Death Of A Glam God

Posted in General, Music, Rants, Raves on August 29, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Warrant’s lead singer, Jani Lane, died a few weeks back at the age of 47. Of what? Not sure, but I saw a few news briefs on Facebook and across the web and felt a tinge of sorrow. I have no emotional / musical connection to Warrant, or Jani Lane. In fact, when Warrant was at the height of their success in the late eighties / early nineties, if you asked me what I thought of them (the band or the singer), I was likely to sneer or scoff.

Glam metal was by far the uncoolest music on the planet. I was way into the Pixies and Skinny Puppy and a slew of artsy-fartsy noise rockers. Warrant played the kind of music that pissed me off. It was sugary, over-produced, pop-rock trying to affect edge with metal guitar and lots of hairspray. The preening made me nauseous.

 

  
(So you’re fifteen. Who do you listen to?)

Fast forward a good five years. The angry young man that used to raise the bird to glam metal, and pop, and dance, and commercial rap, had officially grown up. Suddenly, music, ALL music (well…most music), had a degree of validity. I wasn’t going to go out and buy the latest C&C Music Factory album, but then, I began to understand that sometimes music is just…fun.

It didn’t have to be socially aware or mean something. It didn’t have to be a part of a particular movement or scene. I learned to appreciate a funky radio single here, or a tight, club hit there. I loosened up. I got dancing. I stopped being a judgemental douche bag.

(A quick note of advice to any of my close-minded students who may be reading this – as the strutting ladies of En Vogue tried to tell me all those years ago – free your mind and the rest will follow). Indeed.

 


(Hey, Stupid! Grow up! Your exclusionary ways are crippling your artistic potential!)

Anyway, nowadays, it doesn’t matter if something is punk, or funk, or pop, or rap, or metal, or be-bop-fusion-swing. Good music is good music. Good songwriting is good songwriting. If you think otherwise (now, I’m talking to you close-minded adults), you’re missing out on one of the great pleasures of life. Man, oh, man, how I love it when my iPod shuffles from 50 Cent, to Fiona Apple, to Lionel Richie, to The Black Dahlia Murder. The more diverse the better!

So it goes with Mr. Jani Lane. Warrant meant nothing to me back in the day, and still doesn’t mean much to me now, but the man wrote, Heaven, a perfect little rock ballad if there ever was one, and his passing deserves to be mourned.

That particular song really is beautiful. The rest of Lane’s output? Meh.

Cherry Pie is kind of fun, but it’s also super stupid. Should it shuffle its way into my 8000 song mega-mix, I may listen to a minute or two, but more than likely it’ll get a skip. Heaven on the other hand? I’ll listen to it, intently, from beginning to end. The verses are hum-a-liciously melodic and that chorus soars. I prefer the stripped down acoustic version – the original studio recording is way over done, the glitzy, glam rock production muddles things a bit. Still, either rendition is a keeper in my book.

A quick aside – ROCK OF AGES, one of the best Broadway shows ever (if you haven’t seen it, get yourself to Times Square and check it out), uses Lane’s Heaven to great effect (mashing it up with Extreme’s gem, More Than Words, and Mr. Big’s equally awesome, To Be With You). The song serves as the play’s coda of sorts, ending and linking certain scenes as our hero, a struggling musician named Drew, tries to work out the arrangement to the perfect, hit song. The play has some fun with the lyrics, but keeps those wonderful melodies intact.

 


(Go see this NOW!)

 

So then, R.I.P Mr. Lane. Thank you for the great song. Sorry, it took me a while to come around.

‘I don’t need to be the king of the world, as long as I’m the hero of this little girl…’

Perfect. Just perfect.

 

Here’s a decent version. I have trouble watching the band and Lane (all of that hairspray and preening), but the song is still damn good…

Ready For Some Reading? It’s Sneak Preview Sunday!

Posted in Books, General, News on August 28, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Hi all. It’s been a wonderful, lazy Sunday. I slept in until about 1 in the afternoon then watched BACK TO THE FUTURE PART II, ROCK AND ROLL FANTASY CAMP, and THAT METAL SHOW on VH1 Classic, then played ARMY OF DARKNESS DEFENSE for a bit (I’m on WAVE 50, so I’m about done), then enjoyed an awesome dinner courtesy of my awesome cook of an awesome wife. Awesome.


(Yes, this guy is a total douche, but he makes for some good TV.)

Next up, we’re cleaning out our DVR (I’ve got a few episodes of JERSEY SHORE piling up on us).

But what about your blog? Thanks for asking, Loyal Reader! And thank you for taking the time to visit my site and for sifting through my posts!

I figure Sunday is as good a day as any to start running some writing excerpts. I know you read blogs because A.) it’s interesting to hear what’s going on, and B.) everyone loves a little social commentary. Non-fiction outsells fiction by some stupendous margin (which irks this fiction writer to no end) so it makes sense that folks dig blogs like they dig magazines, and the nightly news, and bite-sized bits of sensationalism.

Cool. Whatever. (He says as he hangs his head and mopes for the great novels of the world).

Anyway, why not use my blog to flip the script and offer up some solid fiction? Cool, huh?

Okay then, if you got the time here’s the first chapter from my upcoming novel BIRDBOX. Read it now, later, whenever (you can always search old posts and bring it back around should you desire). Love it. Hate it. Share it. Use it as a tool for the soon-to-be heavily promoted book.

My publisher commissioned a killer cover by the incredible Frank Walls, but I’m keeping it under wraps until we get closer to the launch. It’s a real winner and I can’t wait to share it (it’s definitely one of my favorites), but hopefully the suspense does what it’s supposed to do and gets you all tense and excited. The moment I get a definitive release date, I’ll show the sucker off. Pinky-swear promise.


(I may not be able to show you the BIRDBOX cover yet, but you can sneak a peek in my shiny, new promo magnet. Hint: check the last slice of artwork.)

Here’s a quick set up…

BIRDBOX is about the Garcia children, four feisty siblings aged from seven to sixteen, and their perilous, often messy battle with an ancient blood witch. There’s much, much more going on, but we’ll save the juicy details for the book launch.

Without further adieu, I am proud to present BIRDBOX – Chapter One: The Gift of Flight. Hope you enjoy it. Be sure to let me know what you think. Night, Loyal Reader. Happy reading.

***

1

The Gift of Flight

Little Isabella Marisol Garcia didn’t want to play hide-and-seek with her loud-mouthed brothers, but then she didn’t want to be left alone in the creepy old house either. She was only seven years and three months old and to her chagrin didn’t know how to properly express herself.

If she started crying, her brothers, especially Manny, would make fun of her (and call her a crybaby). If she said she wanted to go home, they would make fun of her (and call her a crybaby). If she said she didn’t want to play, they’d make fun of her (and call her a crybaby). But, if she agreed to play, and had to actually go off and hide somewhere, on her own, she’d be left all alone same as if she refused to play. So, she kept quiet and tried to follow Esteban’s overly complicated rules while her brain nagged and secretly wished she never tagged along in the first place.

“Stupid!” Oscar moaned. “It’s not that hard! We just run and hide and your dumbass tries to find us!”

Oscar was the eldest. At fifteen, he knew EVERYTHING (or at least he thought he knew everything). He wasn’t the least bit happy about hanging out with his siblings, but his friends weren’t around and he had nothing better to do. He browbeat Esteban (thirteen years old going on fifty), ridiculing his complex instructions until the nerdy over-thinker threw his hands up and shouted, “Fine! Just hide!” and then grumbled, “Fucking boring,” under his breath.

Isabella gasped and pinched Esteban’s arm.

“Sorry, Izzy.” He pushed his glasses against the bridge of his nose and looked down at his feet.

Manny, the twelve-year-old terror, an expert at cursing himself, capitalized upon Esteban’s slip and began jumping around. He teased, “I’m a tell Mama! You said the F word! You said it!”

Esteban flipped him off and then Manny got him in a headlock and then Oscar jumped in, and just like that, the three boys began wrestling around like wild animals (as Mama often called them).

Isabella crossed her arms and tapped her little feet and waited for the idiocy to cease. Stupid boys, was all she could think, but then she chastised herself for thinking such an ugly word like Stupid. It wasn’t really a curse, not like the F word or the S word, but her Mama and Papa still disapproved. They were adamant – young ladies were too sweet to talk like thugs.

While the boys scuffled, she glanced around the dilapidated house. It was a huge place, two stories with a basement below them and a little attic that sat up top almost like a third story. Isabella daydreamed that if the house were new and pretty like it surely once was, the attic would be her room. She’d paint it bright pink and decorate it just how she liked – Hello Kitty everywhere and dolphins, lots of dolphins – which would be worlds better than the small, white room she currently inhabited. It was too plain. Her Mama kept promising her that she’d help her fix it up, but she was always too busy. Worse, it was situated right next to Oscar’s room and he liked to listen to his ugly, rap music way too loud.

It would be nice to be on top for a change, to be above the noise and stink of three older brothers. But then, while she mulled it over, even if the house were new and pretty and her parents had enough money to buy it and they offered her the attic to beautify as she saw fit, she didn’t think she would take it. She didn’t think she would be able to live there no matter how new and pretty it could be or ever was. And while it didn’t seem particularly scary now, just dusty, and old, and gross – there were stories, horrible, evil stories that drove her brain frantic with fear.

Currently, her defenses were up, trying to drive her thoughts in every other direction but down into the dark recesses of her over active imagination.

They passed the old house everyday on their way to school and everyday her brothers would point out the windows of their mini-van and ask their Mama to tell them the ghost stories. Most mornings, unless Mama was tired or grumpy or mad at Oscar for being a teenager, or Manny for being a spaz, or at Papa for getting to take the Lexus to work while she had to drive the van, she lowered her voice and told them about the
Mendoza murders and how a mom went psycho and killed her husband and three children with a razor sharp axe.

Psycho?!

Murders?!

Dead kids?!

Isabella didn’t want to listen, and by the second and third and fourth time her Mama told it, she plugged her ears and quietly hummed the Sponge Bob Square Pants theme song. But then she had already heard it once and it was too late. The gargantuan house, sitting all alone in a weedy field, abandoned, half a mile from the housing development where they lived in beautiful Chino Hills, California, gave little Isabella Marisol Garcia a fearsome case of the heebie jeebies.

If she’d known that her brothers were going to make the trek to snoop it out, she would have never bugged her Mama to make them take her along. She would have been fine staying in and playing Candy Land (by herself even). But here she was, too late to back out or do anything about it (except rat on them when they got back home).

Inside, the house was every bit as dusty and as broken down as it was on the outside. Everything creaked and gave off dirt clouds that glittered (prettily, not creepy) like gold flakes in the shafts of light pouring in from broken windows and random breaks in the decaying structure.

Insects scuttled and birds chirped in the rafters. Isabella tried to keep her thoughts random – no focus – no fear – her ugly bedroom, her stupid brothers, her teacher, her favorite show – but the bird noises grounded her and she mistook their din for murderous ghosts. Cold chills tingled in her temples and tears threatened.

Esteban disentangled himself from the fray and noticed her distress. He straightened his glasses and asked, “Are you okay?”

Isabella shook her head no and fought against mounting sobs. She couldn’t let them see her breakdown. She’d never hear the end of it.

Manny jumped up from the floor. “She’s gonna cry!” he taunted.

Oscar socked him in the leg and he went back down clutching his thigh. “She’s not gonna cry. She’s fine. Right, Izzy?” Her oldest brother gave her a reassuring look.

Isabella shook her head and blinked fast. A solitary teardrop escaped and ran the length of her left cheek in a glistening trail.

“See!” Manny grunted from the ground. “She’s chicken!” He began making clucking sounds and rolling around on the dirty, cracked, marbled floor.

“No, I’m not!” Isabella screamed and ran for the decrepit stairway. She’d show them. She’d hide and they’d never find her and when they started to freak out (Mama would kill them if they lost her) she’d jump out and call them a bunch of dumb crybabies.

The distressed wood creaked beneath her feet. Oscar pushed his brothers off and got serious. He yelled, “Izzy!” just like Papa did when he was mad.

Isabella stopped halfway. She clutched the wobbly, wooden, metal banister and glared at her brothers. Though Oscar sounded like Papa and he had the same eyes, he wasn’t Papa and even though he was in charge he couldn’t tell her what to do, so she stuck out her tongue and ran up the remaining steps. All of her brothers yelled now, but she ignored them and ran into the first room to her right.

There was no door, just a splintered casing. The rest of the room was as unmade. There was a window frame, but no window, a master bathroom with a broken tub, a walk-in closet with no door, and running the length of the entire room, spanning the bedroom and bathroom, there were great swaths of torn carpet, battlefields of broken tile and great, gaping sections of missing floorboards. Isabella leapt a few of the voids, ran through the bathroom, and then hunkered down in the back of the large walk-in closet.

She screamed, “COME FIND ME, CHICKENS!” at the top of her lungs.

Satisfied with her impulsive bravery and her even braver challenge, she sat on her bottom in a corner of the dusty closet. Plenty of light poured in through the door jamb and the little window set high against the far wall, but the corners of the closet, the one she hid in and the ones opposite her were lost to deep shadow.

Isabella wiped at the thin layer of sweat slicking her forehead and worked at slowing her breath. The surrounding dark didn’t help. Her thoughts jumped to her Mama’s story about the crazy Mendoza woman and her blood spattered axe.

The story went she murdered her entire family while they slept, hacking them to chunky bits in their own beds and then mixing all of their parts into a gory pile in the middle of the kitchen. The deranged woman ate from the pile, making sandwiches out of her dismembered
loved ones, until her husband’s work and her children’s school notified the police. Rumor had it she chopped them up so thoroughly that it took the police a full week to identify who was who.

Or so her Mama said. The glint in her eyes and the smile threatening to derail her scary tone made Isabella think
she was fibbing for fun, trying to scare them into nightmares so when the story resurfaced and struck in the middle of the night (as such stories tended to), they’d rush from their beds and curl up alongside her and Papa (it worked).

Breathing deeply, she prepared to get up and find another hiding spot, one with less shadows, when something in the opposite corner moved. Her labored breathing caught in her throat and her heart leapt into her chest. Intense fear widened
her eyes.

The unseen Thing made a shuffling sound like nails scratching wood, like an axe scraping across floorboards.

Isabella made a high pitched, whining sound and pulled her knees close to her chest. The Shuffling Thing shuffled some more and then hopped from the darkened corner on a pair of thin, leathery, three toed feet. Her whining scream hiccupped and then broke into a squeal of delight. “Birdie!” She giggled and clapped her hands.

The bird was big, a raven or a crow, whichever of the two was larger, with a broad, silky black chest and a massive, crushing beak. Had Isabella not been seven, maybe a teenager, or better acquainted with true fear, the bird’s beady, soulless, black eyes (and that sharp, sharp, sharp beak) might have terrified her. As it stood, she continued to wave her hands and repeat, “Birdie,” three more times, soft clapping and whispering as not to frighten the majestic creature. It was standing right next to a large hole in the floor and Isabella feared if she startled it, it might fall in.

The bird dropped its head and cawed. Isabella put her hands over her mouth and muffled a laugh. It hopped closer. She crawled toward it and put her hand out to pet its head. The raven cawed again and with sudden speed lunged forward. It drove its piercing beak into her outstretched hand and broke the skin of her left palm. Isabella pulled her hand back in shock.

Good will drained and true fear took dominion. The big bird became every bit as frightening as the monsters or the sharks or the horrors that sometimes whispered her name and gnashed their teeth under her bed. She screamed and scooted in reverse until her back hit the wall. She got a look at the blood welling from her hand and her surprised scream catapulted into a howl.

The bird hopped in place and danced its beak up and down. Isabella flailed and whimpered. Rivers of blood ran her palm, splashing the grimy floorboards and running streams down her forearm. She screamed and kicked out, trying to shoo the bird away, but it held its ground and regarded her with jerky movement, its beak shining darkly with her blood.

Nightmare stuff gathered in her brain. Isabella clutched her bleeding palm and jumped to her feet. She ran from the closet, dodging the broken tiles in the master bathroom and vaulting the missing floorboards in the bedroom. She reached the stairs in two seconds flat. Leaning on the railing, holding her throbbing hand close to her body, she descended a step. Her brothers were still arguing in the house’s dilapidated foyer. They looked up at the same time, three pairs of eyes going wide, three voices rising to implore their little sister to, “STOP!”

Isabella took another step. The railing crumbled. Dry rot puffed to dust and the worn wood creaked and shifted on its swaying, wrought iron supports. She leaned with the collapsing banister and tried to pivot back at the last second, but the forward momentum was too great. Her sixty pound frame teetered for a breathless second and then fell.

She dropped through the musty air head first. There was no time for thought. The word, “Mama,” breached her lips as her skull rushed toward the ruined marble of the entryway.

Gritting her teeth and closing her eyes, Isabella expected pain, or instant death, or a swirling crown of stars like in the ancient cartoons her mom tried to get her to watch. Instead, her head slammed against something soft.

The soft thing dipped like a shock absorber and the rest of Isabella’s body fell against it, feet first, perpendicular
to horizontal, so that she was lying on her stomach.

Whatever caught her, bounced a few times and then rose into the air. She opened her eyes to a sea of brown and tan and flecks of frenetic black and white. Wild smells, like her dog Coco, filthy from living outside, scrunched her nose. Feathers pushed between her lips and forced a few involuntary Phhffts!

Feathers?

She rolled over. The splintered, hole-riddled ceiling of the Mendoza Murder House rushed toward her. She put her hands palms down and ran them over the soft thing launching her toward the roof.

Feathers?

Her ears honed in on a barrage of incessant chirping. The rapid ascent arrested inches from the ceiling and the soft thing beneath her dropped a little. Isabella’s stomach went with it, but then evened out and hovered unsteadily. She turned her head to the left and then
to the right.

Birds?

She was floating on a blanket of fast flapping birds.

Hundreds upon hundreds of them.

Hobo With A Heart Of Gold

Posted in Movies, Raves on August 28, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Okay, Party People, it’s Saturday night and I still owe you a blog. I’m ready to kick off these shoes and chill – we’ve been visiting friends (a cool baby shower) and family (my bro-in-law and his lovely brood), traversing the Inland Empire from Rancho Cucamonga to Hemet, then back to the good, old homestead, and I am nearing beat (though I still got a few hours of mindless TV in me).

How about I give you a little something cool and then call it a night?

Deal?

Good.

So then, last weekend, after squirming through the awful CONAN, Michelle and I had to do something to cleanse our eyeballs. We fired up Netflix and decided on HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN. I wasn’t expecting much. The title says it all, and, well, frankly, it doesn’t really do it for me. But I like Rutger Hauer, and hobos, and shotguns, so what the hay, we went ahead and gave it a shot.

Well, the movie isn’t much more than a ninety minute gimmick, but it moves swiftly, has a great performance by Hauer (and a trio of excellent baddies), and is wild enough to warrant your attention. Jason Eisner, the film’s director (and winner of a Grindhouse trailer competition), is the real deal. He takes a miniscule budget and gives us some pretty incredible, dark entertainment. The film is highly stylized and hyper-violent (two wonderful things in my book). Bikini girls dance in fountains of blood, chaos runs rampant, and the grime encrusted locale at it’s evil center, Scum City, is appropriately scummy.


(Go hobo, go hobo, go!)

Hauer’s Hobo, a well meaning homeless man trying to earn enough money to buy a lawnmower so he can make a decent living, is affecting despite the silly concept. When he’s had enough and decides to clean up the foul city, spending his hard earned cash on a shotgun instead of his dream mower, I actual felt a sense of…I don’t know…sorrow…and…satisfaction.

Eisner does such an excellent job of creating a city gone mad, you can’t wait for the title hobo to acquire his title shotgun and blast vengeance upon the disgusting citizenry.

The film actually reminds me of something Troma would have put out in the mid 80s, but done much, much better. Imagine a nasty, little exploitation film with nice production values and a punky streak of artistic integrity. Things look cheesy because Eisner wants them to and not the other way around. It’s gratuitous, and ridiculous, and in one of my favorite scenes, brave enough to torch a school bus full of children (awesome). I’m happy to report, Hobo has the goods.

Highly recommended.

Okay, Loyal Reader, I’m tired. Have a good one. Oh, and be sure to check out HOBO when you get the chance, you’ll have a blast.

Here’s the trailer…

It’s Getting Hot In Here

Posted in General, Music, News on August 26, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Living in Southern California, about ninety minutes inland from the coast, things get hot. While those poor folks in the East are braving hurricane Irene’s wrath, we are melting here in good, old Lake Elsinore. Luckily, I work in an air-conditioned classroom and I only feel the heat on my way home from work (school lets out at 2:30 – the walk to the car is almost unbearable), but, my oh my, the little I have to tolerate is still too much.


(I feel ya, my man.)

The heat is so bad, school activites like PE and sports have been cancelled. Last night we were hit with a rolling blackout and lost power for about twenty minutes. Fall cannot get here soon enough!

Look at us, Loyal Reader! Talking about the weather like old people with nothing left to talk about.

Hmmm… This blogging everyday certainly is a challenge… Alas, I aim to please! Did you know that in addition to husbanding, fathering, teaching, writing, gaming, guitaring, and, well, blogging, I also rap?

I do it for my students to crack them up, but, not to inflate my already over-inflated ego, I’m damn good. Years and years of listening to the masters (Snoop, Eminem, Lil Wayne, etc…) has paid off. After a nice, rousing rhyme, my students cheer wildly and my head fills to bursting.

Wanna read one?

Bear in mind I have to keep it clean (I’m writing these things for the kiddies). Get me on a mic at a house party (with my adult friends) and things are bound to get profane. Another time, another place.

Anyway, reading these rhymes are not nearly as fun as watching a sweaty, wheezing, 37 year old, bearded man try to affect hipness. The beats I flow over help tremendously (a few of which I actully put together myself in ACID and FRUITY LOOPS – the rest are stolen from the army of free rap beat sites proliferating the web). Here’s the one I did today.

Check the beat I use right here.

Here’s that silly rhyme (with some outdated references). It’s called…

 

MC CAN’T RAP

MC can’t wrap like an elf with no hands
MC can’t rap but he thinks he can
MC can’t wrap like a film over budget
MC can’t rap but he loves it, he does it

I roll fly words off my tongue / out my lungs / my brain puffs up / bee stung / number one / trying to convict but the juries always hung / some think I lose / but I reach the highest rung.

MC can’t wrap like an elf with no hands
MC can’t rap but he thinks he can
MC can’t wrap like a film over budget
MC can’t rap but he loves it, he does it

Like Weezy / I cheezy / rhymes like dynamite blow up the hizzy / is MC the bomb? / for sheeezy / look all you want / you’ll never see me / I’m a lover not a fighter / a lion not a tiger / okay maybe a tiger as drawn by H.R. Giger / thoughts erupting like a volcanic geyser / I’m rich / a miser / keep my bank all the wiser / I’m the worst white rapper / hairy not dapper / an Italian-Mexican disaster / on the grind to get it faster / hard like plaster / unhappily ever after.

MC can’t wrap like an elf with no hands
MC can’t rap but he thinks he can
MC can’t wrap like a film over budget
MC can’t rap but he loves it, he does it

MC can’t wrap like a beast with all thumbs
MC can’t rap but he’s number one
MC can’t wrap he lacks precision
MC can’t rap, his rhymes crash like collisions

MC can’t wrap his beats are wack
MC can’t rap but his metaphors slack
MC can’t wrap he don’t know how
MC can’t rap but watch me now…

Like Wayne you’ll need a ladder that goes on forever / plus an air hose and some rope and a super long tether / you’ll need a spaceship and a time rip and some really nice weather / to get to me if you can get it together / I’m a blowtorch, burning out the ozone / oh no / unknown / I’m flyer than a no fly zone / got more stupid lines / more stupid rhymes / not enough time / smashing up your funny bone / in pieces on the floor / begging me for more / name’s MC the rap super store / off to war / call of duty 4 / this gaming is a chore / when I’m kicking down doors / but I got no friends / the fun it must end / my mind it must bend / no skills to defend / I wish I had four arms so I could co-op it myself / wish I had twenty fingers and infinte health / the rap beast creep like an infinite dream / an ocean of visions / MC the king / MC the tyrant / MC the specter / MC blow the lid off your rap detector!

Well? Whadda you think?

Obviously I have way too much time on my hands (not really – it takes me about an hour to knock one of these things out). I currently have fifty-six complete rhymes. I perform one each Friday during the last five minutes of class. Each year I add a few new ones to my ever-growing arsenal. As long as my students dig it, I’ll keep at it. I let them film me with their camera phones so I wouldn’t be surprised if I pop up on YouTube as Rapping Teacher or something (there are lots of them, but I am definitely the best – holla!).

 


(My idols.)

Fun, fun, fun.

Ever since I was a wee lad, I’ve been into the idea of performance. It’s kind of cool having a captive audience of goofy teens. I can act a fool and get my groove on whenever the mood strikes.

Stay cool, Loyal Reader. This heat can’t last forever…

 

 

Speaking of performance…Here I am reading my story LIGHTNING APEMAN OF THE NEW HOLLYWOOD at WHC in Brighton, England. Yes, I’m hyper and fast and trying to squeeze 6000 words into 20 minutes of reading time. FYI, the video is in several parts.

Brain Mush

Posted in Books, General on August 25, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

I began an editing marathon session. I started reading at 7:30 and kept at it. I taught and got the kids working on vocabulary, graded a few errant papers (I kick so much butt!!! Yesterday, I graded EVERY LITTLE THING) and then got to work reading, changing things, rearranging sentences, and moving zillions of commas, occasionally surprising my self with a cool passage I forgot I wrote. Conversely, the opposite happens and I find horrible, horrible mistakes and awkward, rambling sections that need to be trimmed. I’m keeping stuff lean – know what I mean?

The manuscript I’m currently working on is a joy. I love the editing, second / third draft stage, more than any other part of the writing process. I’ve done all the hard work. Now it’s time to gussy things up. There’s a puzzle like quality to building sentences and forming paragraphs that build into chapters. As a lover of language, I LOVE this very much.

I should really use all of this in Part III to my WORM deconstructed series.

And I will.

In any case, this particular manuscript is called, HYPNOTIC. It’s a hiphop horror novel (yep!) and as much as I hate tooting my own horn (yep!), I dig it. There are some cool characters, high drama! mega-famous rappers! fierce rhymes! and lots of frenzied savagery! It’s glitzy and wild and I had so much fun writing it. Most of it came real easy. There were a few sections that took some straightening out. I wrote a friend’s alter ego into the narrative. Rex Steel. He’s the man. I love the gangsta so much I fleshed him out and threw him into the mix. He’s an anti-hero. He has beef with the protags. I’m super happy with the way he came out. He’s darkly humorous. Oh and he has the greatest rhymes. Check it!


(Roll with Rex!)

The book is 312 pages and I took care of about 260 of them today. I might finish tonight or maybe tomorrow. Then I have to write a certain publisher and apologize for being so late. I told him I’d have the book to him weeks ago, but I’ve been so busy and I haven’t had a chance to get on a real edit until this morning. I’m happy I rocked it, knocking over two thirds of it out. Yay! Talk about productive. As soon as I am done with this hiphop project, I have a short story awaiting it’s final coat of paint before I send it on to one of three or four anthologies I plan on submitting to in the every near future (in other words – I have to hurry the heck up!). Fingers crossed I place this stuff.


(What’s up, homie?)

It’s unfortunate, Loyal Reader. You know? There simply aren’t enough hours in the day. Teaching is wonderful work, but this getting up early stuff? Ugh. I am a night owl. I’d love to stay up, watch TV and work on the old computer, until two, maybe even three in the morning. I’d like to get up around nine-thirty and get to work by ten or so. That would make life almost near perfect.

Rap on!

Shake your butt to this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRifZDcZ8bw

Dr. Yamaguchi & The Beagle Of Doom!

Posted in General on August 24, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Tomorrow, my beagle goes under the knife. She is as oblivious about it as she is about most things, but my wife worries enough for the both of them. I think there’s nothing to fret about, she’ll be fine. These veterinarians know their stuff.

 


(Tutored! Ha!)

What an interesting choice. To want to be a veterinarian and actually do everything required to become one! Animal doctors have my utmost admiration. Our doctor in particular, Dr. Yamaguchi, is totally awesome. He isn’t that nice to me. In fact, he’s kind of cold. We have very serious interactions solely about whatever pet is in peril. He isn’t the warmest guy – but here’s the kicker – when it comes to animals? The man’s serene face lights up when my dog (who licks her butt often) kisses him. His stolid demeanor melts. He Coos and Caws and loves my dog as if it were his own. That’s totally awesome, right?

This beagle (okay, I’ll stop being so formal – her name is Lola) is sort of a mixed bag in my book, Loyal Reader. First off, she is super cute. That’s a beagle’s secret weapon. They care about food and rooting out lizards and you (if you happen to be holding food or a lizard) but that’s about it. They’re rude, selfish, and slavishly demanding. Lola is all these things and more, but still, like rubes (beagle owners) we indulge her. She bats her eyes and inadvertently jiggles her fat stomach (the other night she couldn’t even roll from her back to her belly! My girl and I were doubled over with laughter watching her squirm). Curses! Damn hounds! We are completely hopeless!

 


(Go ahead, you try to tell her no…)

So then, the nasty little cyst on her right thigh is probably just that, a nasty little cyst. Easy. Dr. Doglover will remove it and dispose of it properly (hopefully – yet now that I think about it there is a carniceria a few doors down) and that will be that. They’re gonna test it for cancer and there’s the possibility that things could be more serious. But that’s simply not gonna happen. Life is cruel, but it’s not that cruel. Right? (He asks with uncertainty wavering his voice).

So please send those good vibes my little Lolo’s way (no, that is not a typo – her given name is Lola, but I like to drawl and call the fat slapper, Lowlow). I can’t wait to laugh at her when she has to wear that upside down lamp shade thing.

Day Of The Dead

Posted in General, News, Rants on August 23, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

So then, last night around two or three in the morning I got real nauseous and woke up with the strong urge to vomit. I managed to make it from my bedside to my bathroom without making a mess, but I spent the next half hour puking away.

Why?

Not too sure.

I ate some delicious Chef Boyardee  Beefaroni a few hours before bed – a late dinner because I ate a large, late lunch. I enjoyed the heck out of it. With oodles and oodles of parmesan cheese? Forget about it?! It makes for a quick, excellent meal. Still, it did not sit so well. Is my stomach as much of a snob as I am? Maybe so.


(I don’t care what’s in it! It’s delicious!)

Anyway, I took a whole sick day to sleep it off, but man, I wish I didn’t. Sleeping all day has got me feeling mighty worn out. I wish I would have stuck it out. Tired after an honest day’s work feels great. Sitting around, waiting for my beddy-bye time to circle back around sucks the life right out of me. Here’s to hard work and a busy brain! I can’t wait to get back to it!

See you tomorrow, Loyal Reader. I promise you productivity.

See! This guy loves it too!

Bite Night (On A Monday Evening No Less)

Posted in Movies, Raves on August 22, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

We wasted our weekend entertainment on the abysmal CONAN THE BARBARIAN, a movie that looks like it was put together by early stage test monkeys from RISE, so when the urge to see FRIGHT NIGHT 3D struck (on a Monday evening no less) we figured What the heck? Let’s do this.

FRIGHT NIGHT 3D does what it does and it does it very well. What’s more, it does it nice and it does it fast. It’s nothing you’ll remember six months down the line, but for a swift 100 minutes you’ll find yourself enthralled, cheering on mayhem driven vampire, Jerry Dandridge (Colin Farrel as good as everyone says he is), as he tries to destroy his teen nemesis, Charlie Brewster (twenty-two year old, Anton Yelchin doin’ the teen thing).


(Edward who?)

The film does a wonderful job of appropriating the best of the original and wrapping it up in new bits that play out as good as, or better than, the first film’s key moments. Craig Gillespie (who made the indie feature LARS & THE REAL GIRL) (haven’t seen it), handles this commercial thriller with finesse. The man understands how to move along an action scene. It’s a workman like project, not too flashy, a solid pulse-pounder that gets moving early on and doesn’t let up.

Back in the day, I LOVED the first FRIGHT NIGHT. I saw it when I was a wee eleven years old. It left an indelible impression. I’m not quite certain why – it was good, but not that good. Still, I remember most scenes clear as day even though I haven’t seen it in years and years. The latest issue of Rue Morgue has a nice cover story on the original (with some coverage of the remake). They interview Tom Holland, the original’s writer and director, and most of the cast. Ah, those old photos really bring me back.


(The original rocks. So does the remake.)

Anyway, the new movie is worth your time. They’ve added some interesting wrinkles to the vampire mythos and yes, Colin Farrel nails it. He definitely deserves the praise he’s been receiving in reviews. Chris Sarandon’s Jerry Dandridge was charming and fun (even while being evil). Farrel takes Sarandon’s character and adds in a little more pathos and menace. He gives the film real bite.

I give the whole endeavor two stakes up. Go see it on a Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday. Shake things up. Enjoy yourself, Loyal Reader. You have time to be busy later.

Death Tube

Posted in General, News, Rants on August 21, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Tomorrow, I get to take the day off work, but it’s no cause for celebration because instead of lounging about and enjoying my freedom, I have to go to the hospital and get an MRI done for an upcoming orthopedic appointment. This cancer stuff has messed up my right hip pretty badly (currently, I walk around with crutches) and I am hoping to get things fixed up so I can move it, move it.

Now, there are plenty of imaging methods at the modern doctor’s disposal. I’ve had CT scans, and PET scans, and good, old, localized X-rays. Each of these aforementioned techniques are effective and (mostly) non-evasive and I don’t really mind a single one. Sometimes when I get a CT scan, they have to inject me with iodine and that’s kind of uncomfortable, but the machine itself, with its large circular, tire-like cavity, and open, scanning aperture, is completely non-threatening. You simply lay down as that tire-style crescent hovers, zaps you, then retreats. No harm, no foul. The doctors get a good look at my gooey insides and I am left virtually unshaken.


(No, it’s not Star Wars, it’s a nice, open CT scanner.)

The blasted MRI (which stands for Magnetic Resonance Imaging) is a totally different story. The technology powering the hulking beast is pushing forty years and given the compact, future skills of the CT, I feel it’s high time they retire the ancient behemoth.

The thing is, lots of working doctors prefer MRI images to CTs or PET scans, because they know how to read them. They’ve been doing it for years and the garbled pictures (which look like garbage to the civilian eye) make sense to them. They know what to look for. New tech (or, rather, new tech for an old doctor stuck in their ways) is always confusing, but with a little effort often proves superior.

So it goes with imaging technology. I’ve met tons of doctors since the cancer hit and lots of them are old dogs not interested in new tricks. They’d rather send me to an infernal machine that (literally) takes up a whole building and requires fifteen to twenty minutes to process an image as opposed to the fast, efficient machines running the latest technology.


(This is a little newer than the MRI machines I’m accustomed to, but it’s still damned claustrophobic up in those glowing lights.)

That the MRI machine truly occupies an entire building doesn’t bug me. It’s kind of kitschy in an old, 70s, super-computer way. It’s the coffin like confinement that gets my goat. I’m generally good with all of this uncomfortable hospital crap. IVs, blood work, needles, jabs, draws, etc… I’m cool. I grin and bear it and move on. We do what we must to survive. The MRI on the other hand, freaks me out like no other. Despite the machine’s crazy size, its single entry point barely accommodates a lone, sliding table and the nervous human strapped to it. Talk about claustrophobia. They squeeze you in place and you are immediately surrounded on all sides by gargantuan, hissing, buzzing panels of plastic.

I have to close my eyes and take deep grounding breaths to keep it together. Before you begin they ask you questions about metal (since the machine operates off of a huge magnet, it’s capable of ripping metal augments from your body!) and basic things like, “Are you claustrophobic?” I made a point to answer, “Yes,” hoping they’d drug me or something, but then they don’t do a thing about it! They quickly check a little box, and raise their eyebrows, and usher you on in to the constricting death tube.

Hello?

Why even ask if you aren’t going to do something to help?

I even bugged the tech and asked as much. He shrugged and told me to breathe in and breathe out. Thanks, pal. Appreciate the advice.


(Brain scan!)

Oh well, I suppose it’s best to just not think about. Twenty, thirty minutes, arms tightly by my side, legs straight, feet stiff, mind on the verge of a freak out…

I hate it, but whatever. I can handle it.

See you, tomorrow, Loyal Reader.

Hail Crom, It’s Conan The Bore-barian In 3D!

Posted in Movies, Rants on August 21, 2011 by Michael Louis Calvillo

Ugh. I gotta get another movie in me stat (my wife and I are thinking HOBO WITH A SHOTGUN on Netflix). We just got back from Marcus Nispel’s CONAN THE BARBARIAN and man, I think its 28% Tomatometer score is way too high. This film was freaking painful. I was actually sitting there aching, waiting for Conan to dispatch the idiot bad guys and bring on those consolatory closing credits.


(Will the real barbarian please stand up!)

Where to begin? How about with some artistic integrity! I want movies that try. I root for those. They get a 28% on the Tomatometer and I give them a chance. They usually win me over. There’s usually something worthwhile buried within the uneven filmmaking. Even summer’s lazy RomComs, Steve Carell’s stupid CRAZY, STUPID LOVE, or the Timberlake / Kunis unsexy, sex epic, FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS (FWB if you roll like that), show more ambition. And that’s saying a lot considering that each of those movies don’t even have swords, or sorcery, or mountains of skulls to boost their cool quotient. By Crom, movies with swords, sorcery, and mountains of skulls, should be superior to CSL or FWB, on general principle. These are strange times, Loyal Reader. I mean, how can they screw up something as cool as CONAN?

How is it that a pair of pedestrian, summer comedies have more bite and flavor than the big Cimmerian and his bone crushing sword technique?

I feel faint. My world feels off center. I’m not only disappointed in the film – I’m ticked off. Conan is one of the coolest intellectual properties ever conceived. With minimal effort, this should have been a fun B movie. Instead, horrible writing, inane, ho-hum villains, ugly cinematography, and shoddy direction destroy the project from the inside out.


(Hey ladies! Look, it’s Conan as a beach bum in his off-season! By Crom, what have we done?)

Jason Moma glowers on cue, but the poor guy is given nothing but a single, mono-syllabic sentence here and there. He looks the part, but the Conan I so enjoy reading about, the muscled, mischievous thief with charm, smarts and a sense of humor is nowhere to be found. Even worse, the baddies, an evil father and his almost, more evil daughter (Stephen Lang, who kicked mucho butt as AVATAR’S military psycho bad guy, Rose McGowan, who is never really good in any thing), have absolutely no edge. Their characters were made to chew scenery. I expected some hammy, over-acting. That’s what’s so awesome about sword and sorcery epics – the crazy villains. These wet blankets growl and giggle and affect nefarious malignancy (I suppose), but they never inspire fear or disgust or delicious, villanous glee. They suck the life right out of an already lifeless endeavor.

Lastly, though I could go on and on about how much this movie sucks, I have no idea what director Nispel was thinking. He did a nice job with THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE (2003) remake. In making that movie (an impossible feat considering the original is one of the finest horror films ever made), Nispel built suspense and fostered a nice, consistent, fog of dread. CONAN isn’t a horror movie, but it’s the type of thing that screams for atmosphere. Nispel seemed like the guy to do it justice, but his new film is so poorly made and so…well…toneless, I can’t believe it was made by the same guy.

There are several action scenes where Conan fights some threat or another while his primary target, a captain, or chief thug, or whatever, watches on growling and drooling and cheering. Nispel cuts from Conan swinging his sword at some tentacled monstrosity to the chief bad guy’s reaction shot (more of that growling, drooling, or cheering) and then back. And then he does it again, and again, and again. It’s so ridiculous (and so surprisingly amateurish) that I rolled my eyes, and shook my head, and lost complete faith.


(Great poster. Terrible movie.)

Alas, it’s over. I’m home. My senses are safe. The debacle is behind me. I need to watch the original CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982) or maybe even the so bad, it’s good, CONAN THE DESTROYER (1984), to wash the putrid taste out of my mouth. Better yet, I need to sit down with some Robert E. Howard and read away the pain. Come on movie folk! We need a Hyborian world worthy of our imaginations.