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Hobo With A Heart Of Gold

Posted in Movies, Raves on August 28, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Okay, Party People, it’s Saturday night and I still owe you a blog. I’m ready to kick off these shoes and chill – we’ve been visiting friends (a cool baby shower) and family (my bro-in-law and his lovely brood), traversing the Inland Empire from Rancho Cucamonga to Hemet, then back to the good, old homestead, and I am nearing beat (though I still got a few hours of mindless TV in me).

How about I give you a little something cool and then call it a night?

Deal?

Good.

So then, last weekend, after squirming through the awful CONAN, Michelle and I had to do something to cleanse our eyeballs. We fired up Netflix and decided on HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN. I wasn’t expecting much. The title says it all, and, well, frankly, it doesn’t really do it for me. But I like Rutger Hauer, and hobos, and shotguns, so what the hay, we went ahead and gave it a shot.

Well, the movie isn’t much more than a ninety minute gimmick, but it moves swiftly, has a great performance by Hauer (and a trio of excellent baddies), and is wild enough to warrant your attention. Jason Eisner, the film’s director (and winner of a Grindhouse trailer competition), is the real deal. He takes a miniscule budget and gives us some pretty incredible, dark entertainment. The film is highly stylized and hyper-violent (two wonderful things in my book). Bikini girls dance in fountains of blood, chaos runs rampant, and the grime encrusted locale at it’s evil center, Scum City, is appropriately scummy.

(Go hobo, go hobo, go!)

Hauer’s Hobo, a well meaning homeless man trying to earn enough money to buy a lawnmower so he can make a decent living, is affecting despite the silly concept. When he’s had enough and decides to clean up the foul city, spending his hard earned cash on a shotgun instead of his dream mower, I actual felt a sense of…I don’t know…sorrow…and…satisfaction.

Eisner does such an excellent job of creating a city gone mad, you can’t wait for the title hobo to acquire his title shotgun and blast vengeance upon the disgusting citizenry.

The film actually reminds me of something Troma would have put out in the mid 80s, but done much, much better. Imagine a nasty, little exploitation film with nice production values and a punky streak of artistic integrity. Things look cheesy because Eisner wants them to and not the other way around. It’s gratuitous, and ridiculous, and in one of my favorite scenes, brave enough to torch a school bus full of children (awesome). I’m happy to report, Hobo has the goods.

Highly recommended.

Okay, Loyal Reader, I’m tired. Have a good one. Oh, and be sure to check out HOBO when you get the chance, you’ll have a blast.

Here’s the trailer…

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Bite Night (On A Monday Evening No Less)

Posted in Movies, Raves on August 22, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

We wasted our weekend entertainment on the abysmal CONAN THE BARBARIAN, a movie that looks like it was put together by early stage test monkeys from RISE, so when the urge to see FRIGHT NIGHT 3D struck (on a Monday evening no less) we figured What the heck? Let’s do this.

FRIGHT NIGHT 3D does what it does and it does it very well. What’s more, it does it nice and it does it fast. It’s nothing you’ll remember six months down the line, but for a swift 100 minutes you’ll find yourself enthralled, cheering on mayhem driven vampire, Jerry Dandridge (Colin Farrel as good as everyone says he is), as he tries to destroy his teen nemesis, Charlie Brewster (twenty-two year old, Anton Yelchin doin’ the teen thing).

(Edward who?)

The film does a wonderful job of appropriating the best of the original and wrapping it up in new bits that play out as good as, or better than, the first film’s key moments. Craig Gillespie (who made the indie feature LARS & THE REAL GIRL) (haven’t seen it), handles this commercial thriller with finesse. The man understands how to move along an action scene. It’s a workman like project, not too flashy, a solid pulse-pounder that gets moving early on and doesn’t let up.

Back in the day, I LOVED the first FRIGHT NIGHT. I saw it when I was a wee eleven years old. It left an indelible impression. I’m not quite certain why – it was good, but not that good. Still, I remember most scenes clear as day even though I haven’t seen it in years and years. The latest issue of Rue Morgue has a nice cover story on the original (with some coverage of the remake). They interview Tom Holland, the original’s writer and director, and most of the cast. Ah, those old photos really bring me back.

(The original rocks. So does the remake.)

Anyway, the new movie is worth your time. They’ve added some interesting wrinkles to the vampire mythos and yes, Colin Farrel nails it. He definitely deserves the praise he’s been receiving in reviews. Chris Sarandon’s Jerry Dandridge was charming and fun (even while being evil). Farrel takes Sarandon’s character and adds in a little more pathos and menace. He gives the film real bite.

I give the whole endeavor two stakes up. Go see it on a Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday. Shake things up. Enjoy yourself, Loyal Reader. You have time to be busy later.

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Bellamy Brings It!

Posted in General, Raves on August 20, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Almost missed a day, Loyal Reader, but fear not, I’m back at the hizzy and am typing this blog up quick before hitting the hay. It’s 1:42 in the AM and I gotta get to bed.

Michelle let the Improv know how terrible Katt Williams was a few weeks back and they hooked us up with eight tickets to tonight’s Billy Bellamy show. We brought along some of the same friends we saw Williams with and a few new ones. My expectations were…well…nil. I’ve seen Bellamy for years as an MTV VJ and as a hosting type on various projects. He does a workman-like job, bringing enough charm and swagger to his MCing. I was mildly interested.

(Surprise! I’m funny!)

Turns out Bellamy and opener, J. Reid, are super funny stand-ups. Bits on life, love, and an awesome piece about an angry killer whale in captivity resonated well with the receptive crowd. That whale joke really is something. Bellamy bent his arms to form fins as he held his head high, snarled at his Sea World trainers, and wagged his tail in a hilarious strut up and down the rather small Improv stage. The comedy veered from absurdist to sublime (my table had a few bouts of doubling over), but it was always relatable and quite well-paced. Neither comedian over stayed their welcome, each performing nicely timed sets that got the crowd rolling, kept them smiling, and then set them loose upon the real world at a decent time (unlike the William’s debacle which dragged on to a painful, 2AM, end time).

(Me too!)

So then, thumbs up Bill and J. You guys tore it up. Your acts are diamond sharp and every bit as glitzy as blingy ice. I laughed loudly often and I’m happy to spread the word.

They’re playing the Ontario Improv for the rest of this weekend and as good as the show is, I don’t think they’ve managed to sell out a single night (which is a travesty – come on folks, support your local comedy club). The 10:00PM show we caught was well attended, but nowhere near capacity. There were way too many empty booths and tables round about the back of the venue. It’s a shame.

If you’ve got nothing going and you are close enough, order up some cheap tickets and check it out. Laughing can take you somewhere else. It eeks the best from life, physically gooses you with ticklish energy, and dazzles up the old brain with streaks of cheery color. It feels mighty good. Comedy shows are always like funny therapy. The comics revel in painful truths. They’re upbeat, but usually hide a dark underbelly of insecurity. The thing is, these guys walked the line perfectly, whereas I fear poor, old Katt Willians has fallen head first into the very same personal hell that most comedians perform to keep those pesky demons of self worth at bay.

Still, I had a blast ;-)!

Pleasant dreams, Loyal Reader.

Here’s Bellamy in action a number of years back. Not too shabby, but he’s been honing that set over the years and his new stuff is really on point.

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Mini-Game Madness

Posted in General, News, Raves on August 16, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

I like video games. Yeah, I’m old. Yeah, I should probably be doing other things with my time. Shoot me, I still love ’em.

My favorite type of games – deep, complex, long, action-adventure type stuff with RPG elements that usually utilize every single one of the standard gaming controller’s thirteen buttons – are draining. I play a lot less than I used to. Those over long adventures seem to take me a good six months to a year to finish as opposed to the two to three weeks it used to take me.

Lately, I’ve even been cheesing out and leaving games half done instead of beating them and moving on. It used to be one of my unspoken rules – always master the game you are working on before taking on a different title.

(This is my rifle, there are many like it, but this one is mine…)

I get a bit OCD about these things. I factor cost, and time spent playing, and trade-in values. I used to take advantage of Gamestop’s used game policy. You can return any used title you purchase within seven days and trade it for another title of equal or lesser value (so long as you keep the receipt). In my heyday, I could knock a game out in six to seven days and then return it for something else. That’s two games – if I pushed it – maybe three or four games for the price of one. Most Gamestop cashiers don’t care, but every once in a while a hardcase insinuates that they know what I am doing and that their return policy is not meant to be abused in such a fashion. Whatever. Anyway, I don’t geek out and play for a couple hours each day like I used to. I haven’t abused Gamestop in quite a while.

Which brings me to these damn mini-games. I scoffed at them in the past, thinking games designed for cellphones and iPads weren’t REAL games. Or, rather, they weren’t the type of games I’d ever consider playing. They’re too simple. They’re for monkeys and people who don’t really care for video games.

Well smack-a-baby, Loyal reader, I was wrong, wrong, wrong. These little gems, well the two I’ve been playing for the past few days – Angry Birds and Army of Darkness Defense – have been perfect for my lifestyle. Just because they’re simple doesn’t mean they are substandard. That they cost under five bucks (Angry Birds is $4.99, Army of Darkness Defense is free) rules.

(Simple. Addictive. It’s the new crack!)

The next time you see me dismissively blowing something off before I’ve even given it a chance please punch me in the arm. I’m hard headed and opinionated and sometimes I think my stuff doesn’t stink. But then, sometimes I am the stupidest idiot on the planet. These wonderful, little games have made a fool of me, but I am all the wiser. I get it now. Humbled, I eat my stubborn words and wonder how I got along all these years without a touchscreen slingshot or catapult. Oh, technology, I love you so!

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12 Seconds

Posted in Raves on August 15, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Loyal Reader, I am a happy man. I have found personal peace and deep, calming contentment at my core. I am rich. I am in love and sometimes even feel Tom Cruise crazy – like I want to jump on couches and scream my beloved’s name at the top of my lungs. My love is a wild ogre.

Today the beast feasts with us as my wife, Michelle, and I celebrate our 12th anniversary (wherein twelve years feels like 12 seconds).

All of that Romantic talk above? It’s all her. My girl has made me what I am today. She has taken care of me through rough times and we’ve enjoyed one another’s company throughout the good ones. I owe her everything and am super proud to call her my wife.

(From my heart beep to yours.)

We decided not to buy each other presents this year. Instead we are going to put the dough toward a tropical vacation sometime in the near future. Still, I gotta do a little something. So, these robots are just for you, Mrs. Calvillo. Happy Anniversary, to my lovely girl!

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Babyland!

Posted in General, Raves on August 14, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

My niece and nephews are crazy cute babies. The eldest, my niece, is a few days shy of three years old. Her twin brothers, one, my godson, the other, my wife’s godson, are just over one year old. Independently, they drive you batty with their cuteness. As a group they are cuddly chaos.

Forgive me, Loyal Reader, for this ultra-short post, but family is visiting from out of town and my time is limited. We’ll regroup tomorrow…

Here’s my godson. Try not to melt…

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Beware Those Angry Birds!

Posted in Books, General, Movies, Raves on August 13, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

It’s my new obsession! Holy crap, Loyal Reader, have you played this thing? It’s ridiculously fun. The object is to kill the egg stealing pigs by dive bombing kamikaze birds into their forts of wood, glass, rock, and the occasional TNT box. You sick your birds on the pigs by launching them in a touch-sensitive slingshot. Just put some pressure, pull, angle, then fire!

(Weapons of Mass Destruction)

That’s all there is to it. I didn’t expect the simple mechanic to hook me the way it did. I played for over an hour and plan on playing some more sometime soon. It’s my new Tetris. Go figure. I see ANGRY BIRDS T-shirts at school. It’s gotten that big. If you haven’t already, take a minute to give it a shot. It’s a must have for your iPad (or phone).

Also, FINAL DESTINATION 5 3D was a blast. It was damn expensive ($14.50 each), but it was worth it. The movie won’t work on DVD or cable – it’s standard entry fare with the same plot and the same unknowns acting the best they can with the material they’re given. The 3D enlivens the schlock factor. A schlock movie like FD5 or PIRANHA 3D deserves schlock 3D. It makes the movie more fun than it is.

Ranking them, FD5 comes in third, behind FD2 and the original film, but before FD4 and the godawful FD3 (the rollercoaster scene should have been much, much cooler). Nice direction and creative death sequences make FD5 3D worth checking out.

(I LOVE schlock! Yum! Yum!)

Also, if they make an FD6, I’m there. I think the series still has legs. They can do a few more, hire interesting directors, tweak the plot a bit, keep them short and zippy, make them entertaining. From bird slingshots to death’s due, we’re a pretty easy audience.

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Dream School

Posted in Raves on August 10, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

I envision no attitude. Can you even imagine it? Oh, Loyal Reader, especially those old enough to understand, can you possibly fathom a world where teenagers are polite, respectful, and eager for wisdom. They need some of that wonder drug from the ape movie. Although, now that I think about it, a burst in intelligence wouldn’t necessarily set them straight. There are tons of intelligent idiots walking the earth. Just because you’re smart doesn’t mean you’re humble, so no gas, no magic serum. It might help, but then it might not, it might even make things worse. It’s not worth the risk. If only a giant hand would drop down from the heavens and smack one of them every time they were rude. Ah, to dream…

(Perchance to dream…)

Okay, okay, today wasn’t so bad. The kids were actually pretty good. My job is super weird (unless you teach, then it’s completely normal). I stand in front of thirty-six adolescent aliens and try to direct our energies so that the class moves along smoothly and nobody has a freak out. I hang with kids all day long. They’re mostly unstable. It’s draining and I am dead tired, my dogs are barking, I plan on falling asleep around 10:30PM (which is horrible – I am a Night Person – I like to stay up late – I hate to get up early) and then waking up at 5:45AM. Then doing it all over again tomorrow.

As rough as talking all day long is on the human psyche and physical body (cancer gets me down a bit), I love every second. As rude as teens can be, they can be equally sweet. They’re charming, little, almost-adults trying to find their way and grow into personalities that are still way too big for their spongy brains. Throughout the year I get to know about 150 fourteen year olds. They are all so different. Some kids are dynamic as all get out. Others are shy. Some are cocky, some are strong, a few are sullen. Some of them blow me away with the stuff they say. Getting to know them is a blast.

(I like the whole teacher / apple thing. Apples are delicious.)

Good night, Loyal Reader. Here’s to tomorrow, wherein Mr. Calvillo will begin intense instruction and get back to work capturing imaginations (and get extra tired in doing so).

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Apes Of Wrath

Posted in Books, General, Movies, News, Raves on August 9, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

First off, RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES rocks! It’s dumb as a box of rocks, but it moves swift, has heart, and the CGI looks wonderful. Not much else to say here. If you’ve seen the previews you’ve pretty much seen the movie. Also, the title kind of says it all.

Regardless, the film is fun and definitely worth a look (those sharply animated apes are awesome to behold – same for the carnage in their last act rampage).

(Revolution is no barrel of monkeys!)

What else?

Well, Loyal Reader, it just happens to be my name day! Yep! I’m thirty-seven years young (though I don’t feel a day over twenty-two). My lovely family spoiled me with new books (Jay-Z’s DECODED and Chuck Klosterman’s THE VISIBLE MAN), and ice cream cake, and dinner (PF Chang’s) and that ape movie. Awesome.

Talk about feeling special. Not only did my wife and daughter spoil me rotten, my Facebook friends came out in droves with birthday wishes. Pretty cool, huh? Life is good.

I really, really want to comment on each post, but I’ve gotten over two hundred sentiments and after personally thanking half of them, well, unless I want to spend ALL NIGHT responding, I had no choice but to let it go. I’ll definitely be sending out a mass thank you message (which I intend to do as soon as I’m finished here). Thank you, thank you, thank you Facebookers! I appreciate you taking the time to stop by my wall.

(Yikes! How cool is that?)

Well, tomorrow is officially the first day of school. The kids will be out en mass. I’m excited, and a little nervous, and even though it’s my birthday, I need to blow out these candles and turn in early so I’m well rested for the big day. This party animal is getting too old. But that’s A-okay. Being thirty-something rules!

Nighty-night!

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School Daze

Posted in General, News, Raves on August 8, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Back to the grind, Loyal Reader. Except, lucky, lucky, lucky Me, my job is anything but a grind. Teaching high school English is way too much fun. True, it can be frustrating. Kids – my primary clients – are often times certifiable. They can really work you over. Working with a pack of crazies (who like to gang up on you in their illogical arguments) can be dangerous. You have stay one step ahead. Jedi skills help. Mind tricks, reverse psychology, stone cold stares (that’s a fun one), feigning madness, cultivating and shaping unease – the list goes on and on. The tactics are endless. The key is to employ them while holding on to your sanity and not letting teen idiocy get to you. It’s all about having fun with it. Wisdom bests raw youth every time. Oh, and remember, you are in control.

Which absolutely rules.

When are we ever in control?

Your classroom. Your rules. Your spin on the curriculum. It’s mighty empowering.

(I work right here.)

Anyways, today, my fellow teachers and the staff of my high school returned from summer vacation for the first workday of the school year. The kids don’t show up until Wednesday, so we have morning meetings and then we get the rest of the day to prepare our classrooms for the impending onslaught of smelly teens. So then, after a little red tape it’s off to our rooms (or, should your room be all ready to go, it’s off to wherever you desire – control, baby – yep!).

Look, I’ve worked retail, and waited tables, and then after college I dove head first into a business marketing career, and I’ve gotta say, compared to what I do now, these jobs sucked big time. Meeting up with a crew of teachers after two months of restful vacation feels good. It’s just like back in the day when we were kids re-convening for the first day of school. Hugs and handshakes abound. Sure, we all wish we had another month to sleep in and live each day as if it were a Saturday, but hell! We’ve all just had two months off. Two months!

Working marketing or retail, I was lucky if I got two weeks vacation time. And worse, while away, the work continued to pile up. It’s nice how we all go away and then come back and everything just sort of resets. It’s the same with Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Spring breaks. We complain, but alas, we jest. The majority of us (there are a few burn outs in every bunch) know how lucky we are. We appreciate the time off and are anxious to be back. Most of us actually miss the kids and look forward to guiding them through the year.

Quick break! Check out some inspirational teacher talk from a poetry slam champ…

Jealous? Of course you are, but don’t fret. Did I mention we have to get up at the butt crack of dawn? Or how about having a bad day? Nothing makes a crappy day worse than obnoxious hordes of teenagers getting on your nerves.

Pros and cons aside, walking those high school hallways always feels a bit surreal. An odd nostalgia tugs at the heartstrings.

It’s weird spending my youth on one side of the fence and living my adulthood on the other. Knowing what I know, seeing how things work on the other side of the curtain, I can’t help but to smile. Man, I was sooo stupid as a teen! The small army of teachers, administrators, principals, and custodians, and lunch ladies, running the institution are regular folks that cuss, and slack, and goof off just like the kids they’re trying to whip into shape. Some are cool. Some are dorks. Some are good. Some are evil.

(Control, good sir, control.)

Not that the students seem to care. Sometimes it feels like they don’t see us as people. We’re Authority Figures. Automatons. Shells. Self absorption (the most evil of all teenage shortcomings) strips us of our humanity. This is a bit much for some (statistical evidence suggests that most teachers move on to something else – be it administration or a different field all together – within four years time). They freak out and forget that kids are kids. They forget to take a deep breath, flex their thick skin, embrace patience, and draw understanding from deep within. Successful teachers need limitless amounts of intestinal fortitude.

I love this song, Loyal Reader. All hail mid 80s Van Halen!