With friends like him, who needs enemies? You feel me, Loyal Reader?

Then there’s the love…

Carrie loves Doug.

Doug loves Carrie.

They dog each other every chance they get – kind of like a tamer THE WAR OF THE ROSES – but kiss and make-up after twenty-minutes.

Despite the lovey-smokescreen, when you really think about it, the show spends lots and lots of time being mean. They even ran a cliffhanger where Doug and Carrie almost separate – the couple wanting to live different dreams (she wants the NYC, high-rise condo, he wants their Queens’ duplex). They had a miscarriage episode. The elderly are abused regularly.

I love every second, Loyal Reader.

It’s funny because years and years ago, when I was attending Cal State Northridge, I’d watch TV screenings at the various movie studios to make a few extra bucks. The studios hired focused groups (fifty bucks for about three hours work!) to rate pilots and figure out their programming schedules / renew / pick up shows. You sit in a screening room with about twenty or thirty others and turn a little knob on a little remote control box. You go left everytime you like something, and right everytime you don’t.

The first screening I did was for THE KING OF QUEENS. I wasn’t all that impressed. I turned my knob right again and again and was surprised to see that the show actually made it on to the air.

But that’s how it goes with sitcoms. You give them half the chance and they’ll grow on you like a fungus. Smart ones like KING and THE OFFICE (which is so good, we watch it in primetime and in re-runs)? They infiltrate your soul. They whisper into your ear and convince you that they are much more than they are.

You say tomato, I say tomato…

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Eventual Winners, Perpetual Losers, & Creepy DEADGIRL(s)

Posted in Books, General, News on September 11, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Last month I began a free book contest. We’ve still got a little time before the deadline, but I wanted to post a few periodic reminders between now and the end date, October 31st, 2011.

I’ve already gotten a number of entries, but don’t fret, your chances are still just as good as any of the other entrants. Our winner will be chosen at random. The prize? A signed, limited hardcover of my Bloodletting Books release, DEATH & DESIRE IN THE AGE OF WOMEN (a $55 value!).

(Yes, I know, you’ve seen this a million times. I can’t help it, I’m like a proud papa with a billfold full of pictures.)

The rules of the contest are monkey-simple. Just post a review of any of my material in any public forum or venue and you’re in! From Amazon.com, to goodreads, to your own blog, to Horror-Mall , just post a critical analysis of anything I’ve written (good or bad) and then send me a link at mlcalvillo@yahoo.com. I’ll respond to your e-mail confirming your eligibility.

If you’ve already written something up (old reviews count), resend me the link as a reminder and you’re good to go. If you end up winning and already have a copy of DEATH & DESIRE, then I can give you a selection of my works in its place (valued at $55 or more). The books make great gifts too!

Okay then, keep ’em coming. Your reviews, negative or positive, are a great help in spreading the word. Folks read these things and they often pin their book buying decisions upon your opinions, so stay active and keep supporting small press horror!

What else?

Michelle and I have been watching Netflix lately. We tried two movies based on some Facebook recommendations. First up, WHITE NOISE 2.

The straight-to-video sequel (not really a sequel – instead it takes the premise of the first film – the Michael Keaton suck-fest – and does its own thing with it). Nathan Fillion stars, and while I like him as an actor, and he does a good job here, I found the film incredibly boring.

The film’s director, Patrick Lussier, did decent work on MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D (still a stinker despite good direction) and does another workman-like job here, but like VALENTINE, it’s competent and looks good, but gives us nothing to get too excited about. At least VALENTINE was goofy and gory. WHITE NOISE 2 is boring and oh, so serious. Blech!

(Nice for a nap…)

Last night, we took a chance on DEADGIRL. I’m glad we did. It was creepy, and weird, and a little hamfisted, but in the end it all came together nicely. The titular character, a woman who can’t die (she just lulls between worlds), is magnificently freaky. And the leads, high school characters played by thirty year olds, actually talk and think like real, idiot teenagers (too bad they look so old).

The movie is sick and sort of thoughtful. It goes a little too far here and there, favoring sensationalism and easy gross-outs over realism, but hey, it’s a movie about a dead girl and the disgusting things high school boys choose to do with her, not a coming-of-age character drama about adolescent growth. With a bit more restraint, the movie could have been something really special.

(Lots of Ewwww moments. I like it!)

Young directors, Marcel Sarmiento and Gadi Harel, can’t direct an action scene to save their lives (the camera shakes, and the actors shake, and props shake, and I have no idea what’s what), but they do a killer job building tension and crafting an eerie ambiance. I’m definitely interested in seeing what’s next for the duo (together or independently).

Here the DEADGIRL trailer…

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Avatarded Miscellany

Posted in Books, General, Movies on September 10, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

What? No comments on BUCKY LARSON? I thought yesterday’s post was going to blow up the ENTIRE Internet and LARSON would go on to outmatch AVATAR’s box office records!

Kidding, kidding.

And it’s all good because I LOVE me some AVATAR. That movie, for all of its cheesy clichés, rules.

(The major reason AVATAR is great. Alas, one of the many reasons why CONAN was not so great…)

Still, IMHO, LARSON is going to make far less than it deserves. Or maybe not. Usually Sandler’s off-shoots, you know, the projects he gives to his friends, tank pretty hard and then end up making a killing on video, achieving some sort of cult status. They’re watched by party people forever and ever. It’s not such a bad fate for a movie. Ten years from now, some goober will giggle and ask you or someone you know, “Ever seen, Bucky Larson? Oh, man, it’s so awesome…he, he, he, ha, he, he…” (or however them stoner-types laugh it up).

Not much else going in blah-blah land tonight, Loyal Reader. I could write-up some more literary analysis (on my work or someone else’s) or talk music, or movies, but then, I’m off to a late start and I’m more in the mind to chill out than hammer away at the keyboard.

But I gotta give you something…

Hmmm…

Oh!

Wait!

I got it!

(Yay!)

Good news on the short fiction front, Loyal Reader! The weird / creepy story I wrote for that invite anthology made the cut! Yep! Mr. Editor Man let me know yesterday. The Sad, Not-So-Sad, Ballad of Goat Head Jean, Ambivalent Devil Queen has officially been accepted and will see publication soon. When the details go up, I’ll provide the proper linkage. I’m sharing a TOC with Graham Masterton and John Shirley (among others), so regardless of how my story is received, the book should rock.

BTW, the anthology is called ZIPPERED FLESH (no links just yet). Catchy, huh? The unsettling theme is body augmentation gone wrong. Goat Head Jean tackles breast implants (the most obvious of subjects, right?), but takes things in wholly unexpected directions. I’m satisfied with how the overall story came out and I can’t wait to see what y’all think. I was going for pure, unadulterated mortification, so if the piece has you holding your hand over your mouth and crinkling your brow in…well…mortifying horror, I’ve done my job. Maybe I’ll read it aloud at Killercon 3 (soon!).

(Be there or be…square!)

Speaking of which… My new novella 7BRAINS is officially launching at Killercon 3. Burning Effigy is throwing a party in honor of their new releases and I am among the honored! Cool! I can’t say much more about the book until then, but never fear, you’ll hear plenty about crushing loss and devouring brains and The New Evolution soon enough. Burning Effigy does inexpensive (beautifully crafted) chapbooks, so this one won’t break the bank either. When the time come to order it, hell, order two and give one to someone you hate (or love).

’til tomorrow…

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Comfortably Dumb

Posted in General, Movies, Raves on September 9, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

It begins with a gloriously ridiculous sight gag – a farmer-type spreads peanut butter on his junk and then invites a petting zoo’s worth of goats to nibble away. The man’s obscene mug, a toothy display of cheese, mugs, and mugs, and mugs. Around the sixty-minute mark, the dumbassyness of the comedy wears thin, but the first forty-five minutes are delirious fun.

The comedy is of the distinct, Happy Madison brand. BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR is a worthy addition to the Sandler & friends canon of inane, lazy comedies. The jokes are loose and dirty. A well tanned Don Johnson plays an adult film director named Miles Deep. Stephen Dorff is superstar and arrogant rival, Dick Shadow. His insane character once saw a shadow of his well-endowed body on a mountain side and then had an epiphany. The rude stage name arose from the experience.

Comedy superstars cameo and keep it sleazy. Kevin Nealon is strange (and strange-funny) as a foul-mouthed roommate.

(Oh boy, here we go…)

These movies – the Happy Madison overture – are the stupidest things on earth, but I love them. Millions and most film critics hate them. But then, millions of other folks, and most of my friends, dig the puerile potty humor. We see the forest through the trees, Loyal Reader. This crap is absurd. But it’s supposed to be absurd. It’s joyfully, unabashedly absurd.

Bucky Larson is a mid-westerner with huge buck teeth (the butt of many, many, many jokes) and a Dutch boy haircut. The blissfully oblivious character moves from a small town to LA after he discovers his parents starred in adult films. He thinks it’s his destiny to follow in their footsteps. Much ridiculous drama ensues.

I think I’ve used the word ridiculous a zillion times in this write-up. When talking Happy Madison, it’s the first word that comes to mind.

(Subtlety isn’t really his thing)

Anyway, artistically, there’s not much to discuss. Happy Madison plots are contrived, messy jumbles. The movies are barely directed (sorry directors), and some of them, a few more than others, are so slapdash lackadaisical that they are almost unwatchable. Almost. For when that idiot humor fires, and I’m doubled over, gasping for air, I can’t help but to give credit where credit is due. When can I laugh like that? When was the last time something uproariously sublime had you rolling on the floor? One scene in BUCKY LARSON had me laughing so hard that tears streamed down my cheeks. It’s that funny.

Swardson brings it. He plays the character…well…like a character, but he’s fun and he’s funny. His O face is priceless. Christina Ricci plays nervous and nice as Bucky’s girlfriend. She does what is required over her and little more.

Like all great art, risks must be taken in the film making process. Some of Happy Madison’s shabby charm is in the way scenes are rammed together, ending abruptly, one sequence after another rubbing shoulders in odd cuts and messy jumps in time / cohesive narrative flow. Sometimes things are just weird.

Sometimes their sitcomish stories stretch credulity to the absolute limit. I don’t know what it is, but Sandler and company have the touch. They get me laughing which isn’t always easy to do. Sometimes they hit below the belt, going for the easy win with poop jokes. We roll our eyes and shake our heads and giggle at the foolishness of it all. Magic.

(An Empire of Dunces)

LARSON uses all of the same troupes every Happy Madison film uses. Let’s see, Loyal Reader…I think most of you are among the hundreds of millions of people who catch these films at the movies or on video. I’m going to assume you’ve seen THE WATERBOY, HAPPY GILMORE, GRANDMA’S BOY, and maybe, even, last year’s JUST GO WITH IT.

All four movies are retarded with a capital R. They are profane but sweet. They feature wild, unfocused direction and sitcom quality narratives. They are compulsively watchable. Supporting characters are outlandish. The ridiculous of it all is shared between the audience and the filmmakers. We know that they know that their films are goofy and in the end everybody’s needs are being met.

(Chimps and video games. These are a few of my favorite things…)

Some might argue that two of the four films are inept and worthless (many critics have slammed GRANDMA’S BOY and JUST GO WITH IT – THE WATERBOY and HAPPY GILMORE on the other hand actually have a bit more cred. Some critics like those two). I think they all have their golden moments.

GRANDMA’S BOY has Nick Swardson’s kid-car bed and I laughed out loud when he called his parents his ‘Roommates.’ It’s also got a great, uncomfortable scene involving a bathroom and an action figure (watch and understand).

JUST GO WITH IT has Dave Matthews picking up a large coconut with his butt cheeks and a classic little vignette featuring a kid wilding out in a Chuck E. Cheese parking lot. Hopped up on sugar, the wild kid runs away from his mom and then throws a soda at her in slow motion. Awesome.

THE WATER BOY and HAPPY GILMORE are so iconic and entrenched in popular culture that I don’t have to bother pointing out the highlights. Both films are extremely likable. Their subplots – the love interest stuff and other bits of things disconnected from the momentum of the A story – are more endearing. Sandler pulls off a couple of great leads. HAPPY GILMORE has him in Chevy Chase FLETCH / CADDYSHACK mode, witty and rude, but charming and charismatic. Endearing, right?

And who can forget THE WATERBOY? Sandler played the whole thing straight. Not Bobby Boucher’s ridiculous voice, and hair, and brain, but his world-view. The character is a goof, but he’s a sweet goof who believes in doing the right thing. He’s truly nice and his high-pitched stammer makes me smile from ear to ear.

(My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.)

So then, give into the idiocy and give BUCKY LARSON a chance. It’s a nice showcase for Swardson. It’s super stupid, but if you go in expecting as much, you’ll discover another Happy Madison confection – sugary sweet, slightly rancid, but as light and airy as a whisp of cotton candy.

More Larson goodness…